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# Chuck Norris once lost to Lance Armstrong in a sperm count.
# Chuck Norris farts smell like Vaseline.
# Chuck Norris has never ridden a bull as hard as he has ridden a cock.
# Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris learned the roundhouse kick not from Bruce Lee, but by jumping up and twirling around in vain, attempting to unwedge his panties from his ass.
# Chuck Norris punctuates all his roundhouse kicks with a period. The bloody kind.
# Chuck Norris thinks Hooters is an exclusive hangout for people with huge pick-up trucks.
# There are indeed horses hung like Chuck Norris. These horses die alone.
# Chuck Norris' back is so hairy that even Persian women are turned off. But the men love it.
# Chuck Norris' burps smell like semen.
# Chuck Norris once tried to get with Reese Witherspoon. She considered him "Legally Small Penised."
# Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins. Chuck Norris was pissed off because you can't have sex with 25 gold coins.
# The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Too bad his penchant for $800 platinum cock rings prevents him from being able to afford to pay the tariffs.
# In Pacman, Chuck Norris does not lose lives; they simply go on coffee breaks.
# Chuck Norris really DOES know the meaning of "Just Say No," because he just says no all the time... to women.
# Chuck Norris cries himself to sleep every night, then wakes up to the sounds of his own cries.
# Chuck Norris once took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
# One time, while watching gay porn, Chuck Norris swallowed his remote control because he thought it would feel good on the way out.
# Chuck Norris was disowned by his father when it was discovered Chuck Norris could do the splits before learning to walk.
# As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1976 Buccaneers, the worst team in NFL history, finishing their season 0-14 and losing by an average of 20 points per game. They were also shut out five times that season.
# If Chuck Norris has fucked every woman in the world, then he has done his own mom.
# A 7-year-old blind boy once found Waldo before Chuck Norris.
# Jesus wilfully crucified himself because he had insider information that Chuck Norris was going to be around in the future. Jesus did this not in fear of Chuck Norris himself, but in fear of Chuck Norris' acting.
# Chuck Norris started the "Chuck Norris Facts" in hopes of finding a new love. Upon finding out the majority of fans using the facts were guys, Chuck Norris wept with joy.
# Chuck Norris starred in "Firewalker," a film in which he does not walk on fire.
# After a night of passionate love with Tony Danza, Chuck Norris took the morning after pill, fearing an unwanted pregnancy.
# Chuck Norris is the only person with no matches on eHarmony.com.
# Chuck Norris stayed in high school for 7 years until someone finally signed his yearbook.
# Chuck Norris' recites a line from The Notebook as his finishing move in a scrapped version of Mortal Kombat.
# Chuck Norris is the only man who can enter a strip club with $100 and leave with $200.
# Chuck Norris' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
# Chuck Norris always wears knee pads. When asked if they were for stunt purposes, Chuck Norris replied: "Sure".
# On January 12, 1995 Chuck Norris shaved his beard. On January 13, 1995 Chuck Norris filed a missing person claim on himself.
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