Is there justice in marriage?
-
Seems that there are lots of interesting articles on marriage in TODAY newspaper
This one is from:
TODAYonline, Voices, Friday July 1, 2005
Is there justice in marriage?
By Karen T
I'VE just been through a crisis in my 13-year-old marriage.
A month ago, my husband, the only man in my life for the past 15 years, the father of my four lovely children, dropped a bomb on me.
He told me that he had a fling with his secretary and he would be leaving his well-paid job so as to end the episode.
Have I been a submissive wife? I would say, "Yes".
Perhaps, he might say, "No". My occasional tantrums might have put him off, but he has chosen to ignore the fact that I've been stressed by the hectic routine at home.
I had wished for a husband who would be patient, caring and most importantly, faithful to me.
Over the years I've gone through four pregnancies and given up my career. I've sacrificed sleep and leisure, meals and rest, to cope with the demanding schedules of my three schoolgoing children and an energetic toddler.
We have never even had a decent holiday — every vacation was spent visiting his parents and relatives in Malaysia.
My husband is a man of few words; he doesn't seem keen to engage in conversation with me.
No matter how tough my day, he has never given me a pat on my back or whispered "sweet nothings" to comfort me.
I'm not a superwoman. There were times when I broke down and cried for attention. Instead of silencing me with a reassuring hug, he rained punches on me and even strangled me!
He does not want to hear anything that might upset him — if I had to cry, I was expected to cry alone because he would never understand why I should feel hurt.
I've accepted him the way he is — even when my heart has been bleeding for over a decade.
Where's the respect? Is there equality in marriage? If only one spouse is working on it, we can't take for granted that the "receiving" spouse will reciprocate the effort.
In my case, my husband was so absorbed with his secretary, that he didn't see my devotion and sacrifices for the family.
He looked distracted when he was with us, came home later after work, showed little enthusiasm for birthday celebrations. I was the one organising every activity to keep the family together.
A man might think that he has done a great duty for the family by bringing home the bread and butter.
When he comes home after work, he expects the wife to be more than just the children's mother. He wants the wife to also provide him with gentle loving care.
My husband has obviously missed the fact that I'm already dead tired after a long day with the children, having driven eight to 10 trips in the car, feeding and changing the baby up to six times a day.
Don't I also wish he could come back to offer me some warmth and passion?
We could discuss ways to rekindle our romance, but it's usually tough. Either both of us are too tired and mentally stressed, or, there's always interference from one of our children.
Even in bed, we're "separated" by at least one child sleeping between us.
I had relied on our marriage vow that, even though the relationship might dull, we'd remain faithful to each other. And on the hope that tomorrow might get better.
I consoled myself by trusting that the man I married would be happy that I was totally independent and efficient at running the household alone, so that he could devote his entire time, energy and concentration to his work.
I never expected that he would abuse my trust and spend his time, energy and money on another woman instead.
Worst of all, he thinks he has the right to decide how he wants to spend his time.
He knows what he's doing is morally wrong, but he simply can't resist the temptation.
What shall I do? I've had to battle bitterness in silence, while learning to forgive him. If I kick up a fuss, I might upset him so much that he would be consumed with anger.
I have to be magnanimous, yes, very magnanimous — otherwise, the marriage will be over, and that doesn't mean it would be better for us and it definitely would not be for the kids.
There is no justice, but should we talk about justice in a marriage?
Can I leave him? I can't. For the sake of my four young children. We depend on him for a living.
I have to focus on moving forward. To give my children a healthy family life, I have to forgive my unfaithful husband, whether he's worthy of the forgiveness or not; and I have to continue to work on improving our relationship, whether he's worth the effort or not.
I've also been advised not to hate the other woman Â… so I had to remind myself to thank her. Why? She has given me a wake-up call, otherwise, I would still be living in my own dreams for the future.
Now that I know what my husband needs, I have to work on my role as a wife. Hopefully, from now on, we can live happily ever after.
Well, I can only say I admire her quiet strength and courage after all she has gone through and still try to find the silver lining in the dark clouds.
