Sad taxi ride yesterday - a bit of a social commentary?
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hi all! I'm new here.
I must say that I really enjoy this thread.
I think Bear has finally hit the nail on the head when he talked about "change"
If I may quote, "Change is the only constant in life."
I think I'm in a happy relationship at the moment (things can change, right?), and I live by the mantra "If you don't grow together, you'll grow apart."
I've got friends around me who'd gone through, who are going through, or will be going through divorce if they'd really meant it when they took their wedding vows.
All of them gave the same answer (all independently) that they had (meant it), at the moment they took it. And when I asked them if they think they should live by the vows, they said it was only possible if it's an ideal world (or something along these lines).
I think we should always live by our words. I mean, you took a vow right? Should you not live by it, no matter what? maybe i'm just naive? Maybe the problem lies in that people value themselves too much. so it's always about me, mine and my interests?
Essentially, what I'm driving at is that things will change. You will grow older, things will get more expensive, people will change. The best anyone can hope for is that you start with the right person (with shared values and goals). After that, you've have to make sure you're running in the same direction, and not deviate too much. How much of it can be help? really depends, right?Originally posted by the Bear:hey, we all change...
and when it diverges, it can be sad...
but heck.. it hurts.. we keep trying...
what is wonderful is when people do not succumb to cynicism and keep looking
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hear hear!!!Originally posted by the Bear:hey, we all change...
and when it diverges, it can be sad...
but heck.. it hurts.. we keep trying...
what is wonderful is when people do not succumb to cynicism and keep looking -
despite our best intentions, a lot of things are not within our control...Originally posted by ilovemyrolex:hi all! I'm new here.
I must say that I really enjoy this thread.
I think Bear has finally hit the nail on the head when he talked about "change"
If I may quote, "Change is the only constant in life."
I think I'm in a happy relationship at the moment (things can change, right?), and I live by the mantra "If you don't grow together, you'll grow apart."
I've got friends around me who'd gone through, who are going through, or will be going through divorce if they'd really meant it when they took their wedding vows.
All of them gave the same answer (all independently) that they had (meant it), at the moment they took it. And when I asked them if they think they should live by the vows, they said it was only possible if it's an ideal world (or something along these lines).
I think we should always live by our words. I mean, you took a vow right? Should you not live by it, no matter what? maybe i'm just naive? Maybe the problem lies in that people value themselves too much. so it's always about me, mine and my interests?
Essentially, what I'm driving at is that things will change. You will grow older, things will get more expensive, people will change. The best anyone can hope for is that you start with the right person (with shared values and goals). After that, you've have to make sure you're running in the same direction, and not deviate too much. How much of it can be help? really depends, right? -
Let me share a quote which i like a lot:
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, wthout knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." - Gilda Radner
i have this pasted at my desk. Hope you guys will enjoy it too...
Originally posted by neuros:despite our best intentions, a lot of things are not within our control... -
I always subscribe to the belief that if only couples will be patient and wait out the storm they're currently in, it will gradually subside and peace will prevail once more.Originally posted by ilovemyrolex:All of them gave the same answer (all independently) that they had (meant it), at the moment they took it. And when I asked them if they think they should live by the vows, they said it was only possible if it's an ideal world (or something along these lines).
I think we should always live by our words. I mean, you took a vow right? Should you not live by it, no matter what? maybe i'm just naive? Maybe the problem lies in that people value themselves too much. so it's always about me, mine and my interests?
Essentially, what I'm driving at is that things will change. You will grow older, things will get more expensive, people will change. The best anyone can hope for is that you start with the right person (with shared values and goals). After that, you've have to make sure you're running in the same direction, and not deviate too much. How much of it can be help? really depends, right?
In every relationship, there'll always be a 'test'. Just when you draw closer, the rule of physics will come into play and there'll be an equal and opposite force luring you to pull back from each other. It's when you're approaching deep intimacy that you'll find the greatest resistance ... maybe due to fear, discomfort, not wanting to be vulnerable, or some deep and dark Freudian conflict within one's self.
