silly jokes
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again don understand leh!!!Originally posted by the Bear:hey.. that actually happened to me!
but i look at it as a good thing.. people around me would probably gag and throw up... i just looked at it as "protein"
well here's another gag..
Two nuns were driving back to the convent when a vampire landed on the bonnet of the car.
"ARGH!!" cried the driver as she swerved around, trying to get the vampire off.
This only enraged the vampire.
She then turned on the windshield wipers and the windscreen spray.
Again, this only served to enrage the vampire.
The other nun then said, "He's not getting off! I know.. show him your cross!"
So the driver wound down the window, stuck her head our and yelled, "GET THE HELL OFF MY GODDAMNED CAR!!" -
hehehe! So cham ah? I actually had a good laugh from those jokes, esp the one about not parking.Originally posted by bladez87:again don understand leh!!!
Once a joke has to be explained, it kinda loses its effect already. -
what's another word for angry?Originally posted by bladez87:again don understand leh!!! -
cross also means angry...Originally posted by bladez87:again don understand leh!!!
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the israelis have to fight through iraq 6 times.Originally posted by bladez87:don understand... -
huh i still don understand.Originally posted by kopiosatu:the israelis have to fight through iraq 6 times.
y 6 times?i don get the joke... -
hairy palms can understand or not?Originally posted by bladez87:huh i still don understand.
y 6 times?i don get the joke... -
Originally posted by the Bear:
I don't understand this one.
St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of 40 MUFC Fans. St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all and goes off to ask God which ones he should let in.
"Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven!" says God.
Ten minutes later, St. Peter comes back to God.
"They're gone!" he exclaims.
"What? All 40 of them?" asks God.
"Not the MUFC Fans," says St. Peter, "[b]the Gates!!"
[/b] -
the fans like to remove the gatesOriginally posted by F Takumi:I don't understand this one.
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I still don't understandOriginally posted by InnoHippo:the fans like to remove the gates 
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Man United fans are louts and hooligans, that's what he's saying!Originally posted by F Takumi:I still don't understand 
(Forza Milan!) -
i thought this part (in red) was hilarious. the building up to the climax of events.Originally posted by the Bear:Oh, darling, let's not park here.
Oh, darling, let's not park.
Oh, darling, let's not.
Oh, darling, let's!
Oh, darling!
Oh! -
these just came in the mail today... enjoy...
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1. An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question,
Have you ever been arrested?
He answered,No.
The next question, intended for people, who had answered in the
affirmative to the last one, was Why?
The applicant answered it anyway: Never got caught.
2. Employer to applicant: In this job we need someone who is responsible.
Applicant: I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.
3. Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?
I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months.
4. Judge to defendant: Aren't you ashamed, coming here for the third time?
Defendant: Well, you come every day.
5. Why did the man wear a wet shirt?
Because the shirt's! l! abel said: Wash and wear.
6. Q: Which city is trying to get rid of its mad people?
A: Madrid.
7. A teacher was testing the young student's intelligence.
When is your birthday dear? asked the teacher to his six-year old.
22nd February, said the child.
What year my dear? Asked the teacher.
Every year, said the child with a smile
8. Sunny: My mom took me to the cemetery last Sunday.
Sonia: Oh! anyone dead?
Sunny: Yes All of them
9. Knock, Knock. Who's there?
Opportunity.
Can't be.
Why Not?
Opportunity knocks only once.
10. Q: What is the best place to go to when you are dying?
A: The living room.
11. Q: When can 60 people stand under an umbrella without getting wet?
A: When it isn't raining.
12. Raju: How many sides does a circle have?
Ravi: A circle does not have any side.
Raju: Yes, it does, the inside and the outside.
13. Q: Why are doctors and lawyers never perfect?
A: Because they are always practising. -
oicOriginally posted by Kuali Baba:Man United fans are louts and hooligans, that's what he's saying! (Forza Milan!) -
okay... one more Red Riding Hood gag (especially to those who have been around long enough to have read my infamous 1st sickko Red Riding Hood gag )
Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away! Further down the road, Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time, he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Red Riding Hood.
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track, Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams....
"WILL YOU BUGGER OFF??? I'M TRYING TO TAKE A CRAP!!" -
A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husband's estate. Upon completion of the job, he charged her $100. She opened her purse and took out one of the few remaining contents, a one hundred dollar bill.