Again, I'll write my comments tomorrow as I'm feeling so brain dead right now
-
Men
-
communication break down.
what is justice? Is there justice in everything?
-
don't tar all men with the same brush...
there have been women who have done the same thing...
as for justice, sometimes, justice is a gentle and forgiving hand... -
the womens' charter.
-
Just three or four days ago, I received a PM from a 33-year old man, telling me that he's married with a child but misses the active social life he used to lead. He asked if I'd be interested in a purely physical relationship with him as he's a businessman who works mostly at night and so would be free in the daytime to meet me.
Spooked me! I mean, he didn't even bother to hide the fact that he was married with a child! He just blatantly declared it as if to absolve himself of all responsibilities should an affair come to fruition when one of the ladies he PM'd were to take up his offer! That was his 'exit' out of responsibility because when his mistress starts raising hell for him, he'd declare matter-of-factly, 'Hey! You knew right from the start that I was married with a child! I never hid that fact from you!' I can just picture that scene in my mind like one of those melodramatic TV dramas on Channel 8!
It used to be that if one had an extramarital affair, the person and his/her lover would be shamed and there would be a stigma attached to them because the people around them would gossip and frown upon them.
These days, sadly, it's becoming so common that most of us no longer bat an eyelid when we realise that someone we know is getting a divorce because his / her spouse had cheated on them.
There seems to be lesser guilt involved these days. An erosion of values? Judging from the ravines and gorges that you see in quite a few modern-day marriages, I'd say yes. There's definitely more of the 'I, me, myself' self-serving mentality and less of the 'I'll not do it because I love my wife and child and do not wish to hurt them' stance. Responsibility and commitment, sorry, let me have my fun with this exciting person first.
Let's not talk about marriage... dating itself has a different code of ethics these days and call me conservative or old-fashioned but it scares me speechless at times. It used to be that if a guy liked you, you'd know because it would be darn obvious. These days, a guy may genuinely be attracted to you, or he might just treat you like a sister / buddy / companion in boring times / 'friend' only and you wouldn't really be able to tell. The lines have been blurred to a large extent, values that used to be upheld have been relaxed and even eradicated. You can now go out with a member of the opposite sex, be totally and unrestrainedly touchy-feely, flirt with no holds barred, 'act' like you're a couple and successfully deceive all who meet you both, but then, you're both just having your fun and enjoying each other's company and c'est tout (that's all).
Sure, that's 'fun', we should all 'relax' and 'take things easy' and not be so 'uptight', 'don't be a prude', yada-yada... but I'm not so sure that this is a good direction that we're heading towards. We've become so permissive that we've made a lot of excuses for not upholding a lot of good ol' values that we take a lot of things lightly these days. And that's when things will start to slide. Some things should still be accorded the importance and gravity that they deserve.
Suffice to say that I look back at the men I've dated and the two that I almost married, and I can't help but shudder. Sure, there were those good men that have 'gotten away'
but they were the exceptions rather than the rule.
Ask me again why I'm single! Like I patiently told grandma AGAIN just two weeks ago, 'Ah ma! In a changed world where men and women can lie, cheat, steal, commit adultery, etc without batting an eyelid, why would you want me to put my trust in just any man so hurriedly?' Ah ma could only sigh and mumble that 'Indeed, we live in a different world now. But may the gods 'por pi' and let my good granddaughter find a good man!' (And then, grandma HAD to shatter this almost golden moment by adding, 'Afterall, my nana may be plump lah, but still quite bwee-swee one! But she's really a nice person!' (OK, my ah ma doesn't know the b!tch that I am at times but ssssshhhhh!!! :lol
I jestfully told grandma, 'Ah ma! Di gong way buay hiao di si teng! Diam diam gong wa bwee!' (translation : 'Ah ma! When you talk, you don't know when you should stop! Always saying that I'm fat!' )
Ah well, her gods had better do an immaculate job of sieving the wheat from the chaff because I have zero tolerance when it comes to infidelity.