When you feel that pull exert its strain on the relationship, do you sit and quietly wait it out, remembering the qualities about your mate that first attracted you to him/her? Would you sit tight and buckle up the seat belt for the rough ride ahead, trusting in each other's integrity and strength of character? OR, would you suddenly decide that everything about your mate pisses you off or disgusts you? I think it is when the trial comes that you can decide to weather the storm together, or call it quits.
I love to speak to elderly couples and ask them to tell me their love story or how they met. Without fail, there'll always be a trying period where they'll snap at each other and irritate each other. But inevitably, they'll also tell you that that feeling will pass and in its place is calm and tranquility and L-O-V-E.
I'm sure if we're offered a peek into the future, we'd see that if only most couples had chosen to sit and wait it out, they'll grow deeper in steadfast love and mutual acceptance.
Alas, that's the dry land that few get to land on as most would get shipwrecked or would jump off the ship the minute they can't see dry land... -
Wow... that's beautiful!!!Originally posted by ilovemyrolex:Let me share a quote which i like a lot:
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, wthout knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." - Gilda Radner
i have this pasted at my desk. Hope you guys will enjoy it too...
How come most of my poems don't rhyme and most of my stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end one, har? My English very bad, izzit?
Or izzit I'm just super suay one? -
aww.... i'm feelin so much like a ger now...Originally posted by Rhonda:I always subscribe to the belief that if only couples will be patient and wait out the storm they're currently in, it will gradually subside and peace will prevail once more.
In every relationship, there'll always be a 'test'. Just when you draw closer, the rule of physics will come into play and there'll be an equal and opposite force luring you to pull back from each other. It's when you're approaching deep intimacy that you'll find the greatest resistance ... maybe due to fear, discomfort, not wanting to be vulnerable, or some deep and dark Freudian conflict within one's self.
When you feel that pull exert its strain on the relationship, do you sit and quietly wait it out, remembering the qualities about your mate that first attracted you to him/her? Would you sit tight and buckle up the seat belt for the rough ride ahead, trusting in each other's integrity and strength of character? OR, would you suddenly decide that everything about your mate pisses you off or disgusts you? I think it is when the trial comes that you can decide to weather the storm together, or call it quits.
I love to speak to elderly couples and ask them to tell me their love story or how they met. Without fail, there'll always be a trying period where they'll snap at each other and irritate each other. But inevitably, they'll also tell you that that feeling will pass and in its place is calm and tranquility and L-O-V-E.
I'm sure if we're offered a peek into the future, we'd see that if only most couples had chosen to sit and wait it out, they'll grow deeper in steadfast love and mutual acceptance.
Alas, that's the dry land that few get to land on as most would get shipwrecked or would jump off the ship the minute they can't see dry land... -
Huh? Eh... what do you mean?Originally posted by shinta:aww.... i'm feelin so much like a ger now... Cheem to me! heh! (Cuz I don't know if you're a girl or not so don't know what you're getting at. hehe! ) -
Glad you liked it.
Too bad, I can't rhyme, let alone write poems or stories.Originally posted by Rhonda:Wow... that's beautiful!!!
How come most of my poems don't rhyme and most of my stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end one, har? My English very bad, izzit? Or izzit I'm just super suay one? -
Anybody who's ever done navigation or orienteering will know that the route you take will differ from what's drawn on the map. At some point along the way you will reach an impasse that needs to be circumvented, and if you're not careful, will lead you off the track. Ultimately, the only way you're going to get to where you intended to go is to always keep track of where you are in relation to the end point.
I've yet to see a couple that has never had to deal with any problems or difficulties. The ones that survive are the ones that remind themselves of what they're in the relationship for. of course, this raises the question of what people get into relationships for in the first place. Some common errors include:
Fun and games: Sure, it's all a lark at the start, but things are going to get serious at some point and you're going to have to do some real work.
The trophy spouse: Focussing on what the person is, rather than who the person is and how he or she fits in with what you're made of. Sooner or later, the novelty's going to wear off.
The I'm-nobody-if-I'm-not-in-a-relationship complex: Most of us will have seen this one - need I say more?
