Originally posted by Galle77:

Sometime i still find myself missing him

Sometime i find myself hating him.

It has been two years since our break-up. I can't really forget what had happened in our relationships. The betrayal, his nasty words and his stupid attitude that had really hurt me over and over again without him really knowing there. I guess i ask for it. I should have just give myself a clear and cut break once and for all.

Sometime i still miss him. I miss myself loving him and his presence. I still have there feeling for him but i know we can never be together.

I still feel abit hard over the relationship. How can i let go of him completely with a smile and a laugh ?

 

Perhaps you should seek permission to forgive yourself first? Your inability to carry on life normally signifies an unclosed chapter in your life, in which the door got stuck and refuse to shut. 

Before you declare that you require a 'clean-clear-cut-break' to truly move on: my question is why allow him (someone whom you probably deemed as a jerk) to have the control of exit in this chapter of your life? Why allow someone to manipulate your misery, especially since he would likely to be out enjoying himself while you are foolishly stuck at this junction, thinking about trying to resolve some self-generated dead-knot?

The decision to move on must come from your individual conviction and resolution. Nevermind if he didn't provide the answer you seek - the problem is about you making decision for yourself to seek the happiness you desire. And this desire is about the freedom to release yourself from the bondage of your previous relationship. 

Learn acceptance.

From there, you will gradually understand that acceptance comes from tranquil via the heart and the only voice you need to listen is nobody but yourself.  

Cheers

Originally posted by Sv_190:

 

I have a stable girl friend for nearly two years , recently a girl who is younger than me appeared in my world ( her attiude and way she speak ) really assamble to my ex.

 

I started to feel like chatting with her so i tried to get to know her more , my friend gave me her contacts , she seem friendly and I feel comfortable chatting with her at times.

 

I tried to forget her but she kept appearing in my mind. 

 

Should I just treat the girl who look like my ex like a friend and forget her quickly?

The stark resemblance does not signify anything - it is your attitude and perception towards such visual imaginary that seemed to suggest your karmic bond with this person. Such phenomenon is likely generated because of our irrevocable actions in the past that are generally beyond our scope of control. And because we can't turn back time to alter our regretful past, our present and future remained in status quo based on our earlier decision via freewill. 

Albeit the law of causality might be rigid, but our minds and heart isn't. Hence, phenomenon of resemblance resulted in an implicit behavior/mindset that served under the theory of 'Time Machine' (CloUdiSm). Because in the realm where 'Love is blind', similarity will naturally (and usually automatically) perceived from the source where it first began and the seeming linkage is establish, although it pretty much illusional.   

I will illustrate a simple example:

There are times when we felt that we made mistakes and regret in life, with regards to our previous relationship. Equally often, it might not be mistakes - perhaps we felt that we could 'do more' (whatever 'more' meant to you philosophically). And because the manifestation has already occur and we are unable to undo our circumstances, we shoulder certain unconscious anguish or bitterness that carries in our soul.

Such suppression are dormant and only brought into surface when the concept of time triggers a astrological/karmic pattern to bring forth such situation once again. 

Then you might question - why such a phenomenon?

There are two likely reasons:

I) It served to test the foundation of your relationship. Those who are stuck in the misery of their past will often create the path of destruction for their relationship of the future.

II) The absence of graduation in prior cosmic lessons resulted in reiteration of the same chapter once again. What we cannot master, we learn again. 

I suggest instead of first leading yourself into the direction of asking 'Should i just forget her quickly' - I reckon you should reframe your question and direct the question inwardly.

'What does this mean to me and my development in Love?'

You might want to understand if there's an action/s you wish to compensate for your previous failed relationship and unconsciously directing this effort towards this 'proxy'? 

Also the identity of your relationship is being questioned as well.

'What does it means for your relationship and your gf?' Namely, is your current gf lesser in any aspect than a figure of the past?

Only with careful examination of yourself, would you be able to have the clarity to decide your course of action with wisdom.

Cheers

 Wth?

/me weave magic into this thread.

Originally posted by babypinkstar:

Hello everyone. (:

Intro of the people involved:

1. My ex (Jonathan)

We were from the same sec sch. We dated when I was sec 3, and he was one year older.
However, due to some childish reasons, we broke up. We did stay in contact, mainly using msn.

Last year during Aug, (i'm already in jc, he went privatesch). Then he attended one of my college event. So we met up after the event. And we were back into a r/s.

4 months later (Dec), he turned cold and so we broke up.

2. My JC BFF (Jenny)

She was my best friend during these two years, till now.
And she knows Jonathan too, 'cause he often drop by my school to send me home.

3. And me, obviously

(Names are faked)

 

THE STORY:

Long story cut short.

I just found out few weeks ago that since this Jan08. Jenny was with Jonathan.
They'd been together for 8months already, and still is together.

Let's see, Jon and me broke up during Dec. And they got together in January. What are the chances that he turned cold was NOT because of Jenny's existence?