-
you can always opt for an alternative lifestyle...Originally posted by Ferret:Men -
Wooooooooooooo~ scandalous... i like.
-
Haix....in the end, everything still boils down to Karma.
-
I got a friend that kenna such thing oso. The guy is supposedly ROM but haven go thru the ceremonial yet.. he chased my fren and said things like after meeting her, he realised that he doesn't love his wife, want to get a divorce, etc... and the worse part is that my fren believes him. sigh..
think he is just trying to create an escape clause for himself... -
i'm sure it's clear that this man is a bastard.
i'm more interested in what options she has now.
i guess it's a matter of thinking macro (cultures have changed, men do such things to women as if they weren't in the wrong, adultery and infidelity is not that great a sin anymore... etc) or we could think MICRO - how do we help a woman in such a position.
the author is probably a stranger to us. but if it happens to a close friend or relative of us, saying all men are bastards (and all the other details proving that) isn't gonna help her. how would u help her? what should/could she do? dun forget her reason for not giving up is partly her strong character, but GREATLY, becos of her kids. 4 of them, and still young.
i dun have an answer, but that's what i'll be thinking about. -
oh.. might i also mention.. if we had a MALE friend like that, saying he's a bastard in his face also will NOT change him. so how do we help our male frens who are like that (if any) change for the better?
i think these are the issues we should think about? altho culture and society is important to us, we shouldn't think about what "all men, or all women" are like, when all we need is "one man, one woman" and or course our network of close friends and loved ones.
in a way, who cares what the world is like, when my loved ones love me and i love them back?
pls take that last stmt with a pinch of salt.
-
there're some things i can tolerate
but infidelity's definitely NOT one of them... -
is he someone we know?Originally posted by Rhonda:Just three or four days ago, I received a PM from a 33-year old man, telling me that he's married with a child but misses the active social life he used to lead. He asked if I'd be interested in a purely physical relationship with him as he's a businessman who works mostly at night and so would be free in the daytime to meet me.
Spooked me! I mean, he didn't even bother to hide the fact that he was married with a child! He just blatantly declared it as if to absolve himself of all responsibilities should an affair come to fruition when one of the ladies he PM'd were to take up his offer! That was his 'exit' out of responsibility because when his mistress starts raising hell for him, he'd declare matter-of-factly, 'Hey! You knew right from the start that I was married with a child! I never hid that fact from you!' I can just picture that scene in my mind like one of those melodramatic TV dramas on Channel 8!
It used to be that if one had an extramarital affair, the person and his/her lover would be shamed and there would be a stigma attached to them because the people around them would gossip and frown upon them.
These days, sadly, it's becoming so common that most of us no longer bat an eyelid when we realise that someone we know is getting a divorce because his / her spouse had cheated on them.
There seems to be lesser guilt involved these days. An erosion of values? Judging from the ravines and gorges that you see in quite a few modern-day marriages, I'd say yes. There's definitely more of the 'I, me, myself' self-serving mentality and less of the 'I'll not do it because I love my wife and child and do not wish to hurt them' stance. Responsibility and commitment, sorry, let me have my fun with this exciting person first.
Let's not talk about marriage... dating itself has a different code of ethics these days and call me conservative or old-fashioned but it scares me speechless at times. It used to be that if a guy liked you, you'd know because it would be darn obvious. These days, a guy may genuinely be attracted to you, or he might just treat you like a sister / buddy / companion in boring times / 'friend' only and you wouldn't really be able to tell. The lines have been blurred to a large extent, values that used to be upheld have been relaxed and even eradicated. You can now go out with a member of the opposite sex, be totally and unrestrainedly touchy-feely, flirt with no holds barred, 'act' like you're a couple and successfully deceive all who meet you both, but then, you're both just having your fun and enjoying each other's company and c'est tout (that's all).
