I've become a monster
-
I become a monster..
In 6 days time, if the "communication stalemate" were to persist, I'll be back into the seemingly inviting realm of singlehood. Freedom..
Clash of character, her possessive "clingy" nature, constant need for attention, differences in future paths n other flashpoints have made me somewhat strangled.. breathless. I badly need my own space.. a very big space. But i guess i should start from sth tt is prior to this n tt is still going on..
My mum. A respectable mother i would say. Really appreciated wat she has done for me since day -270. THe sacrifices she has done. The attention she gave. THe support she gave. However, as much as these are extremely good traits of a mother, there are also traits tt r the at the opposite spectrum. I still do respect her, but i dont trust her n to a certain extent despise her. Her betrayal of my trust through the years. Since both of us r stubborn, quarrels r pretty often. That has nv ever been mended. On the contrary, it has torn further n further apart. How am i to trust someone who herself doesnt trust anybody else n respect others privacy. Someone who is suspicious n hides things from others. The things behind my back. It feels like being stabbed behind several times. It really hurts. Deathly pain.
As the years go by, my hunger for freedom grew continuously.. gradually.. until when i reached a certain ripe age.. it spurt. Kinda like a kid going through puberty. Frantically clawing out of the darkness to the light not too far away, to get out of the home tt i feel so out of place. To get out n exp life the hard but sweeter way.
I used to be sensitive, both ways. Aware of wat's going around me n at the same time sensitive as to how to approach pple n their emotions. But wat i have gotten is nothing but getting taken advantaged n trodden all over. There was a period of time, other things got piled onto the mess. That was when i had my 1st bout of depression i guess. Behind close doors in the confines of my room were tears, agony, pain, screams n blood. Why cant i rip tt heart of mine. Wat's the use of such a damn piece of muscle. Why cant i scar tt face since i dun like wat i see in the mirror. I hated myself.
No more. No more to all the unfairness on myself. I've remained sensitive to the surroundings but become brutally frank n pragmatic in handling most things.. both as a form of defensive mechanism. Sb were to put me down, fine.. i'll juz pick myself n move on n not dwell on self-pity. I've single-handedly rebuilt my self-esteem n confidence n ego n i will protect them with extreme fervour. Is like the world is laughing n taunting at me n I managed pull myself together n hold my head high. My hard-earned achievements. My prized possessions.
I value freedom above almost anything else. Selfish hunger for it i must admit. To the extent i dont like to feel tied down. It didnt help tt the girl i love ( or loved.. havent gotten it figured out yet.. still processing) required alot of attention. I guess i've kinda have a phobia of women getting to close to me emotionally. I'm too tuned to liberation to have my wings clipped.
Dun get me wrong. I have nothing against females. Not like Heng@ to the extent of anti-male. I do enjoy female companionship. In effect, majority of my closest pals r females.. pple whom i could talk anything under the sun. Companionship is fine but anything more kinda makes things complicated. I've told her many times tt i value freedom alot but she is the sort who had lots of attention all her life. N i feel tt my space have been made narrower n narrower to the extent of suffocation. I had to break free. Years of confinement has made me claustrophobic, not the physical sense if u get my drift.
I know i'm selfish n i do not like it at all. But i'm not happy. I dun wish to break her heart coz i've gone through a heartbreak b4 n i would rather forget abt it. But knowing full well tt it's unlikely it's will last forever, it's not fair on both of us to continue. No fair for her to waste her life n youth on a possibly hopeless relation. She deserves sb who can give her the amt of attention she needs. I cant give her the happiness she seeks. It's sad tt an almost 2-yr relationship to end this way. BUt i guess it'll be the best for both in the long run.
I feel i have changed. I'd lost most of my innocence unwillingly. To protect wat's left of it, i've become a somewhat heartless brutal creature. Pragmaticism has ruled over clouds of daydreams n sensitivity. Self b4 others. I may have become emotionally bankrupt. A monster. I would not like to, honestly. But i am forced to.. i had to. I need to..
I dunno why wat made me post this, knowing full well perceptions of me by the online community might change after this. Maybe this forum seems warm n comforting. Kudos Rhonda n Bear n other mods. Great job. My apology if this irks u guys. Juz felt like expressing myself. Thx. Feel kinda at ease..
-
hello hello. why u lament lament also got mention my name one?
and u're not 30 either! -
Neither are u..Originally posted by HENG@:hello hello. why u lament lament also got mention my name one?
and u're not 30 either! -
Anyway.. at the end.. i mentioned.. this forum somehow feels comforting n assuring for me to post this..
Rhonda Bear n others have done a great job i guess.. -
i still dun see how come i involved in your laments.