I'd asked her why she steals my guy, but she denies doing so. Both Jenny and Jonathan insist that they are just two singles getting together.

She lied to me for so long. Yet, pretending to be my best friend for these 8 months.

 

I'm terribly upset by her actions.
I don't understand how some people can be so selfish.

 

I'd said I forgive her, though I refused to talk to her.
I'd even grant both of them happiness, but sometimes I regret what I'd said.
Sometimes, I still hate her.

 

Did I do the right thing? Should I not have forgiven her?

 Perhaps we should always look back upon the reason why Love blossomed in the first place.

Surely when the relationship was formed, your Love was pristine.

But as the relationship gradually perish abruptly, your bitterness overshadowed this very Love that came and left. You might speculate and derive a logical deduction that your best friend is responsible for snatching your boyfriend away - but that merely debase your Love into that of a quantifiable possession that mindlessly oscillate where the wind blows stronger.

Something that was lost? Or is it because your enervated relationship was already feeble in the first place and the foundation could not sustain against the test of reality?

Real love stands adamantly like a rock, for those that sway are but pebbles. When our relationship fails, instead of allocating blame in our external environment, perhaps we must always introspect and look at ourselves first.

We are not perfect either.

And we are but imperfect being trying to perfect our relationship.

Why feel acrimonious when you have merely given up a man that doesn't fit the your puzzle?

Perhaps, to others, it might be just right.

But surely, it's not your lost since it's unfitting.

Cheers

 It probably culturally constructed for parents to love their children, as well as for children to be filial. But in reality, it can creates a cognitive dissonance, especially if reality seemed to suggest otherwise.

Abuse comes in many form and the act of abuse often sow the seed to reproduce a latent effect in the future. In Rainee's case, the absence of kinship created a situation where she don't feel very much for her parents as these are but the manifestation of the cause sow by her parents during her growing years.

But since we are bounded by culture - there is still an unseen obligation Rainee to care for her parents. Surely, if this element was missing, I wouldn't be no surprise if she opt to cut ties. But of course in reality, there is only so much of freewill one can choose to have - because many choices are fettered by societal context and culture. Especially in Asia.

There are definitely no easy solutions, but I would like to point out something: your parents didn't seemed to change their attitude or stance towards you since young. They seemed to practice some sort of guilt-induction, so as to bend you according to their expectation. Most parents does that sort of thing in varying intensity, but those that exploit the relationship will often create domestic tragedy, like those you find in newspaper articles.

For this: I say listen to yourself. If you are not ready, then you are not ready. Acting upon a decision recklessly, while knowing that it's not wise, is foolish.  

Cheers    

Originally posted by doc4u:

Any difference?

I'd like to know what the girls in this forum thinks.  I know i've posted this in another section but i want to know more opinions about this.

You see, my girlfriend keeps insisting that her going out with her guy friends (1:1) is just nothing.  And its not a date.  Guy friends that she meets online and meets personally for the first time on that "date".  We've had several arguments about this because to me going out with a guy is the same as having a date with him.  Like i wouldn't spend time and effort if i don't like this person.  

Now, its quite different if you've been friends with this guy friend of yours for a long time.  That i can take and understand that its just a friendly date.  But to go out with a total stranger just to meet him and be friends to him is something im not comfortable with.

It doesn't matter how one defines it because her inner condition will reflect the decision she make and justify it through emotional deduction.

'I did not cheat on you, so why are you accusing me of cheating?'

You are stuck in a quagmire because she did not do anything blatant to constitute a love crime, yet you are hoping to prevent such an occurrence from happening. Is almost like trying to prevent a developing crisis from the taking place without the onus to prove that a crisis is indeed growing from the development.

Online friends.

Sheesh.

As much as she is putting on the facade to be a 'causal' friend to them (since she already admitted that she is keeping her options open), chances are, the guys that dated her privately are also putting on that facade under the cover of a 'causal friend' to seek possible opportunity, especially if they are single (because why not?).

You wondered why would she date other guys, when she is already in a relationship. It is usually a combination of these two reasons:

I) Many times, people regularly question about their current choice of partner. Is he/she really the one? Hence, subconsciously, they seek to test this hypothesis by dating other people to understand about the 'product positioning' of their mate and judge if their choice is really suitable for them.

II) To revel in new romantic experience once again. Often, people seek to reinvent the romantic aspect of Love, for this sort of uncommitment is seductively attractive. There are always exchange/s of some sort and contrary to popular belief, it need not be sexual in nature. Some woman loves to recreate the experience of man showering their attention and affection at them (usually comes in a form of treats and gifts), yet deep inside their conscious state of mind, they never wanted to be with them.

Before you start to fret about your current situation, you got to be fully aware that a relationship is bounded by freewill. Thus, the unwilling will not remain in a relationship, despite your entire life effort to prevent the unwilling from leaving - it will remain futile.  Similarly, if she wants to stay, nothing can make her go.

