Throw off the shackles of misplaced shame
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The Business Times
Published June 11, 2005
By SIOW LI SEN
BAD luck is just bad luck; nothing to be ashamed of. And being different from other people should not be seen as a matter of shame, either.
But too often these days in middle-class Singapore where we all seem so preoccupied with status, shame - or the fear of it - rules.
One recent example of misplaced shame was a newspaper picture I saw illustrating an article about single mothers and their uphill struggle against discriminatory policies and a society that views their situation as shameful.
The young woman in question was pictured from behind, so as to be unrecognisable. It could be, of course, that it was a posed picture, with the mother and baby not actually part of a single-parent family.
But, in any case, the editors who selected the photograph were well aware of the potential for shame; they could after all have used a real photograph of a recognisable young woman unashamed of her status, if they could have found one. It is so sad that the woman in the picture could not proudly show off her baby.
Discrimination against single mothers - which adds to the humiliation for them and their babies - can take the form of denying them public housing.
In practice, applications from such women are sometimes granted - but after much pleading and months of effort that may include intervention from a Member of Parliament.
To force these women into having to plead for housing, by handling their applications 'case by case', seems wasteful of official time, as well as adding to the young mothers' feelings of disgrace. It is all so unnecessary.
If we are not careful, Singapore can end up a nation where too many people fear shame - a feeling not confined to underprivileged people or the outcasts from society.
I know of a family here where the father is a millionaire, and a daughter with poor qualifications found it impossible to get the job she thought she should have.
It seemed her inaction was out of shame that she might not succeed because of her very successful father and other siblings.
So she languishes at home, perhaps seeing it as less dishonourable to be unemployed than to work in a low status job.
Things can be so different, when people are not ruled by this misplaced sense of honour. In Hong Kong recently, I was reminded of the sort of attitude to adversity that can make a city vibrant.
My aunt's driver is also a factory owner in China. The Asian financial crisis meant that the man's factory in neighbouring Dongguan shrank from employing several hundred workers to one with about 30 workers. Mr Chen was, before the 1997 crisis, considered a minor tycoon; two years ago, he decided to augment his uncertain income by working as a chauffeur.
Talking to Mr Chen was refreshing, with his attitude so different from what we are used to in Singapore. At no time did I sense that he felt any shame at holding a lowly job as a driver in brand-conscious Hong Kong.
Another positive example: The wife of my husband's nephew has taken a job as cleaning lady in the software company her husband works for - a company which his father co-founded.
The wife, at home minding the two young children during the day, could only work in the evenings after her husband gets home. The cleaning job came up, she wanted the extra money, so she decided to go for it.
They just get on with their lives and shame does not enter the picture. She hopes that when the children are older, she will have time to go for training and then get better-paid work.
In Singapore, we have become too judgmental. Alternative lifestyles (a phrase which was once used only to describe gay people but now apparently includes single mothers and any non-standard household) have to be either condemned or pitied, before they are accepted. At least that seems to be the public perception.
In making Singapore a safe city for families, along the way we have become a little obsessed with Kodak perfect compositions. The concept of what's ideal, the 'right' jobs, or that a family unit has to be made up of a man, wife and children, is so out of touch.
Single mothers have always been around, as indeed have gays. Hard work, including a willingness to get our hands dirty, jobs and social mobility are what built Singapore. Not shame. -
if only the govt thinks likewise and accord them fair treatment.
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The thing is alot of Singaporean has the "Holier than thou" attitude
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An distant uncle of mine was so upset that his daughter married a divorcee 15 years her senior that he refused to invite relatives to the wedding dinner, keeping it to close family only. He was ashamed of their union.
With the rise of divorces here, it's time people get used to the ideas of divorcees, remarriages and step-families. Going by demographics and trends, it's simply unrealistic to recognise the Family unit as strictly the traditional first-marriage father-mother-children structure. -
I agree! In fact, recently, I had a lively discussion with my colleagues about whether we'd date divorcees.Originally posted by choco B:An distant uncle of mine was so upset that his daughter married a divorcee 15 years her senior that he refused to invite relatives to the wedding dinner, keeping it to close family only. He was ashamed of their union.
With the rise of divorces here, it's time people get used to the ideas of divorcees, remarriages and step-families. Going by demographics and trends, it's simply unrealistic to recognise the Family unit as strictly the traditional first-marriage father-mother-children structure.
My point was, that people make mistakes, people and circumstances and partners change. Nobody gets married with divorce in mind. Sometimes, it's not even one's choice but the ex-spouse's choice. Sometimes, the circumstances under which a couple got together wasn't 'solid' and the foundation was shaky in the first place so if you don't have strong pillars, it's just a matter of time before the roof collapses in on you and then, it'll be a matter of putting an early end to a bad mistake.
Too many reasons why divorce happens and sometimes, you really can't blame anyone. 
Remember Maya, that Singapore Idol Finalist? She was 'different'. She was a single mom at what... 21 years old? She proudly claimed that it was a 'planned pregnancy'. She works hard to support herself and her toddler now.
