silly jokes
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nah.. on the contrary.. i work in the enforcement industry
Originally posted by Gackt247:Bear has so many jokes in his sleeves.. god knows whether he works in the entertainment industry.. dispensing jokes.. maybe cross-dress.. do a drag.. like Kumar..
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Marriage is not a word; it is a life sentence.Originally posted by kalangkabo:A man is only half-complete until he finds a wife...
then he's really done for! -
St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of 40 MUFC Fans. St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all and goes off to ask God which ones he should let in.
"Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven!" says God.
Ten minutes later, St. Peter comes back to God.
"They're gone!" he exclaims.
"What? All 40 of them?" asks God.
"Not the MUFC Fans," says St. Peter, "the Gates!!"
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Originally posted by the Bear:The worst Civil Aviation disaster happened in Poland when a single-seater Cessna crashed in a graveyard.
The death toll is 482 so far and authorities say that the toll is set to rise as they unearth more bodies. -
ahem...Originally posted by Gackt247:Bear has so many jokes in his sleeves.. god knows whether he works in the entertainment industry.. dispensing jokes.. maybe cross-dress.. do a drag.. like Kumar.. -
i'll leave the drag to youOriginally posted by HENG@:ahem...
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oh it's easy to drag. 1st u rev to 3500rpms, feed the clutch in slowly, feel it bite, drop it like it's hot, and listen to your tyres scream bloody murder.Originally posted by the Bear:i'll leave the drag to you -
nah.. i don't like wheelspin.. it's a waste of power..Originally posted by HENG@:oh it's easy to drag. 1st u rev to 3500rpms, feed the clutch in slowly, feel it bite, drop it like it's hot, and listen to your tyres scream bloody murder.
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no one said they aren't a waste of power. it's just fun to do.Originally posted by the Bear:nah.. i don't like wheelspin.. it's a waste of power.. -
maybe.. but i think a messed up diff would be totally unfun
oh well.. it's almost time for me to go look for a small car
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Originally posted by HENG@:ahem...
I wasnt refering to u.. any reference other den Bear is purely coincidental.. -
Joe took his new date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," said Kim. They ambled over to the weight-guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 pounds and she won a stuffed toy.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe asked Kim again what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight-guesser again they went. SInce they had been there before, the guy guessed correctly and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again, Joe asked Kim what she wanted to do next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Kim responded..
"Oh Waura... it was wousy!" -
A man played golf one afternoon. He teed off and the ball landed near a 9m tall tree. An old man then walked towards him and told him. When I was your age, I could hit the ball far over the tree.
The man took it as a challenge and hit the ball as hard as he could. The ball hit the tree in mid-trunk and thudded back to the same place.The old man pipped up. Of course, when I was your age, the tree was only a metre tall.
A priest was tired of giving sermons and prayers. So one Sunday, he drove to a faraway golf course to avoid attention and played golf. St Peter asked God. Will you let him off?
God shook his head. The next moment, the priest teed off and it was a hole-in-one! The priest tried again and it repeated. This went on ten times. St Peter was outraged and he asked God. I thought you would punish him? You rewarded him instead!
God replied. I have punished him, now who is he gonna tell?
Hope you enjoy these 2 jokes. -
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells the wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me anothe beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later, says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing buy a lazy, drunkened, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started." -
An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favourite bar, he manages to attract one rather scandinavian looking blonde woman.
So they're back at his place, and sure enough,they go at it.
After a long while ... He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So
.... you finish?"
After a slight pause she replies, "No."
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the last...
and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So .... you finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she simply says "No."
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and then asks tiredly, "So ... you finish?"
To which her reply is, "No. I'm Swedish." -
The following are supposedly true bloopers found in church bulletins:
* Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
* Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* For those of you who have children and didn't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
* Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice. -
Appropriate Hymns for Different Folks
The Dentist's Hymn:..............Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn............There Shall be Showers of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn............The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn................There Is a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn............Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn...........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn.............I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn...........Send the Light
The Shopper's Hymn...............Sweet By and By
The Realtors Hymn................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Now, for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns for you:
45 mph......................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph......................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph......................Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph......................Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph......................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph......................Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph..........Precious Memories Now, don't giggle senseless when you sing any of these hymns in your church service! -
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CORPORATE TALK
Here's something that might help you figure out those slick jibberish from recruiting companies so you'll know what they really mean!
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're
just now running the ad.
"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS"
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own pension plan and, if you behave
we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT"
We have a lot of turnover.
"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT"
Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on
yachts.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM"
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control. .
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD"
You whine, you're fired. -
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
fourteen times gives you job security.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. -
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
You are invited to use my program without charge.
1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions
3) Climbing the walls
4) Swallowing my pride
5) Passing the buck
6) Throwing my weight around
7) Dragging my heels
Pushing my luck
9) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
1 Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
Happy Exercising! -
Oxymorons...
47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate
And the Number one top Oxymoron...
01. Microsoft Works -
On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer and work all day long. You will work all day under the sun and help provide for the farmers family! I will give you a lifespan of 50 years."
The cow objected. "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the last 30 years - I'll give back to you."
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you
are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that
come by, or in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give you a life span of 20 years!"
The dog objected. "What? All day long I have to sit by the door? No way! Let me live for only 10 years. I give you back my other 10 years of life!"
So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "A monkey
has to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. And I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks?
Ten years will do, and the other 10 years - I'll give back to you."
So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. For this kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....... Why don't we make a deal? Since Cow gave you back 30 years, Dog gave you back 10 years, and Monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?"
So God agreed.
AND THAT IS WHY.........In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people. -
don understand...Originally posted by the Bear:that's good
hope the swings aren't that severe anymore
here's another:
There was this Iranian who was wandering around in the desert and kicked a bottle. Out came a genie and said the usual thing, "You are granted THREE wishes!"
The Iranian thought for a while and said, "I want the Israeli army to come and destroy Tehran by land."
Puzzled, the genie wondered why but didn't ask, and said, "It is done! What is your 2nd wish?"
Again, the Iranian said, "I want the Israelis to come and destroy Tehran by land."
So, the genie did the same thing again and became even more intrigued, "It is done again. Let me guess, you want the Israeli army to come by land to destroy Tehran?"
"YES!" said the Iranian, "Again!"
"It is done again!" said the genie. "Now that I've fulfilled my vows, may I ask why, you, an Iranian, would want the Israelis to come over and destroy Tehran by land?"
The Iranian laughed maniacally, "To get to Tehran by land three times, the Israelis have to cross Iraq SIX times!" -
again don understandOriginally posted by the Bear:Oh, darling, let's not park here.
Oh, darling, let's not park.
Oh, darling, let's not.
Oh, darling, let's!
Oh, darling!
Oh!