My take is simple - for those who believe in dating other people too, then allow that practice for both parties. Now your security is threatened because it seemed that your 'monogamy mindset' has created an inequality, in terms of the choice of mates, as compared to your gf - then seek to even up the playing field and evolve yourself to be more marketable in the 'social market'.

P.S: I am never bothered by competitions. And if my other half decide to jump ship, I would say go ahead and respect the decision without hesitation.

Seriously, why even bother to keep something that doesn't belong to you, if time gradually revealed this conclusion?

In the first place, Love was never a possession to begin with.

Cheers

Originally posted by jane doe:

 

 

Hi.Hoping to find unmarried mothers who gave up their babies for adoption/adopters who can share their experienced.Currently im heavily pregnant n will be due in nov next mth.Ive talk to counsellers n made a very difficult decision to give my baby up for adoption.I juz need to feel dat im nt alone n there's sumone out there who experienced/experiencin wat im goin thru.

Before you make the decision, perhaps you should take a step back and study the macro view of your situation, instead of dwelling on the micro version of your plight. 

Promise me one thing before you start reading my post: do not imprison your thoughts and dismiss other possibilities because I am telling you that your decision right now will affect your entire lifespan. As much as you have thought of an alternative, there are also alternatives to your alternatives or even revisiting previous rejected alternatives. 

***

It is very common (and understandable) for people to feel overwhelmed by series of life challenges hurled directly at you. But before we lose hope and ultimately the vision to problem-solve - the more issues we have on hand, the more we need to segregate our problems one at a time and disallow them to congregate.

Allow me to enter your spirit and read your thoughts. You might probably see your problem as:

(1) Study, (2) dad's health, (3) baby, (4) finance, (5) bad timing, (6) marriage, (7) clash of values and (8) combination of everything else.

Firstly, you do yourself a favor by removing (8) from your thoughts - the dissolution of wholesome thinking is the beginning of wisdom. Next, since you have dropped your studies, so (1) should be eliminated (you should consider it again in later stage, but it's the least of all priorities now and should be eliminated from your focus of thoughts). Your dad's health (2) is linked to finance (4), but there's nothing you could do for his health, other than prayers; therefore they merge. Bad timing (5) and clash of values (7) are interconnected, but by itself it has little meaning and I will show you:

- Bad timing: you can't turn back time now. Forget about the argument of bad timing and learn the concept of present and the future. Therefore it merge with Baby (3) and marriage (6).

- Clash of Values: you seemed to have clear up the notion for adoption, but I am not sure if there's this stigmatization for having to give birth out of wedlock? I will rename this as Future Complication.

***

The reframed mind should see this solely as your current problems:

I) Finance

II) Baby (w/ marriage)

III) Future Complication

Then you have to assess which of these problems are temporal in nature. I would name Finance (I) as a temporal problem because the financial problem is tied to your dad's illness. Should he recover or when both you and your future's husband income improve, things will surely get better. This situation is likely more transitory than permanent

For (II) The decision to give up for adoption or to raise it yourself is temporal in nature too, because once you made the decision, you got to live by it and hence it will dissolve into Future Complication (III). If you decide to keep it, you can simply ROM (pay like $28 or something) and remove possible social stigmatization. (As well as pocket $4k from baby bonus).

***

The new focus should look like this now:

1) Finance - transitory

2) Future Complication - permanent

Now, I would like to reveal some ideas behind Future Complication. In simple: knowing that financial difficulties are often transitory in nature, no matter how draggy (years) it takes to resolve, one can gradually climb out of it with motivation. Our social classes and financial ability are pretty much fluid in this meritocracy system (or at least that's how it appears to be). However, once you give your child up for adoption, note that this move is pretty much irrevocable and should one day when you are better off financially, you do not have the option to 'reclaim' back your child.

***

Your answer to this question will probably suggest your decision:

Do you want to sacrifice short term to appease long term or do you prefer to appease short term and sacrifice long term?

Cheers 

I won't delete your topic, but I must lock it.

Please repost it at http://jobs.sgforums.com/

Thanks.

Cheers,

Please direct this topic to Eternal Hope. Wrong channel.

http://www.sgforums.com/forums/1381

Cheers

Originally posted by jusagerl:

i broke up with my ex over simple squables. i just didnt wanna give in. actually its just a petty fight.. and i kinda regretted it...

i wanted him back and i told him to think it over.. when he finnaly msg me to like go for dinner, he said he misses me a lil but doesnt know what he wants yet. then when we were about to go for dinner, he said last minute he cant make it cosh his fren having relationship problem. he was explaining to me because his fren want to propose to the girlfriend already and if we can just meet some other day but im stupid enough to reply him, i give up.

haiz.. then i told him, i didnt mean to say that.. i missed him so bad that i called him up last week. i told him, i wont disturb him this time round to let him think thoroughly. i didnt msgd him or call him up till today. its been a wk... haiz..

i msgd him wether i can meet him but he never replied me. so i called him up. i asked wether he can meet me today and he asked for what. i told him because i miss him. he didnt reply. so i asked again wether i can meet him today and he said no. i asked him back, wether does he want to give our relationship another chance?.. and he said he need more time.

does he really need time? i saw his msn greeting saying yesterday.. "lonely saturday night"

we broke up before because it was a long distance relationship last year but when i got back this year, he asked me back.

so i dont know wether this time round is it really over..?

