Jokes Thread !
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An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month." -
There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil......
Just when the clock struck 11, Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner. -
A blond dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm.
She said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91.
The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back -
A bear walks into a bar and says “I want a bourbon and....a coke”, the bartender asks “what’s with the huge pause?” The bear say “I’ve had them all my life.”
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A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!" -
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." -
Like the 1st one better
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i can relate to thisOriginally posted by Ferret:A bear walks into a bar and says “I want a bourbon and....a coke”, the bartender asks “what’s with the huge pause?” The bear say “I’ve had them all my life.”
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I dont get this ?Originally posted by Ferret:A bear walks into a bar and says “I want a bourbon and....a coke”, the bartender asks “what’s with the huge pause?” The bear say “I’ve had them all my life.” -
pause sounds like paws...
Originally posted by DriftingGuy:I dont get this ? -
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,"
So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.
She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. -
Originally posted by charlene_:
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While we're on fart jokes:
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it.
She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.
Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud arse trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked Martha.
"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in." -
Man, you shoulda seen last week's Schizophrenic's Convention - anybody who was everybody was there.
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A gynaecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change.
He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it back into perfect working order. Our gynaecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited his results.
The day he received the results, he got quite a surprise -- he got 150%. He quickly phoned the instructor and asked about the high mark.
The instructor said, “No, that's right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it -- a fantastic job really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the tail pipe.” -
A MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend: "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The Engineer asks: "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute:
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, and then speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent". -
Good morning Geddy. Not too early to wear that humour hat eh?
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Three engineers are sitting around discussing what kind of engineer God must be.
The first says, "I reckon he's a mechanical engineer - look at the joints and the whole musculoskeletal system".
The second says, "Dunno about that - looking at the nervous system, I think he's an electrical or electronics engineer".
The third pipes up and says, "Civil engineer. Definitely civil engineer. Who the hell else would run a sewage pipe right through a recreational facility?". -
Never! The coffee's just started to kick in.Originally posted by littlestream:Good morning Geddy. Not too early to wear that humour hat eh? 
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The Seven Dwarfs are in Rome visiting the Vatican..... They all go up to
the Pope's door and Dopey steps forward and rings the doorbell.
The Pope answers the door and asks.... "Dopey, my son, what can I do for
you?"
Dopey asks...... "Excuse me your excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome?"
The Pope smiles and answers....... "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in
Rome." In the background, the Pope can see a few of the other dwarfs
giggling.
Dopey then asks...... "Your holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?"
The Pope looks at Dopey and answers...... "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns
in Italy." At this answer half of the other dwarfs start laughing
openly.
Dopey continues...... "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?"
The Pope, getting tired of these questions, answers.... "Dopey, there are
no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time, all of the dwarfs are
rolling on the ground laughing.
Dopey says...... "Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in ALL the world?"
The Pope, frustrated by now, says..... "Dopey, there are no friggin dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world!"
At this answer the other dwarfs start laughing, jumping up and down,
and chanting hysterically....... "Dopey shagged a penguin! ....Dopey shagged a penguin!" -
Lucky you........brand new day and the smell of coffee......oh, mornings........so refreshing.Originally posted by Gedanken:Never! The coffee's just started to kick in.
I feel like dead meat. So tired.
And there are still work to be done. Errr, I mean house chores. But good thing kitchen's closed tonight. Ordered take-out. Taking a little breather for some therapy, I guess I could find some in this thread but your jokes very cheem ley. Especially the last one. The jokes from where? Your *ahem* office ah? 
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A young blond was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blond shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blond turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blond flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" -
Hey, I know the feeling - having to work across different time zones between Melbourne and California plays merry hell with my sleep patterns.Originally posted by littlestream:Lucky you........brand new day and the smell of coffee......oh, mornings........so refreshing.
I feel like dead meat. So tired. And there are still work to be done. Errr, I mean house chores. But good thing kitchen's closed tonight. Ordered take-out. Taking a little breather for some therapy, I guess I could find some in this thread but your jokes very cheem ley. Especially the last one. The jokes from where? Your *ahem* office ah?
As for the source of the jokes, I've got a crazy Welsh mate who's retired, so he spends all his time sending me jokes.