After he left, the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100 stuck to it.
Immediately, he was faced with an ethical dilemma - whether or not to tell his partner. -
3 vampires went to a pub.
The first vampire ordered a glass of cow blood as he is not so well off.
The second vampire is a rich guy, so he ordered a glass of human blood.
The third vampire asked for a glass of warm water.
The other 2 vampires were puzzled and asked him, 'Are you that poor? We'll buy you a glass of blood.'
To which the third vampire replied, 'It's ok, I brought my own tea bag.' -
u neglected to say that the 3rd vampire took a used sanitary pad/tampon out.Originally posted by F Takumi:3 vampires went to a pub.
The first vampire ordered a glass of cow blood as he is not so well off.
The second vampire is a rich guy, so he ordered a glass of human blood.
The third vampire asked for a glass of warm water.
The other 2 vampires were puzzled and asked him, 'Are you that poor? We'll buy you a glass of blood.'
To which the third vampire replied, 'It's ok, I brought my own tea bag.' -
One day, the queen of the jungle gathered the animals, and told them. Each animal must tell a joke, if someone does not laugh, the joker will be executed.
So, monkey told a very funny joke. All the animals laughed and rolled about, except tortoise. So, monkey was executed. Next, rabbit, told a joke, and tortoise, again was unmoved. So rabbit's fate was sealed. Interestingly, when rabbit's head was chopped off, tortoise suddenly burst into laughter and laughed till he cried. The bewildered animals asked what happened. Tortoise choked and said. Monkey's joke is damn funny!
One day, 3 bored vampires who lived in castle decided to have a contest. Whoever drank the most blood in the fastest time wins. So, off went the 1st vamp in bat shape. He came back in 5min, and had blood on his lips. He said. I drank the blood from pp in 3 villages.
The others were awed. The 2nd vamp came back in 1min, and had blood on his cheeks and lips. The 2 shocked vamps listened to him say. I drank blood from pp in 10 villages.
The last vamp changed into a bat also, and came back in 15s, he had blood on his face, and some dripped onto his cloak. The other 2 were flabberghasted and the victor said. I went down the stairs and failed to see the pillar. -
Some jokes are meant to be subtleOriginally posted by HENG@:u neglected to say that the 3rd vampire took a used sanitary pad/tampon out. -
Apparently in some areas of the Deep South of the US, the makers of a washing liquid are about to run an advert. It's on the same basic formula:
Small Child: "Mommy!, why are your hands so soft?"
Mother: "Because I'm twelve, darling!"
(now THAT'S subtle) -
The Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist visited a farm one day and sees the farmer sitting on his porch with his dog.
Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Farmer: The dog doesn't talk...
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin' all right.
Farmer: [extreme look of shock]
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? [pointing at Farmer]
Dog: Yep
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Farmer: [look of disbelief]
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Farmer: The horse doesn't talk..
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: Cool.
Farmer: [extreme look of shock]
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? [pointing at Farmer]
Horse: Yep
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Farmer: [total look of amazement]
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Farmer: The Sheep is a VILE LIAR!! -
Originally posted by the Bear:
[b]The Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist visited a farm one day and sees the farmer sitting on his porch with his dog.
Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Farmer: The dog doesn't talk...
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin' all right.
Farmer: [extreme look of shock]
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? [pointing at Farmer]
Dog: Yep
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Farmer: [look of disbelief]
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Farmer: The horse doesn't talk..
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: Cool.
Farmer: [extreme look of shock]
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? [pointing at Farmer]
Horse: Yep
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Farmer: [total look of amazement]
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Farmer: The Sheep is a VILE LIAR!![/b] -
Haircuts
WOMEN:
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
(... and on and on for the next 3 hours..)
MEN:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah. -
Real Women vs. Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake. You're probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha Stewart: When a recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead of flour and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha Stewart: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess for an instant "fix me up."
Real Women: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad. I made it and you will eat it.
Martha Stewart: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting it in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Real Women: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over a piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women: Take a lime, cut it in half and mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women: Go ask the very cute neighbor to open it for you.
Martha Stewart: Don't throw away all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women: Leftover wine?