Sure, that's 'fun', we should all 'relax' and 'take things easy' and not be so 'uptight', 'don't be a prude', yada-yada... but I'm not so sure that this is a good direction that we're heading towards. We've become so permissive that we've made a lot of excuses for not upholding a lot of good ol' values that we take a lot of things lightly these days. And that's when things will start to slide. Some things should still be accorded the importance and gravity that they deserve.
Suffice to say that I look back at the men I've dated and the two that I almost married, and I can't help but shudder. Sure, there were those good men that have 'gotten away' but they were the exceptions rather than the rule.
Ask me again why I'm single! Like I patiently told grandma AGAIN just two weeks ago, 'Ah ma! In a changed world where men and women can lie, cheat, steal, commit adultery, etc without batting an eyelid, why would you want me to put my trust in just any man so hurriedly?' Ah ma could only sigh and mumble that 'Indeed, we live in a different world now. But may the gods 'por pi' and let my good granddaughter find a good man!' (And then, grandma HAD to shatter this almost golden moment by adding, 'Afterall, my nana may be plump lah, but still quite bwee-swee one! But she's really a nice person!' (OK, my ah ma doesn't know the b!tch that I am at times but ssssshhhhh!!! :lol I jestfully told grandma, 'Ah ma! Di gong way buay hiao di si teng! Diam diam gong wa bwee!' (translation : 'Ah ma! When you talk, you don't know when you should stop! Always saying that I'm fat!' )
Ah well, her gods had better do an immaculate job of sieving the wheat from the chaff because I have zero tolerance when it comes to infidelity. -
From what I see, there are times when a marriage may run into stormy sea...
Communication is the thing -
frankly there is just no guarantee in marriage.
anything can happen for even the most stupid reason.
after all they are just excuses. -
ever wonder why guys who play around mostly are either bosses or businessman or rich guys?
-
Nope! He does not come into sgForums to post, apparently. Have never seen his nick before.Originally posted by dragg:is he someone we know? -
u voice the opinion of MANY.Originally posted by neuros:there're some things i can tolerate
but infidelity's definitely NOT one of them...
are u female? (i ask becos it matters)
so what would u do if your husband brings home the bread, not that you can't, but becos u have 4 kids to drive around and look after all day (as detailed so eloquently in the article).
would u leave him, take the kids, and bring them up on ur own (provided you can prove his infidelity and get custody of the children after many court proceedings)? entrusting others to care for them when u have been for so many years, and going out to work to feed 5?
mind you, i'm not saying that the man in question is a good guy. he's a bastard, no doubt. wat i'm asking is to back up your statement and apply it to this real life situation. u can't tolerate infidelity (i assume under ANY circumstance), so if this happened to you, i take it you would leave him and bring up the 4 kids urself? is that the best solution? pls suggest.
i hope we can all react objectively towards the sad predicament of the author in the article. -
yes. i'm female.Originally posted by jOhO:u voice the opinion of MANY.
are u female? (i ask becos it matters)
so what would u do if your husband brings home the bread, not that you can't, but becos u have 4 kids to drive around and look after all day (as detailed so eloquently in the article).
would u leave him, take the kids, and bring them up on ur own (provided you can prove his infidelity and get custody of the children after many court proceedings)? entrusting others to care for them when u have been for so many years, and going out to work to feed 5?
mind you, i'm not saying that the man in question is a good guy. he's a bastard, no doubt. wat i'm asking is to back up your statement and apply it to this real life situation. u can't tolerate infidelity (i assume under ANY circumstance), so if this happened to you, i take it you would leave him and bring up the 4 kids urself? is that the best solution? pls suggest.
i hope we can all react objectively towards the sad predicament of the author in the article.
no one of us would really have truly expected these things to happen to us, right? which one of us goes into a relationship or marriage expecting the other party to be unfaithful? so yes, it's not fair for us to judge and perhaps say things like "she should've been more prepared for the probability of these things happening", much tempted though i am to. furthermore, since she's had 4 kids i'd have expected her to be from an older generation - one with less prevalence, or at least known prevalence, of infidelity. so yes, again, my sympathies to her and her powerless situation. much as i do not endorse her reluctant acceptance of the situation, i fully understand why she can do it.
