To love ... is to obey
-
Taken from TODAY online 28 June 2005
I Say: To love ... is to obey
Frances Ong Hock Lin
Seventeen years ago, my unhappy father walked me down the aisle in a Katong church. He was about to hand over his daughter to a man who eagerly grabbed her arms, as if to make sure the bride would be given away.
My father left midway through the ceremony — to drown his sorrows at the famous Marine Parade Satay Stall.
But it was my grandfather who had the greatest impact on our marriage.
He told me that people used to marry to fall in love, but that people now fall in love to get married. He saw marriages going up in smoke after the initial passions burned out. He believed that a wedding is only a day, but a marriage is a lifetime.
He was match-made to my grandmother, a great cook, and he surmised that she would support him in whatever he did. I have never seen them quarrel.
From her, I learned how to make a husband happy. She saved the best meat for him, and would eat only when he was at the dinner table. Even after slaving the whole day over a hot stove, she would be bathed and powdered when he returned from work. And his slippers and a glass of water were always there to welcome him.
My grandfather, who knew I was an outspoken and stubborn child, worried that having a university education might make it difficult for me to submit to my husband.
Growing up in the 1970s, with women fighting for equal rights, I was at first shocked by what he advocated. I fought a good fight at university, debating with my male tutorial mates.
At work, I do not believe in the glass ceiling for women, and do not see myself as weaker then men.
But it was in the home context that I realised my grandfather's foresight and wisdom.
A marriage is not an equal partnership, where a couple are looking constantly to ensure that everything is divided 50-50. That makes us calculative and mean, and reduces the marriage to a conditional clause: As long as he lives up to his end of the bargain, so will I.
Instead of looking for the right person to be our spouse, we have to be the right person for them. We have to give 110 per cent without any conditions or strings attached to the marriage contract — which, hopefully, we enter into with our eyes open.
The marriage vow basically says that even if a husband turns out to be a scumbag or a couch potato who cares more for Man U than for his mother-in-law, we still have to accept him.
My husband and I have demanding careers, but when we come home, I give him a sponge bath even if I am tired. I prepare supper, and yes, I do peel prawns for him. I do so without asking for anything in return.
He is the head of the household. When it comes to any major decision, his vote counts for 60 per cent, and mine for 40 per cent. My grandfather was right. This is difficult. I find it challenging to submit to my husband.
But I discovered that once I learned to obey him, it gave him a greater sense of responsibility, of wanting to take care of the family even more. In addition, when my children see that I obey him, they learn to obey him and respect him as a father.
Being the heart of the family, my role is to complement, and not to compete with, his. I never challenge his views in front of others, which would make him feel small, insignificant and disrespected. We try not to fight or quarrel in front of the children.
Yes, we have thought of walking out of this marriage many times, but then we remembered that we started out with the belief that divorce was not an option.
We will continue to fight, and our marriage will be a rollercoaster ride. Given a chance, would I walk down the aisle again to the same man? Yes, I would, but this time I would obey him the minute he married me.
The writer, an educator, celebrated her 17th wedding anniversary this month.
Just wondering what you guys thought of this post. My dad made me read this article this morning because he knew how headstrong I am in a relationship, and yes, I expect an equal partnership.
I'll write my views tomorrow since I'm not in the right frame of mind currently - too tired. Anyway I wonder if she wrote this to substantiate the fact that this is the correct way to behave in a marriage, to save her marriage. -
to obey.. yes.. but always, there is a caveat
sometimes to love is not to obey.. but to do the right thing...
mostly, to love... is to give of yourself totally.. to be your spouse's strength when she cannot go on by herself.. to accept a helping hand when your spouse offers hers...
to be there...
not for anything but because you want to... and would do it because of her -
Yeah with a caveat coz it didn't sound like there was one. Some issues are pretty much tied in with mutual respect.Originally posted by the Bear:to obey.. yes.. but always, there is a caveat
sometimes to love is not to obey.. but to do the right thing...
mostly, to love... is to give of yourself totally.. to be your spouse's strength when she cannot go on by herself.. to accept a helping hand when your spouse offers hers...
to be there...
not for anything but because you want to... and would do it because of her
Anyhow, I was telling Rhonda that it sounded like if the guy walked towards a deep pit, she will just follow him in there without stopping him
-
Admittedly, as a man (from the last time i checked) reading this, i felt slightly wierd. I instantly knew why, and that's because what the author wrote seems unrealistic in today's world.
Then i felt even more wierd, when i remember a couple of my (ex) gfs (i've never married so this could be a biased judgement) were exactly or close to, what the author wrote, especially the peel prawns part!!