Did you hear the comments people have made about her? Some called her a 'loose woman', 'so hiao at such a young age', and other non-flattering comments. We go around imposing our own value systems and moral values on others at times and forget that each of us have the freedom of choice and as long as one takes responsibility for the consequences of one's actions and decisions, it's really not our place to judge harshly. True, we might never live our lives the way Maya chooses to, we might even not dress the way she does, behave the way she does, etc. but that's her life and it's her choices and she's bravely supporting herself and her son without begging for public pity nor govt handouts, which in itself, is admirable.
So, whilst I might not agree with her lifestyle and choices, I have to respect her for her dignity.
We need to live and let live. Just because someone doesn't fall into our mould and expectations, it doesn't mean that they're any lesser.
Think of it this way, wouldn't it be better to extend a hand to help in whatever way we could, to those who are reaching out for help, than to slam the door in their faces, and force them to make drastic decisions like ... God forbid! suicide?
The Government does need to stop trying to compartmentalise us into neat little boxes, but this change in mindset has to start with you and me. -
I too am ashame of many things... top of the list... being a citizen of a country where money rules supreme...
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Originally posted by ilovemyrolex:I too am ashame of many things... top of the list... being a citizen of a country where money rules supreme...
For me, everyday, I'm ashamed of belonging to a country where its citizens are notorious in other regional countries for being arrogant, impatient, quick-to-complain, greedy and inconsiderate.
Not ALL Singaporeans are like that though. There are those who have done our nation proud with their volunteer work, generosity and helpfulness too!
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Gay rights!!
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I am ashamed to belong to a nation where we have become pigeons and told to fly one single way since young.Originally posted by Rhonda:
For me, everyday, I'm ashamed of belonging to a country where its citizens are notorious in other regional countries for being arrogant, impatient, quick-to-complain, greedy and inconsiderate.
Not ALL Singaporeans are like that though. There are those who have done our nation proud with their volunteer work, generosity and helpfulness too! -
Hmm... your comment reminds me of something I used to say to my friends, 'I feel like I live in a pigeon hole... I feel so trapped and claustrophobic!'Originally posted by LazerLordz:I am ashamed to belong to a nation where we have become pigeons and told to fly one single way since young.
Well, wide open spaces and to have the chance to live 'Far from the Madding Crowd' is still one of my BIG motivation and current r'aison d'etre! -
The definition of families is changing globally. What constitutes a family is hotly debated. There are blended families whereby spouses bring into their union children from previous marriages. Some families raise children who are not biologically realated to both parents. The introduction of the civil union legislation provides for gay and lesbian couples to exercise their rights, formalising their partnership and be acknowledged by the law. Two parent families, the framework for the traditional nuclear family is another model of families. The US and New Zealand are developed countries with the world's highest rates of sole parent. To single out a particular family group i.e. solo parent families and treat them differently from other family groups is discriminatory. Solo parenting is not political football. I take off my hat for the principal care giver primarily women in nuturing their fatherless children to adulthood. If we are to apportion blame, we must ask whether fathers of these children are assuming responsibility for the nuture and financial support of their offsprings. Any sort of moral outrage by society towards solo parenting is unhelpful.
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Kym, I could never put it better myself. You're very eloquent.Originally posted by kym:The definition of families is changing globally. What constitutes a family is hotly debated. There are blended families whereby spouses bring into their union children from previous marriages. Some families raise children who are not biologically realated to both parents. The introduction of the civil union legislation provides for gay and lesbian couples to exercise their rights, formalising their partnership and be acknowledged by the law. Two parent families, the framework for the traditional nuclear family is another model of families. The US and New Zealand are developed countries with the world's highest rates of sole parent. To single out a particular family group i.e. solo parent families and treat them differently from other family groups is discriminatory. Solo parenting is not political football. I take off my hat for the principal care giver primarily women in nuturing their fatherless children to adulthood. If we are to apportion blame, we must ask whether fathers of these children are assuming responsibility for the nuture and financial support of their offsprings. Any sort of moral outrage by society towards solo parenting is unhelpful. (I know 'eloquent' is not supposed to be used for the written word but in here, aren't our posts our 'voice' too? 
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I guess here, we have a government and society that forces and expects you to conform to the norm. Anything that falls 'on the wayside' is quickly put to shame, ostracised, criticised, with manoevres being planned to heap guilt and blame on those who dare to walk 'out of line'.
We are slowly seeing changes here though. Sometimes, I feel a wave of pessimism wash over me as I observe the situation around me because we are still sorely lacking in the 'live and let live' mentality in general. However, it is encouraging to see that more and more individuals are being enlightened and are brave enough to step out of the shackles we've grown up with.
It's not easy to break out of a mould that you've been placed in right from the start when you're in school. However, slowly but surely, we'll get there. -
Rhonda, I know what you mean. My relatives think (they put it tactfully but I didn't miss the barb) that it is shameful that I cannot get a chinese husband
and that they feel I'm marrying down for some weird out-of-the-world reasoning mainly due to biases and stereotypes.