The crutch: Quite possibly the worst of the lot. One is pathologically helpless, and the other one's Don Quixote. It usually takes the form of shake-and-bake, followed by cling wrap - always a disastrous recipe.
I'd endorse a simple test as a simple reality check before getting into anything serious. Imagine dealing with the following things together with the other person:
- your kids' grades when they start flunking everything
- moving to a place where you don't know anybody
- an explosion in the kitchen
- the passing of one of your parents
- one of you going for a major surgical operation
Can't picture getting through it together with the other person? Forget it.
Actually, this all reminds me of the speech I made at my best mate's wedding. God knows I'm not his wife's biggest fan, and I wrote the following speech as a warning to her. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Please excuse this speech. I wrote in on the plane on the way back from Singapore.
My first thought when G told me that would marry V was, "It's about time". Yet I refrained from actually voicing this thought because it did not feel entirely correct.
A while ago I mentioned that I had just returned from Singapore. Those here who know me know that the purpose of my trip was to attend my mother's funeral. During this trip, I reflected that come December, my parents would have been married for 37 years.
Given that the longest commitment of my life, my university years, spanned barely a quarter of that period, the magnitude of my parents' commitment to each other was mind boggling. What would make such an undertaking successsful through all of life's challenges, of which raising me was aruguably the most daunting?
It would be simple enough to say "Love, of course", but the cynic in me has always rebelled against such a vague answer. I attempted to define the qualities required for such a commitment, and here are some of the key ingredients I think make up this vague concept of love.
First, it's about integrity, the tempering of ideals with reality to ensure that the core values of the marriage are not only maintained, but indeed nourished, through life's challenges.
It's about faith, the strength of belief that spouses have in each other, which forms the backbone of the marriage.
It's about insight, the ability to see well beyond the events that occur daily, and to perceive how these events form the quilt of experience which is marriage.
It's about courage, facing the vast expanse of the unknown future with conviction.
It's about respect, not only that of spouses for each other, but of the institution of marriage, of family and of God, by whose blessing this marriage has taken place.
It's about a sense of humour - if you can laugh, no challenge is insurmountable, and it makes the adventure a lot more fun.
I see these elements not only in the example of my own parents, but in other couples as well, in particular G's parents, Uncle R and Auntie T. In both cases, these qualities have held them in good stead for well over thirty years. At the same time, I see it in younger couples, such as my sister and brother-in-law, and these same qualities have already seen them through a multitude of events and challenges over nine years.
I stopped myself from saying "It's about time" to G because I felt that it was an inaccurate statement to make. It's about integrity, faith, insight, courage, respect and a sense of humour. These have seen married couples through decades, and these are qualities that will see G and V, the latest addition to that list, through the coming decades.
It's not about time at all - it is timeless. -
ged, u are number one choice for our emcee just don't use cheem words like "circumvent", "Don Quixote", etc. phases like "don is beautiful" and "tx is handsome" i can understand
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Lengthly but well written and of subsstances, guess this is y some can get distinction during examination.Originally posted by Gedanken:Anybody who's ever done navigation or orienteering will know that the route you take will differ from what's drawn on the map. At some point along the way you will reach an impasse that needs to be circumvented, and if you're not careful, will lead you off the track. Ultimately, the only way you're going to get to where you intended to go is to always keep track of where you are in relation to the end point.
Y in reality Relationship so complex...... not just boy meets girl... fall in love... happy ever after......... haizzzzzzzzzz -
Unfortuantely, Sean, that's just the way things work.Originally posted by seancannot:Y in reality Relationship so complex...... not just boy meets girl... fall in love... happy ever after......... haizzzzzzzzzz
If you want to choose something to do, you look at what, where, who and when. And example of this is "boy meets girl and falls in love".
If you want to make sure it works, you're just going to have to pay attention to how and why. Nothing, absolutely nothing, works without a process.
You know if you boil your instant noodles for too long, they'll get soggy, and if you keep revving your car's engine without moving up the gears, you're going to blow it up. Everything has a process, and if you don't maintain awareness of the process, things are going to go wrong. Why should relationships be any different?