 

 

 

Why insist on getting back together when he isn't ready?

You seemed to run your relationship based on the fluctuation of your emotions - it's no wonder why your relationship would often vacillate into both extremes and end up snapping violently.

Before you decide to patch, you got to consider some things very carefully: if the management of your relationship is still going to persist in such a fashion, then you will probably break up somewhere later in the future... again. Coming back together is no magic - it's just a decision to return back to old shit. Returning 'home' on a later date doesn't mean that the old shit are cleanse - it's still there waiting for you to do something about it.

Unless you make sure that your relationship evolved through your own human revolution - there isn't a point to return - just because your emotions feel like it has to be it, doesn't mean it has to be it. 

Cheers

 

Originally posted by struck:

Thank you for reading this topic, please read with an open mind. Advice will be taken and read with gratefulness. Those who could not understand and cant accept the story, kindly respect the situation as no one knows and expects what is going to happen in life. We only live once.

I am in love with a married woman. She told me that she love me and is in a dilema. She do not know what to do.

I initate a clear break up thru sms but when we met up the following days, we still ended up together as there are still feelings for each other.

Can someone give me advice? What should I do? I am in love with her and she know it. How can I: -

i) Make it even clearer to her that I wan her and be with her? (this is to show her that I am true to her and is sincere)

ii) know that she wan to be with me too (since she say she is in a dilema, i guess it should be me, the guy, to ensure her, however, I wan to make sure she is not just wanting to be with me to escape from her current relationship)

 

For every love triangle actualized through the decision of the central figure, which is then linked to two or more partners through his connection, it is but a tacit acceptance to bore the karmic debts fashioned by his/her cosmic lesson in Love.

I do not disagree with the fact people could still be subjected to falling in love outside their primary intimate partners despite being married. And seriously, there are a myriad of reasons why this happens. Most people dismissed it under the general façade of Love to justify their opendus modus, but across several hundred dimensions of Love, the ones that brought about the most misery are the ones that often seen, felt or tasted like the real thing in one’s context and reality in life, created entirely by their own perception or disillusionment.

Anyone could have claims to love all three at a go, however, when you probe deep enough to reach the core, this façade of Love always acts like a canopy of vegetation that shields real underlying reasons from surfacing. Some even lionize or glamorize this canopy and incorporate certain falsation into their belief system, as they taught themselves to see it as part of their reality, and in turn, manifest this preconceived reality into their reality.

It’s interesting to note how people formulate aspects of the media and certain histrionic qualities found in protagonist/s of fictional tales, in explaining various decisions they make in life, which the individual have come to believe and find self-perceived striking resemblance in both the character and themselves.  

It’s not the act of falling in love that matters to me – it’s the bondage to uncommitment and unavailability of another that is critical. If this was a common scenario in your life, then very likely, the cusps of problem would revolve around the condition of your life, your developmental years and your spiritual account in Love.  

I am not a moral police – falling in Love with someone unavailable, to me, is not wrong: it’s just karmic.

Hence, if you have already decided upon your route, then you must be open to your outcome, even if it’s negative. 

Cheers

People... please refrain from flaming.

As much as I hate to intervene anything using power - please self regulate and avoid personal attacks.

If the trend of future posts in this topic are to continue in this fashion, this topic will be locked.

P.S: TS, apologies but feel free to start another topic if that happens.

Cheers

Spam!

Originally posted by cherrycola:

Love is always true, until proven false.....

How then do we know it when t is proven false? Hmmmm.....

Time will tell pretty fast: you don't need a guru to tell you that when a relationship fails outrageously, you break up.

The main problem is that you can't judge every relationship by putting them on one equal grand scale, measuring them as if they are made from the same shit because there is still the component of time.

I knew my first love when I was fourteen - the most amazing person I ever knew. Many people came later - but did that mean that my first love was still as amazing? Or has that feeling taken a backseat?

What's critical is that at that moment in time... in that distant past... that developmental stage... that particular cosmic lesson... everything was real as it could possibly be. However, as time passed by, certain variables are altered, thus things changed. But does that mean that my first love is any 'lesser' than the ones that I have adopted later on in life? Or are later relationships any 'truer' than the one I began with?

Hell no.