we women of a younger generation though, should take heed from lessons like these. we see more of such things happening. we're more capable of taking care of ourselves. we should be able to protect ourselves, to a certain extent, in the eventuality of such things happening to us. if we can't protect ourselves from the emotional hurt, at least take care of ourselves on the physical, monetary front.
moral of the story - never be fully dependant on the man - always make sure you have something to fall back on.
this may sound very practical and callous but hey, we see lessons and lessons happening to us. if we do not learn from these lessons, we run the risk of becoming one.
of course, these things are easier said than done. like i said, these are things that seems to only happen to someone else. only when we ourselves become that "someone else" will we truly appreciate the hurt and devastation. i hope this never happens to anyone i know and love. -
Cant... I prefer it long and thickOriginally posted by shade343:you can always opt for an alternative lifestyle... -
i also...Originally posted by Ferret:Cant... I prefer it long and thick
JOHO~!!!!! /me throw soap and hides in bushes -
....Originally posted by kopiosatu:i also...
JOHO~!!!!! /me throw soap and hides in bushes -
Originally posted by Ferret:Cant... I prefer it long and thick
-
thanx for your response, not that it's in point!Originally posted by neuros:yes. i'm female.
no one of us would really have truly expected these things to happen to us, right? which one of us goes into a relationship or marriage expecting the other party to be unfaithful? so yes, it's not fair for us to judge and perhaps say things like "she should've been more prepared for the probability of these things happening", much tempted though i am to. furthermore, since she's had 4 kids i'd have expected her to be from an older generation - one with less prevalence, or at least known prevalence, of infidelity. so yes, again, my sympathies to her and her powerless situation. much as i do not endorse her reluctant acceptance of the situation, i fully understand why she can do it.
we women of a younger generation though, should take heed from lessons like these. we see more of such things happening. we're more capable of taking care of ourselves. we should be able to protect ourselves, to a certain extent, in the eventuality of such things happening to us. if we can't protect ourselves from the emotional hurt, at least take care of ourselves on the physical, monetary front.
moral of the story - never be fully dependant on the man - always make sure you have something to fall back on.
this may sound very practical and callous but hey, we see lessons and lessons happening to us. if we do not learn from these lessons, we run the risk of becoming one.
of course, these things are easier said than done. like i said, these are things that seems to only happen to someone else. only when we ourselves become that "someone else" will we truly appreciate the hurt and devastation. i hope this never happens to anyone i know and love. in essence, i just wanted to point out to you that sometimes it's not so easy to just say "u cheat one me, ok fine, we're done"...
so let's address what you've said. i fully understand how a woman (like yourself) wouldn't rely on her man fully becos of all these "lessons" learnt. be it fear, practicality or culture, it's a very commonsense way to safeguard urself.
however i'm quite idealistic and it's my view that while u are NOT totally reliant on ur man, you would still do so becos u love him. then again, in this day and age, as u mentioned, there are hardly any women out there that will die without their man. we are all educated, male or female and have pretty much the same opportunities. (within reason, there are still traditional companies that don't usually promote women to top levels becos they believe a woman cannot fully concentrate on her work becos of kids and family - that's another topic let's address that elsewhere)
it is a leap of faith. having already established the fact that women won't need to rely on her man for her financial and physical needs, perhaps it's the emotional reliance that is the essence of love, which you didn't mention, so i won't assume that u believe that even emotionally, women should be self-sufficient.
i bring to ur attention the risk u mentioned of being like the woman in the article (hence the need be able to not to rely on your man fully). and sorry for being concise and perhaps blunt, if you can't take this risk, then dun get married. period. are u anyway?
just being idealistic me.
ok, back to that woman in the article. since you are educated and able to work and support yourself and 4 children, would u still choose to leave the man if you were her?
ahha i dun give up do i? dun mean to corner you, since u seem vocal and definitely can express urself in good english, i thot i might request a response.
feel free to "challenge" me if u wish. lovely discussion so far.