I'll be honest. I prob wouldn't accept someone who would say, if you keep ur end of the bargain, so will i. simply becos, i'm not in this as a "transaction". as a woman, u wouldn't want ur man to say that too. this is "gender independant", no one wants to see a reln as a transaction (i hope!)
it is true that when i have someone "waiting at home for me" that i feel a greater sense of responsibility.
i remember staying with my her, and she would always be home when i got home, simply becos i worked till very late. i was in the F&B industry and often, my colleagues and i would go out for drinks after work, becos it was the thing to do. but this was before i was attached. after that, it really baffled me, that a year into the reln, the amt of times i would agree to go out with my colleagues after work late at nite was countable on one hand!
some might say "zhong se qing you" and i might not rebutt them, but to say, this is naturally wat'd i do, i can't help it. it wasn't till a year into the reln that i actually REALISED that i would subconsciously "rush" home as soon as i finished work, becos i knew she was waiting for me. even if i were to rush home to see her asleep.
as for obedience, well, i dun think, or rather, i hope i'm not, a bf/hubby that likes to give "instruction". being adults, like bear mentioned, we know how to do the right thing. of course there will be disagreements and discussion and compromise is necessary. while i don't think that in a stalemate, the man's opinion should always "win", i do, in a way, understand what she meant by giving in to the man of the house. especially when she mentioned she was there to complement, not to compete.
i dunno why it's like that. perhaps it's traditionalism, perhaps it's just being "animalistic"; males always ruled. hunters and gatherers. perhaps since i put food on the table, u bring warmth and care to the family.
all i know is that, i believe that my partners never resented that i was "the man" and i FURTHER believe that i have always wanted to be "the man" that my partner so trusts and admires.
damn.. did i even stay in point?
-
Originally posted by elindra:
of course u have to give 110% but it should work both ways.ur husband should also do his best.
Taken from TODAY online 28 June 2005
[b]I Say: To love ... is to obey
Frances Ong Hock Lin
Instead of looking for the right person to be our spouse, we have to be the right person for them. We have to give 110 per cent without any conditions or strings attached to the marriage contract — which, hopefully, we enter into with our eyes open.
if my future hubby wants someone to obey his every command then he can get a maid. -
oh and in my family the wife is usually the head of the household
-
Originally posted by elindra:
Thanks, elindra, for sharing such an interesting article with us
Taken from TODAY online 28 June 2005
[b]I Say: To love ... is to obey
Frances Ong Hock Lin
...But it was my grandfather who had the greatest impact on our marriage.
He told me that people used to marry to fall in love, but that people now fall in love to get married. He saw marriages going up in smoke after the initial passions burned out. He believed that a wedding is only a day, but a marriage is a lifetime.
... A marriage is not an equal partnership, where a couple are looking constantly to ensure that everything is divided 50-50. That makes us calculative and mean, and reduces the marriage to a conditional clause: As long as he lives up to his end of the bargain, so will I.
Instead of looking for the right person to be our spouse, we have to be the right person for them. We have to give 110 per cent without any conditions or strings attached to the marriage contract — which, hopefully, we enter into with our eyes open.
...But I discovered that once I learned to obey him, it gave him a greater sense of responsibility, of wanting to take care of the family even more. In addition, when my children see that I obey him, they learn to obey him and respect him as a father.
The words that made the greatest impact on me, I've copied above
That grandfather sure was a wise man - in the olden days, marriages seldom broke up because expectations were lower (ya lah, and maybe some wanted to save face by not divorcing). Instead of lamenting that the person they married wasn't the right one for them afterall, by each partner striving to be the 'right person' to each other, many marriages may be saved that way. It's difficult, but it can be done! I believe that submission to each other (in reasonable terms, lah!) is hard at times, but it can lead to a happier family life in the long run! -
A marriage is not about who obeyin who. But respecting each other's role in the union.
Decision making. Not all can make decisions. Looking back in, of my past relationships, only one knows how to make decisions. The others, don't bother. Either they make lousier decisions than I do, or they just have no idea what the term "make a decision" means.
If one feels that the wife making a decision is "not good" for the marriage, but the husband isn't good at making decisions, what are you going to do? Like elindra mentioned, are you going to watch him fall into a pit and follow him in? What a wife could do, if she doesn want to appear as the one making the decisions, is to offer suggestions, and responses to "guide" the husband into making the right decision
hmmm.... Conclusion: decisions are best made when both parties agree. In my case, Nel would be the one making the decisions, and before we do anything, he would seek my opinions. (not that there's anything I'd wanna change, but as a form of respect)
hmm... think... i went a bit OOP -
Originally posted by kikq:if my future hubby wants someone to obey his every command then he can get a maid.
x2 -
It's easier said that done. Sometimes, blind obedience leads to disaster.