Cheers

Originally posted by cherrycola:

People say that the road to true love is filled with obstacles and challenges and it is never a bed of roses. Do you agree? Can anyone share their thorny path towards finding the one and the destination of happily ever after?

People, these days, are overly obsessed with the notion of True Love that they, very often, built false imagery about what's Love onto this ideal. The concept of True Love is so distorted that people justify its existence and rationalize foolish behaviour as acceptable just because they reckon that it's true love. 

Wtf is true? Can one True Love be any 'Trurer' than another? Or can it only be ONE True Love?

People should phucking wake up one day to the fact that their Love is true until the day they are proven false. That should only be the reality that must consider and believe in. Why should any good relationship be labelled as 'untrue' just because you reckon that something is amiss? And yet you know not of this 'something'? I can have someone who is married to a good wife, yet feeling dissatisfied just because he is missing the 'soul mate' feeling.

Totally wtf.

Most of the time, the concept of True Love is but a facade for the operation of karmic relationship. 'Blindness' and 'selective perception' are common 'symptom'.

The entity of a relationship leading to fulfillment is achieved through the blessing of both nature and nurture aspects of Love. True Love is not granted by the stars, neither can hardwork alone succeed in constructing the most beautiful relationship - both are equally important.

Thus Love is always true, until proven false.

Cheers

Originally posted by dont know much:

1  

Friends invited me for their wedding dinner. 

Being a generous bachelor, I gave $100 on every dinner which is considered way-too-much for a single person attending.  I didn't think like the majority, but rather view going to dinners, as a get-together with old mates.

But today, I changed my mind.  I could've chosen not to go to such dinner. 

1.  Inferior,  being a bachelor.
2.  Is it really a earn-back-all-the-hongbaos for the married couple?  Because, most times, Singaporeans always chat about "earning back the hongbaos".  Like, conversations revolve around $ $  $$$$  (that is,  being kaisu, etc.)

 

2

Is marriage really that important ?

Is having a partner really that necessary?  Say, if a person is independent, he could have all the freedom to do whatever things he loves to.  When it comes to old age, he could employ a care-giver.

Love-wise?  Hmm.  What is love, exactly? 
When I could've slept with my friend.  Not that she's someone whom I love, but rather a at-the-moment lust / fun / whatsoever u term it...


Ideally, you're someone who'd experienced all the wonderful post-marriage life? 
Or rather, u're a mum/dad of kids?
Or you could be doing anything,anywhere... for u're a super independent person enjoying life to its fullest.

 

If u could enlighten me? 
2 points:
it's okay not to go for dinners anymore  ?  (i may inflict damage with their relationship?  however i tried to text a buddy who just got married(then)... he didn't reply, so I assume he's busy Organising A Family.)  So I shan't give a damn, right?
If marriage is really important? 

(crap-wise, i suggest u start up a new topic)

 

Marriage per se means nothing if it doesn't lead to overall emotional and spiritual fulfillment that many seek to attain. Some people got hold of it without much problem, while others desperately fight to source it. Nevertheless, one cannot divorce Love from their life without feeling some form of inadequacy. 

Eric Erikson developmental stages mentioned about Intimacy verse Isolation stage; for if one is unable to achieve intimacy, isolation is likely to occur for an individual.

I met a few people who argued that they did not need Love in their life at all. Absolutely.

Then again, though the quality of their life might not suffer as they will not encounter the typical woes that besiege a relationship, but critically, the richness of life as a whole will greatly be amiss and will inevitably cause some form of stagnation. Though one wouldn't die without Love, but one cannot seek to leverage much from a life devoid of Love. Of course, one can seek to substitute this lack through active involvement in various causes, but that's only if the individual is motivated to act in this manner. Sometimes, people lacking in love are just about leading inane lives with little meanings as well, which worsen the void further.

In Astrology, there is a pattern of Saturn affliction, involving people having difficult relationship with others. This difficulty stems from loneliness, superiority complex, overly rigidity or emotional crystalization - usually influence by karmic ties with the notion of Love.

I must emphasize this point: everyone has different internal root reasons for the external cause of isolation. People might be similar, but no two developmental process and the attitude towards those processes are the same.

My question to you is simple. 'Why ain't marriage important?' Or Love, for example, if marriage seemed a little too far fetched.

You probably might want to understand why would you place yourself in such pessimism and negative attitude towards it. You might want to analysis the route tracing to your innate belief and then seek to undo some of the negative values that might have been unconsciously promoted during your growing up years.

Then you might just answer your own question unwittingly.

Cheers

Originally posted by PurplePapaya:

I have been going with my man for nearly two years. When I first saw him, it was love at first sight. While he didn't fall in love with me at first sight, he eventually came to love me very, very much. Probably even more than what I do. We were happy together till recently. We have been planning to get married. But now neither of us dare to mention the words "getting married". I have been losing my temper at him easily. I get mad at him over silly things like he going to sleep before me.

