silly jokes
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i have delusions of reaching the heights of mediocrity
Originally posted by Rhonda: Here's to those sad, delusional folks who think they're something they're not! -
This one's for you, Kops!
All hail the food-lovers!
And this makes it Post #100 in this thread!
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Aiyah... you made it to Post #100 instead.Originally posted by the Bear:i have delusions of reaching the heights of mediocrity
*brings out evil cattle prod... 
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this is pepper spray, this is a cattle prod... these are nunchuks, this is a sword or something... (throws away baseball bat with spike)
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I've been trying to find Gary Larson's 'The Far Side' comics online but I guess they aren't available. I'm a huge fan of 'The Far Side'... anyone else here is one too?
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there will never be an online Far Side...
Larson does not want it online and it's copyrightedOriginally posted by Rhonda:I've been trying to find Gary Larson's 'The Far Side' comics online but I guess they aren't available. I'm a huge fan of 'The Far Side'... anyone else here is one too? -
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This newly-discovered comic strip, Brevity, is almost as good as The Far Side!
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A couple is lying in bed one night when the woman turns to the man, smiles and says, "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."
The man replies, "I'll miss you." -
The census taker introduced himself to a woman who was working in her garden and asked if he could interview her.
She agreed and led the man inside. He started with a few demographic questions, then moved on to her family.
"So, how many children do you and your husband have?" he asked.
"Four. Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."
"What?" the census taker replied amused. "Why did you name your fourth child George?"
Because we didnt want any Moe." -
just got this in the mail today. tot it's pretty good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Apartment rental
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with
him for $500.00.
So they spent the night together.
In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent" for Apartment
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque
for $250.00 and enclosed a note:
**********
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250.00 for the rental of
your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the
apartment,i was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the
following reply:
**********
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there
is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the
space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't
have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
I will expect full payment due immediately or I
will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture!! -
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. -
A joke for the health conscious people...
====================================================
They were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though
they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched
their
pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely
due
to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last 2
decades.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare
vacation and their plane unfortunately crashed, sending them off to
Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,
with a
fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could
be
seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in
astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home
now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied; "remember, this is your reward in
Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a
championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built
on
Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every
day, any time of day that you want."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,
with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks
to
exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St.
Peter to
the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated
tea?"
he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink
as
much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or
sick.
This is Heaven!"
The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your damn bran
muffins! We could have been here twenty years ago!" -
A couple just got married. The wife comes from a poor village while the husband was from town. On the 1st night,the husband put on a condom b4 having sex. The wife was puzzled as she has nvr seen a condom b4. The next day the wife's friend asked how was last night and she replied,SYOK MAN my husband's dick is still brand new. It was still wrapped in plastic when we had sex!