So, you've decided to ruin your life? Most the time, people donÂ’t get the chance to actually decide to ruin their lives; it just starts to happen and then snowballs. If you are making a conscious decision to do so, hereÂ’s how:
Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say something, do something or do someone for which everyone will condemn you. YouÂ’ll be singing a rap song, but the only recognizable part will be the N-word. YouÂ’ll cut an old woman off in traffic or accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes from your car and not pick them up. YouÂ’ll pick your nose or scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube or Contemporary Insanity. Pretty soon you will have an internet nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you donÂ’t know have a nickname for you, you are screwed.
Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well as anyone else.
When you wake up in jail, know that you can go right back to sleep and snore off that hang over. Maybe itÂ’s all a bad dream and you will wake up in your own bed at home. With your own pillows and blankie and stinky, bearded man ramming you in the butt.
Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.
If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.
“Doug. He’s wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and he’s wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.”
Combine that tactic with any nicknames you have and watch your polls drop! Especially if your nickname rhymes with TAX or SLEEPSWITHLITTLEBOYS.
Step four: Open a MySpace account with your real name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on MySpace. Most of them are completely f’d up. Using your real name allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of 100 times, your “friends” will just circle your place in their 89 Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over 100 friends, now don’t you? Duct Tape: the official tape of MySpace.
Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you enjoy it
IÂ’m in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I donÂ’t make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.
Step six: Solicit for sex on the internet
Internet math goes a little like this:
114 lbs = 162 lbs
single = married
social drinker = drunk
smokes = smokes
32 = 49
16 = a cop
Please remember that if you are a pedophile and you used the internet to set up a meeting with a youngin at a McDonalds, try and have the most original stuff in your car so the cops can report it to the local news after they arrest you. DonÂ’t be like the other dopes that have wine coolers and condoms. Have 1,200 Twizzlers, a case of red pop and 8 tubes of airplane glue. Be creative!
Step seven: Start playing World of Warcraft
Why be a simple dork? Why not spend ALL your time being a dork and hanging out with other dorks AND paying someone else money so that you can do it!
It’s not cool anymore to roll dice and collect metal figurines. The new way to completely ruin your life is to do so as an Orc Shaman. Nothing says downward spiral more completely than “I was saving gold for a Bad Mojo Mask, but now with the new patch, I’m thinking about buying a crossover Epic Mount.”
And no one has ever had a job interview question concerning WoW. Never.
/gquit
Step eight: Make fun of people who play World of Warcraft
Once you start poking fun at the players of WoW, you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. They know computers. They know your IP address. If you are on MySpace, they probably know your real name. They will track you down and kill you.
You are fucked. Buy a typewriter. And some stamps.
Step nine: Get married
Obvious.
Step ten: Start a blog
A blog is worthless. No one wants to read what you have to say or what your kid did with her oatmeal or how you hate your job. BORING!
Pretty soon you will run out of things to say and you will start to reveal secrets about yourself.
Next thing you know you will start to make up cartoons to fill space and top ten lists. You will lose all credibility and self respect. Then you will probably enter the porn world (which would be step eleven, except that IÂ’m feeling depressed.)
So, good luck with ruining your life. With the proper motivation, it should only take you 3 -4 four weeks. After you lose your license for DUI, youÂ’ll have lots of free time to build a MySpace page and to play World of Warcraft where youÂ’ll meet your spouse and write a blog about it.