My anger is quick to rise, but it dissipates just as quickly. After the anger is gone, all I am left is a cold, sinking sense of regret that incapacitates me. I will regret so intensely, I get sharp stomache pains as I keep asking myself why did I get upset over something so useless and minor?

Recently, there was a death in my family. Whilst my relative was in hospital, my man did not come to visit her. He only came when I avoided his calls and SMSes for two days. I was angry with him for choosing to attend some girl's graduation over coming over to visit my dying relative. When he called me that evening, he tried to tell me about his day. I cut him off saying that I wasn't interested. In my mind all I could see what how he was having a frolicking good time with some unnamed girl while I was alone facing dark times.

He reiterated that he DID NOT enjoy himself and was called into the event against his will. I am less angry over that now as I was a few weeks back. My anger spurred from my belief that he had fun. Note, it was MY belief that he had fun. The truth did not, and hardly mean anything to me. All I believe is what I think is true.

I wonder why I do not believe him. Not that he has been untrustworthy or ever had something to hide. I seem desperate to find something, some crack in his armour. But I DO draw the line at reading his emails and all other private data.

Deep in my heart, and when I am fervently regretting after losing my temper, I do know that he is a fine man. A man with a gentle, kind heart and patience. A man who never dreamt about leaving me even when I am at my worst. A man who all my friends and family love so much. I crave his company and his presence all time. I choke up as I write these words. I do not hate my man, but why do I treat him with such malice?

Perhaps it will be worthy to share this other incident. A year ago, my man and I met with a mishap at sea. We were having fun dashing under the waves and jumping in the water when the tide rose suddenly and a riptide pulled us further out into deeper waters. I clung onto my man's hand tightly, telling him to stick together. But the waves crashed on us relentlessly. He was knocked towards shore by a swollen wave, while I sunk under. When I miraculously floated to the surface, I saw him getting rescued by a surfer some hundred metres ahead of me. I screamed till I went hoarse for him to not leave me behind, to save me. But he was too far to help me or save me.

With that realisation, I employed all my art to keeping alive. Soon enough, I managed to get the attention of some surfers and got rescued. I came back to shore wailing rather hoarsely how my man left me to die. I know he did not leave me to die, he had no choice. But I used that notion to fuel me and keep me alive while facing the rough sea, literally. A year after, I harbour no hate or disgruntlement towards him. But I wonder if it has any impact on the appearance of my irrational behaviour? Or maybe it is nothing so far drawn, perhaps it is just plain bad attitude on my part. But I must emphasise that I was never like that before.

I am in between jobs. I have been immensely stressed by my current job and planning to move to another. I am trying to secure another job, but it is hard as the market is soft.

I am feeling the urgency to get to the root of this vile emotional affliction. even the most patient man will break. My man is getting worn out. Perhaps like other people out there, I am living in fear too. I fear losing him. I fear that I will drown in the regret because I KNOW if he leaves me, it is because of me, my stinking attitude and pride.

As I mentioned before, even when I am at my worst, my man never brought up the notion of going separate ways. He believes in being content with what he has and that the next relationship he gets into may not be as good as what he has now. Is he living in fear? Or is he stoic?

Please tell me what to do. How can I save my relationship?

I just came back home and is fringing tired. But I felt that I just had to reply to this:

There are different shades of attitude in Love and although your attitude might seemed to fall under the irony principle of love (CloUdism states irony as the closer you are to a person, the lesser he/she will receive in positive treatment) or even superficial issues like expectation and demands; imho, it's more likely that it belongs to an episode of an unresolved knot (from the day you were nearly drowned) that is subconsciously triggering this periodic burst-fire.

As much as you would believe that you harbor no hatred or resentment towards him - the truth is that this knot is crystallized after the day you felt abandoned by him. You must understand that the realm of the mind and the heart rationalize situation differently. In the complex world of emotions, the feelings are often concluded through clouded judgement of irrationality that does not calculate returns at any given point of situation. Remarkably, this is the direct opposite of how the mind would function.

Like a cake, albeit the icing of hatred and resentment are neutralized through logical analysis of the actual circumstances, but your emotions have not been mollify through deep communication and left to decompose the core within. You probably have not had a real dialogue about this or even cried your heart out in a open-ended fashion to dissolve this knot, like how heat is applied to ice - thus it's probably still there and likely to manifest as latent effect. I will show you how:

You mentioned that you were never like that before and wondered why - this is a clear suggestion that much of this grievances were pushed into the unconscious mind forcefully (from the time you were wailing at the beach), only to flashback occasionally towards scenario that seemed to mimic situations of abandonment or suggestive disloyalty (the truth of intention doesn't matter). Every time that connection is made, your unconscious mind overwhelmed your emotions and automatically amplifies your woe astronomically to justify the execution of rage and anger.

Only when you regain control consciously, would peace arrive.

And so does the guilt.