-
I doubt her claim of unconditional sacrifice and submission.
First she declares she does X Y Z without expecting anything in return.
Then she says what she did has (miraculously!! ) made him give more to the family.
Maybe she's not aware, but what's happening in her marriage IS a trade already. She just doesn't (want to) recognise it.
Would she be singing the same song if he DIDN'T contribute equally or more than she did?
Personally, this is all fair weather marriage talk. Wait till a woman's stuck with an abusive husband, or a drunk bum, then let's hear her views about unconditional submission & love.Originally posted by elindra:Taken from TODAY online 28 June 2005
I Say: To love ... is to obey
Frances Ong Hock Lin
My husband and I have demanding careers, but when we come home, I give him a sponge bath even if I am tired. I prepare supper, and yes, I do peel prawns for him. I do so without asking for anything in return.
He is the head of the household. When it comes to any major decision, his vote counts for 60 per cent, and mine for 40 per cent. My grandfather was right. This is difficult. I find it challenging to submit to my husband.
But I discovered that once I learned to obey him, it gave him a greater sense of responsibility, of wanting to take care of the family even more. In addition, when my children see that I obey him, they learn to obey him and respect him as a father. -
That's where blind obedience leads to disaster.Originally posted by choco B:I doubt her claim of unconditional sacrifice and submission.
First she declares she does X Y Z without expecting anything in return.
Then she says what she did has (miraculously!! ) made him give more to the family.
Would she be singing the same song if he DIDN'T contribute equally or more than she did?
Personally, this is all fair weather marriage talk. Wait till a woman's stuck with an abusive husband, or a drunk bum, then let's hear her views about unconditional submission & love. -
eh, would that happen to me anot?Originally posted by Nelstar:That's where blind obedience leads to disaster.
i seem to be obeying u blindly wor -
I beg to differ, sometimes, I'm too easygoing and listening to you than speaking out on any issues.Originally posted by shinta:eh, would that happen to me anot?
i seem to be obeying u blindly wor -
can someone please on the heater.. sibey cold here leh
-
Originally posted by Nelstar:I beg to differ, sometimes, I'm too easygoing and listening to you than speaking out on any issues.
izzit?
but... i got listen to u oso lei -
why sibei cold?Originally posted by foga:can someone please on the heater.. sibey cold here leh
-
fog-shao never warm u up ah?Originally posted by foga:can someone please on the heater.. sibey cold here leh -
Lol something in me rebelled when I read this article. I guess I am a stubborn person in nature, and I have a lot of pride in me. So it is not easy for me to be submissive to anyone (ai ai knows this so he always ended up giving in to me, tho I know it is hard on him as well). I guess there is a limit to how much I can obey and follow, I mean one has to be rational as well. Cannot just follow blindly without knowing where you are being led, even if the one leading is your husband. Not to say I won't trust my future hubby, just that sometimes human beings are not perfect and they tend to make mistakes. So I think it is the wife's job to point out if they are not heading the right way, instead of just nodding and following blindly without questioning.
And yea it does make me think of a certain article posted by a certain someone, who caused everyone to lash out at him at that time Esp the peel prawns part -
peeling prawns is ok... esp when it's just a shun bian thing
-
Originally posted by Nelstar:fog-shao never warm u up ah?
-
He should buy prawn noodles with peeled prawn and marry the prawn noodle auntie.Originally posted by rainee:Lol something in me rebelled when I read this article. I guess I am a stubborn person in nature, and I have a lot of pride in me. So it is not easy for me to be submissive to anyone (ai ai knows this so he always ended up giving in to me, tho I know it is hard on him as well). I guess there is a limit to how much I can obey and follow, I mean one has to be rational as well. Cannot just follow blindly without knowing where you are being led, even if the one leading is your husband. Not to say I won't trust my future hubby, just that sometimes human beings are not perfect and they tend to make mistakes. So I think it is the wife's job to point out if they are not heading the right way, instead of just nodding and following blindly without questioning.
And yea it does make me think of a certain article posted by a certain someone, who caused everyone to lash out at him at that time Esp the peel prawns part -
To love ... is to obey
but does anyone really obey?
to me.. to love is to love all the bad points as well -
lol I have too much pride to do that for other peopleOriginally posted by shinta:peeling prawns is ok... esp when it's just a shun bian thing -
Originally posted by Nelstar:He should buy prawn noodles with peeled prawn and marry the prawn noodle auntie.
I don't wanna be a prawn noodle auntie.. maybe i shouldn peel any prawns for u