For some reason they keep thinking my hubby is a road sweeper or car washer or something when he holds a professional job and international license to practice his trade anywhere in the world
And you know me, I told my parents to put it across to them, nicely or I'll do it myself, which won't be nice (I'll go in with a bazooka) that they accept him which really isn't their biz since my parents love him or I'll just sever all ties with them (Ok I didn't say that to my mum but she knows I'll do that). -
Y'know, it's going to be real hard for the earlier generations to understand stuff like that because they grew up with these prejudices deeply entrenched into them. It was not until recent years that we became more open-minded and well, whilst you can try to persuade and convince them to become likewise, it really isn't something that they're remotely used to. The entire concept is too new and alien to them.Originally posted by elindra:Rhonda, I know what you mean. My relatives think (they put it tactfully but I didn't miss the barb) that it is shameful that I cannot get a chinese husband and that they feel I'm marrying down for some weird out-of-the-world reasoning mainly due to biases and stereotypes.
For some reason they keep thinking my hubby is a road sweeper or car washer or something when he holds a professional job and international license to practice his trade anywhere in the world
And you know me, I told my parents to put it across to them, nicely or I'll do it myself, which won't be nice (I'll go in with a bazooka) that they accept him which really isn't their biz since my parents love him or I'll just sever all ties with them (Ok I didn't say that to my mum but she knows I'll do that).
It doesn't matter what they think though... ultimately, if you're happy, their opinions fade to the background! -
=.=uuu wus wrong with single parents. bunch of siao char bor da poh..
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Yeah I know what you mean but their thinking is really for the birdsOriginally posted by Rhonda:Y'know, it's going to be real hard for the earlier generations to understand stuff like that because they grew up with these prejudices deeply entrenched into them. It was not until recent years that we became more open-minded and well, whilst you can try to persuade and convince them to become likewise, it really isn't something that they're remotely used to. The entire concept is too new and alien to them.
It doesn't matter what they think though... ultimately, if you're happy, their opinions fade to the background!
I mean seriously no guy is good enough unless he is a Singaporean Chinese Professional who is Teochew....it is not good enough if he is Singaporean Chinese and a professional only -
Originally posted by elindra:Yeah I know what you mean but their thinking is really for the birds
I mean seriously no guy is good enough unless he is a Singaporean Chinese Professional who is Teochew....it is not good enough if he is Singaporean Chinese and a professional only -
Did you just read the keywords in the first few paragraphs of the first post in here and then skip all the following posts and come to your own funny conclusion?Originally posted by Ito_^:=.=uuu wus wrong with single parents. bunch of siao char bor da poh..
If you don't even take the time to read and ponder and reflect on issues using what's in your cranial cavity, please don't bother even posting your lame remarks here.
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It is sad that because of such discrimination my friend ,who is a homosexual, have been lying vehemently to other people about his sexual orientation....
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Yes I did.Originally posted by Rhonda:Did you just read the keywords in the first few paragraphs of the first post in here and then skip all the following posts and come to your own funny conclusion?
If you don't even take the time to read and ponder and reflect on issues using what's in your cranial cavity, please don't bother even posting your lame remarks here.
If you don't like what my conclusion and remarks are, don't read.
My conclusion are the same, not happy is it?
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Sometimes, homosexuals make the best friends. They've been subject to so much criticism, scrutiny, and perhaps even hatred, and they have been left out of the 'mainstream' for so long, that quite a few of them develop an empathy that others don't possess.Originally posted by shade343:It is sad that because of such discrimination my friend ,who is a homosexual, have been lying vehemently to other people about his sexual orientation....
There's increasing research evidence to suggest that perhaps, people who tend to lean towards homosexuality don't really have much of a choice in this matter because somehow, biologically, they're kinda 'wired' that way. No conclusive study as yet though. -
Don't post in here.Originally posted by Ito_^:Yes I did.
If you don't like what my conclusion and remarks are, don't read.
My conclusion are the same, not happy is it?
Don't ask me not to read - this is my forum and naturally, I read the posts in here.
Or, is that simple concept sooo beyond your limited grasp? -
My parents are ashamed of me seeing a guy of another race, and they don't tell people. We are in a long term relationship of more than 2 years, and she still tells me to go to SDU outings. We are getting married soon for chrissakes.
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Okay fine, I apologize, you are god. I shall not post in here.Originally posted by Rhonda:Don't post in here.
Don't ask me not to read - this is my forum and naturally, I read the posts in here.
Or, is that simple concept sooo beyond your limited grasp? -
Gosh foxyOriginally posted by foxwalk:My parents are ashamed of me seeing a guy of another race, and they don't tell people. We are in a long term relationship of more than 2 years, and she still tells me to go to SDU outings. We are getting married soon for chrissakes.
I know how you feel though you do have it worse since it is your parents
Well, they will see your point when they see you happy