When ill feelings solidify over time, it degenerate your relationship and becomes difficult to eradicate specifically.
***

I will breakdown what I meant above through one simple example you have wrote:

Scenario: Angry over him sleeping before you
Symbolic action: Emotional mind read as self before Love.
Flashblack: Abandonment at sea, too, read as self before Love.
Connection is established
Cosmic lesson is triggered: Examination revealed lessons not mastered and result in reiteration.
Behaviour: Rage.
Conscious mind resumed control:
Behaviour: rationalized calm returns.

***

If you study the above flow, the ability to manipulate lies with the cosmic lesson phase. Because how you manage this learning, adjust the way you set your perception and attitude towards any random situation and allow you the opportunity to avoid triggering them.

But in order to do that, you probably need to first trash out all the unspoken thoughts and feelings you have when you were assailed with thoughts of abandonment by him at the mishap. For the trashing session to be effectively, you would need to release everything completely - so drop all motes of rationality, regardless of how unreasonable you think you would be; just open floodgate and release.

Then after laying down everything, clarify what you need to and mend your relationship by forging new cause and direction.

Sometimes in Love, appeasing the mind is not enough - your heart might need some comfort and assuring.

P.S: Latent effect can be destructive. You might just end up losing your man if you continue in this manner; might as well learn to create a new path by transgressing status quo and advance forward.

Cheers

 /me wriggle fingers and motes of magical energies flowed and surrounded the thread.

Originally posted by Ju lyn83:

It's been nearly a year since we broke off. But i am still struck here on the same point where he left me.

He gave me all sorts of reason saying that he wants a breakup pushing all the blame to me. 2days later when i went to look for him again to try and save our relationship, i saw a lovebite on his neck. That kind of pain in my heart was undescrible. He already has a new gf.

The reason we quarrel and ended breaking up was because i found out that he have been chatting with this gal. I didnt expect things to turn out like that. Moments before we quarrel he was still lovingly holding my hand.

Being with him for 4 and a half year. We have even thought of starting our own family. We have even went to apply for a flat together. Little did i expect him to have a change of heart. Just moments after he break off with me. Maybe 4 years plus wasn't long but we have gone through so much ups and downs together, how would a guy say forget, let go and leave just like that?

He's happily with the gal now but here i am couldnt move on. I thought i had already let go. Trying not to think but he kept calling me and ask me out. He doesnt have any intention in patching back. He just need someone's accompany when his gf is working. His calling and all, triggered the love i had for him that i had all along tried to hide and not to think, i kept telling everyone that i am oki and i have already forgotten him. In fact, i am just lying to myself.

I cried everytime i think of him, everytime i thought of all our memories, all the promise that he has once made, everytime when i passby the places we have went to before. There is so much so much memories everywhere.

I wanted to move on and forget about him but i just couldnt stop thinking. I donno if i am still waiting for him to come back. I am so confused myself. What a useless gal.

You attempt to use credits of the past to justify harboring excessive emotions into the now-defunct relationship. In Love's concept of time (CloUdiSm - Law of Time), I quote: 'What's dead cannot be revived and what's revived will not be original. What's original will be in the past and what's passed will remain dead.'

Death is often misunderstood - often liken to a form of some massive evil that lurks in dark, abominable to all existence. In fact, it's like an entrance; when one pushes the door, the other side appeared to be pulling - creating one-effect-two-perception situation. This simple relation between life and death in relationship is but our quintessential cosmic growth that expands our higher learning in Love. Neither existence nor non-existence of a relationship contributes to the success/failure of relationship; it's merely a continous process.

In fact, throughout the lifespan of a relationship - it could gone through several process of 'death and rebirth', as Love evolved through the vicissitude of a relationship, shaped by the couple themselves.

Nobody says it's easy to move on; but the difference lies in our concept of acceptance, as well as our grieving process. Those that deny their circumstances often find it a struggle to cope with the demands of reality against incongruous delusion that they are trying to upkeep. Many times, the delusion is inherent and self generated, as our false belief strengthen to corroborate with the lies we have gorged ourselves till the point of insanity.

You perpetually questioned yourself with all the mundane 'why', which incarcerate you with heaps of nonsense and fettered you from moving on. Allow me to shatter some zealous beliefs you have held so dearly - why must a four-and-a-half years of relationship be of something to him as well?

You must understand that this value, in which you have emotionalize, is exclusive to your own personal belief and does not necessarily means the same on his side. His action suggested a strategy of hook-bait-reel-release technique in retention initiative and if you are foolish enough to buy the tale of the 'I-like-the-other-woman-but-I-love-you' crap - then don't weep if you ultimately realize the poignant truth that could ruin all good memories, which is probably all you have left right now. 

You cannot judge the future based on the rules of the past. You will always be miserable if you cling onto expired game rules that disallow you to unlock your gate to freedom. 

To move on, you don't have to run. You just need to draw your first step.