A relationship may seem like magic when it works, and a curse when it doesn't. It's neither. It's just like everything else around you - you need to know how it works or it's going to blow up in your face. Yes, it's a cold and unemotional way of looking at it, and the sooner you get the hang of it, the better off you'll be. -
Wow, Gedanken, that was a profound and thought-provoking speech!
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Thanks, Rhonda! When I finished, the room of 200 or so people was silent - my first thought was, "Oops, I done f***ed up somewhere", especially since I HAD actually written the speech on the plane two days before the wedding, accompanied by about seven or eight scotches.
A few minutes later, some guy called Mark, who looked to be in his forties, came up and said that it wasn't often that a younger person gave him something to think about. Coming from the head of neurology at St. Vincent's Hospital, I'll take that as a compliment. -
I agree with your sample of scenarios as a method of reality check.Originally posted by Gedanken:I'd endorse a simple test as a simple reality check before getting into anything serious. Imagine dealing with the following things together with the other person:
- your kids' grades when they start flunking everything
- moving to a place where you don't know anybody
- an explosion in the kitchen
- the passing of one of your parents
- one of you going for a major surgical operation
I'd like to elaborate on the last scenario - one of you going for a major surgical operation. I've had the opportunity of observing many many couples in this situation and it can be heartwarming, or it can make you feel really sombre.
After a major operation, a person won't look her best at all. On top of that, there are the mood swings to deal with, the possible depression, the grouchiness or sometimes even, the temper tantrums.
Trust me, in times like these, you'd be thankful for a patient, supportive spouse who will not bring you to task for being grouchy nor difficult but will still love you in spite of and despite.
Recently, we had a patient who was part of senior management in her firm, suddenly collapse and had to undergo a major operation. She was in a coma for days afterwards but her ever-patient and loving husband would be there everyday during visiting hours, just standing beside her bed, or lovingly holding her hand, stroking her hair and talking to her.
He also played mom to the kids in the interim. I also overheard him talking to his friend about him doing the housework and taking over tasks and duties his wife used to do.
I think so far, I know of three guys who will stand strong and provide good support to their wives in times of major illness. One's married and the other two are attached.
Oh well, the next one I know who will pass Gedanken's reality check test shall be for keeps! hehehe! -
cos i'm a rather tomboyish person..Originally posted by Rhonda:Huh? Eh... what do you mean? Cheem to me! heh! (Cuz I don't know if you're a girl or not so don't know what you're getting at. hehe! )
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You expressed what I was thinking, perfectly, especially in the part I'd highlighted!Originally posted by Rhonda:I always subscribe to the belief that if only couples will be patient and wait out the storm they're currently in, it will gradually subside and peace will prevail once more.
In every relationship, there'll always be a 'test'. Just when you draw closer, the rule of physics will come into play and there'll be an equal and opposite force luring you to pull back from each other. It's when you're approaching deep intimacy that you'll find the greatest resistance ... maybe due to fear, discomfort, not wanting to be vulnerable, or some deep and dark Freudian conflict within one's self.
When you feel that pull exert its strain on the relationship, do you sit and quietly wait it out, remembering the qualities about your mate that first attracted you to him/her? Would you sit tight and buckle up the seat belt for the rough ride ahead, trusting in each other's integrity and strength of character? OR, would you suddenly decide that everything about your mate pisses you off or disgusts you? I think it is when the trial comes that you can decide to weather the storm together, or call it quits.
I love to speak to elderly couples and ask them to tell me their love story or how they met. Without fail, there'll always be a trying period where they'll snap at each other and irritate each other. But inevitably, they'll also tell you that that feeling will pass and in its place is calm and tranquility and L-O-V-E.
I'm sure if we're offered a peek into the future, we'd see that if only most couples had chosen to sit and wait it out, they'll grow deeper in steadfast love and mutual acceptance.
Alas, that's the dry land that few get to land on as most would get shipwrecked or would jump off the ship the minute they can't see dry land... I think that only thru' weathering storms & ups & downs with each other, does true love blossom.