-
cookie monster..chomp chomp...
-
Juz metaphoric i guess.. Hey.. i used u in a metaphor.. honored or not..Originally posted by HENG@:i still dun see how come i involved in your laments. -
honoured la honoured la.Originally posted by Gackt247:Juz metaphoric i guess.. Hey.. i used u in a metaphor.. honored or not.. -
Originally posted by laurence82:cookie monster..chomp chomp...
ah lau here u go again.. lame lame.. handicap.. -
I tot so..Originally posted by HENG@:honoured la honoured la. 
-
Originally posted by Gackt247:I tot so..
-
with your mum.. get married and move out lor.. or go rent a flat.. cite reasons such as close to your workplace or blah blah blah.. and, good luck.. but one day u'll turn around and look back when she's no longer in this world and u will actually missed those unhappy days.. try it out and u'll see my point...
with your other half.. get another one and move on lor.. but one day u'll turn around and look back when she's no longer with u and u will actually missed those unhappy days.. try it out and u'll see my point... -
At the end of the day, the choice is yours to make... Just have no regrets whatever decision you chose.
There's nothing more important than your family. Perhaps it's all been a misunderstanding between you and your mother, or maybe it's not...
As for your girlfriend, just follow your heart. If you're feeling miserable from it, then there's really no point clinging on to it. Never compromise on your love.
Well, good luck to you! Have no regrets... -
Oh by the way, I'm honoured you said our forum is warm, comforting and assuring...
-
hey, nothing to apologise about since all you did was to express yourself and that's what a forum's for. so long as you didn't engage in any "personal attacks" or offensive behaviour, then there's really nothing to feel sorry about wrt to the folks here.
wrt to your story, dunno how to offer advice. all i can say is, follow your heart and i wish you all the best~ -
dude.... do whatever u like with your life... as long happy with it, can liao.
there's no such thing as 'monster' or 'human'... no right/wrong in this world.
everything is grey and u just have to keep afloat. -
Well, Gack, glad that you feel comfortable in here. I've met quite a few of the Club 30 folks and they're really nice, non-psychotic folks! hahaha!
It sounds as if your girlfriend is plagued with a bad case of insecurity. She needs to 'find herself' and confidence and self-esteem is something that can only be built up by herself. You can only provide assurances for so long, can't expect you to do it all the time and forever. I don't know what's the best thing to do in this situation but the fact that it bothers you enough to write about it probably means that you've been putting up with it for quite a while now. Maybe you should have a deep talk with her again and let her know how this issue bothers you. See how it goes from there.
Moms show their love for their kids in different ways and in the only ways they know how. Her way of showing her love for you might seem stifling to you but she might not see it that way. The more you seem to pull back, the more desperate her hold on you. I guess she's just scared that you'll grow up way too soon or she just wants to make sure you don't make major mistakes in your life that'll mess you up. I don't know. Can only venture guesses. What's important is that there's a time for everything... a time to be a good son to your mom, and a time to leave the family nest and establish your own home.
I don't know how she'll take it if you decide to move out now. Do think carefully before you do that though cause moving out incurs expenses and responsibility. Not every parent would take kindly to their kid moving out of the family home before marriage. So, hold your horses and assess the situation again... does it warrant this action? Would your mom understand or is she very traditional and conservative and this would create stormy weather at home?
I moved out at 21 but then again, I've always been super independant and my mom is modern, open-minded and understanding. It worked for me, but that doesn't mean it'll work for all. Also, moving out incurs expenses that till today, eats into a huge chunk of my measly monthly income.
So, it doesn't solve all problems per se... just introduces a new set of problems to be overcome.
I'm glad you're bringing these issues out to be discussed because very often, we make the best decisions when we get different opinions and advice and see things from perspectives we never would have thought of. Gack, all the best and hope we're of help! Update us! -
THx guys.. really appreciate ur concerns.. still brooding abt things.. thinking it thru..
-
thinking about how to fit ah heng's name into your thots again?
-
well .... at least he remembers your name....Originally posted by HENG@:thinking about how to fit ah heng's name into your thots again? -
true.Originally posted by mistyblue:well .... at least he remembers your name.... -
I wonder when will my name come out in someone's musings ... ... (except the perverts... )Originally posted by HENG@:true. -
i'll try to use your name the next time i muse.Originally posted by mistyblue:I wonder when will my name come out in someone's musings ... ... (except the perverts... )
"... everything is so blurred and dull for me. my life is mistyblue now..." -
Nice nice!!!Originally posted by HENG@:i'll try to use your name the next time i muse.
"... everything is so blurred and dull for me. my life is mistyblue now..." -
Originally posted by mistyblue:Nice nice!!!