Start walking: a step in a day will mean ten steps in ten days and a hundred steps in a hundred days.

Remember, we are responsible for our own happiness and misery. If you choose to dwell, nobody can coerce you to climb out, other than yourself.

Cheers     

Originally posted by bearie000:

hi all,

I just know a guy. But i scared that he is just leading me on. He is incredibly nice to me, dates me out, maintains eye contact when is chatting with me and confide and divulge many secrets to me. He teases me at times also.

But he has never made the move on me yet.However, he sent me sms like everyday and will ask me stuff like how am i doing etc. I do not know if he takes me as a friend or has some romantic interest in me.

The most perculiar thing is that he asked me for my opinions when he is shopping for apparel and stuff. He put on the shirt and asked me how does he looks in it etc... I wonder why does he do that? He also tell me about his work problems.. However, he rarely asks about my private life. He will just reveal everything about himself to me without me having to ask him about it.

I admit  I am developing feelings for him as he is a very nice,sweet and gentlemanly guy.What should i do now? Does he really have some kind of romantic interest in me or just take me as a friend? In the past, i had experiences when a guy would date me out as a friend, sent me the wrong signals and then break the news that he only sees me as a friend when i confessed to me. It would be very disappointing and double blow to me if he likes some gals and only dates me out as a friend. I have been in the friend zone in the past.

Please help. I dont wanna be hurt again

One cannot attempt to Love without risking being hurt again. Like two side of a coin, it is just part of the deal as you accept Love into your life. When you open the floodgate, you take in all things, both good and bad.

If you are weary about his intention, avoid taking haste and making irrational decision.

You might have like him, but it doesn't mean that he is suitable for you.

Hence, your next course of action would be to figure out if he is the right fit - at least a comfortable fit.

Halt that emotions for just a moment first - enjoy the companionship naturally, without placing yourself into some self-constructed commitment. Since you both are still within the 'friendship' zone, then behave and think likewise (albeit you probably will not be able to feel along this direction, but that's ok).

Cheers

Originally posted by Extinguished:

Been in this relationship for 6+ years. Both of us cant bear to let go, but he is not confident to carry on as well. For the past 2 months, we have been running in circles - trying to let go and trying to carry on.

 

At the beginning, we were happy and things were rosy. However, unhappiness built up from a few serious quarrels and many small issues. Things become boring, but I am contented, thinking that we will end up together no matter wat, trusting in him, in me, in us.

 

Things started to go wiry 2 months back due to his work stress and some other fundamental issues between us. And yes, it has dragged for 2 months and mushroomed into a bigger problem. He started to wonder if we will be happy together as we are of different wavelength (meaning we don't share the same jokes). Worst of all, he has a female colleague whom he can really click with and I made him realise that she has feelings for him. He cant helped comparing me with her and his feelings for her has developed as well. Due to circumstances, he knows that it is impossible for them, but he can't help thinking to try out with her. It makes it harder as he sees her everyday.

 

I have asked him to give us a chance till end of this year. Can this extinguished flame be rekindled? Is his feeling for me dormant somewhere and I will be able to find it back?

 

Or should I just let go this relationship of 6 years? He told me that he still feel regretful when we last decided to let go (which was last thur).

A three-nation research on divorce and separation was done last year and it was noted that an accumulation of daily trivial affairs are cited as the main cause of the failure in marriage and relationship.

Hence, those who had victory in marriage would have mastered interpersonal skills that allowed them to manage and compromise annoying daily issues that builds up over time, which maliciously seeks to oxidize and decay the core foundation of the very Love one have constructed.

People might envy such lengthy relationship, but the measure of relationship must always be qualitative and how relative it is to our personal growth, and not mere quantitative figures of how long the couple has been together or absolute assumption that a relationship gets better with age or ultimately leads to marriage and happily ever after.

Like the once-glorious Tang dynasty, which too crumble eventually; is there a reason so attractive that this ailing six years relationship is still relevant, in both of your reality, by being together? 

Your six-year affair would amount to nothing, if the relationship is basically inane, mechanical and obligatory. A kiss is but mere touching of lips if the emotional component is missing. For one’s happiness in Love does not depend entirely on who you are with, but rather, the true rationale of breathing the relationship must be certain and burned into staunch conviction into our love beliefs.

The longer the relationship… the longer the race… the easier it is to be eliminated by stress and deranged circumstances.

Testing your relationship artificially is an immature way in problem-solving. Your relationship is already ‘constantly being tested’ via Love cosmic lessons – your artificial interference only suggest additional plunging of blades into the back of your relationship and damaging it further. It does not, unfortunately, improve your situations, other than bringing it closer to death. 

Examine your relationship in-depth first and decide if there’s still a reason for the relationship to continue. Same goes for your man. Take one problem at a time. Tackle the immediate issues first - the decision with regards to the other woman, if he should quit his j