Last Rites...
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Death isn't a very 'nice' topic. And there are Singaporeans who broach this topic with a lot of 'choi! dai kar lai see!' kinda attitude!
But death creeps up on our loved ones and on us eventually and inevitably. And I've seen it so much at work, seen so many different ways death is handled, that I think a lot of folks just don't spend enough time preparing for the eventual death of a loved one who is hospitalised and on the 'Dangerously Ill List'.
Recently, I witnessed a rare occasion when the death of a loved one was handled with such grace and dignity that my heart went out to the patient and his entire family.
They were Catholics and in the mere matter of just three to four days in the ICU, it was apparent that the patient was dying and there was nothing else we could do for him. I think the patient was in his mid-40's, relatively young.
The family streamed into the room after the docs broke the news to them to prepare for his eventual death. His mom grabbed her rosary and cross, and whilst crying, told him to listen well and good, they're all there surrounding him in love, she loves him but the good Lord wants to call him back to be with Him and that he should let go of all earthly things and the entire family will band together and take care of his wife and kids.
A heart-rending assurance from a mom. I was in there adjusting his drips and had to gulp down my own emotions. It was hard for me to fight my own tears cause I was so moved.
It's always tough for the old to send the young away on a journey towards the afterlife. 'Bai2 Fa3 Ren2 Song4 Hei1 Fa3 Ren2'
However, there was a beauty to this... this family placed their entire faith in God. Their belief in the life God promised us after death was complete and absolute. Sure, they'll all miss him upon his demise, but this deep acceptance and coming to terms with the inevitable and tackling the impending death of a loved one by assuring him, asking him to go in peace and unburden his spirit upon leaving this earth... it's really a very loving way of sending away a loved one.
We all handle our grief differently, but I think when death is knocking at the door, it's important to send away the person in peace and make his spirit 'at rest'. 'An1 Xing1 de4 Zou3 Ba4'. -
That's a beautiful way of saying goodbye to a loved one
Thanks for sharing your story with us. -
Agreed.Originally posted by SydneyLibrarian:That's a beautiful way of saying goodbye to a loved one Thanks for sharing your story with us. -
Thanks. It's not your everyday light-hearted topic, but seeing the way some folks react towards the imminent death of a loved one, I think knowing how we can mourn someone and yet provide spiritual relief and peace to the person who's standing at the threshold of death is very important.
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It's a difficult topic to come face to face with. So far, I've experienced the death of 2 grandparents, and at a rather young age when I was still quite ignorant, altho' surprisingly, I did weep a lot for a grandfather whom I thot I did not particularly like.
I am dreading the day when it's time to come face to face with the passing of those closest to me or oldest - my parents and in-laws. Is there a best way to handle it? Should we have a good cry and then try to rationalise that " it's time, so we shd expect and get over it... "? How can one prepare to handle the grief and the sense of loss that's gonna plague us?
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I too understand the grace of death... I have a few friends who passed away when I was in my schooling days. It's amazing how some are able to rise above the grief and embrace the last few important moments of life...
But sadly, grace comes not into my family, when my grandad died, with him he took the connection we had to our ancestral home and hall. All were devestated, especially me and my brother. We were the last few who remembers our dialect tongue and family values. My elder brother was in NS, he rushed back home, kowtow hard on the floor before my grandad's body. His whole forehead was covered with blood. I was shocked with grief, I punched the wall until my knuckles bled. Both of us were not used to griefing, our anger overwhelmed our sadness. -
The 'best' way to handle death, would be to allow yourself to grief, to feel sad, to feel shocked, to feel angry. Conversely, suppressing all these emotions would be the worst thing you could do.Originally posted by Wanda:It's a difficult topic to come face to face with. So far, I've experienced the death of 2 grandparents, and at a rather young age when I was still quite ignorant, altho' surprisingly, I did weep a lot for a grandfather whom I thot I did not particularly like.
I am dreading the day when it's time to come face to face with the passing of those closest to me or oldest - my parents and in-laws. Is there a best way to handle it? Should we have a good cry and then try to rationalise that " it's time, so we shd expect and get over it... "? How can one prepare to handle the grief and the sense of loss that's gonna plague us?
Don't be embarrassed to cry. It's natural to cry when you see someone you love, standing at the threshold of death. You have to grief when it's time to grief...
After grief comes the 'WHY?' questions. That's when we're trying to grapple with our own helplessness in the situation. That might lead to anger, or it might lead to acceptance. Some people stay on in a denial stage, refusing to acknowledge reality.
It's good to sit around and share good memories of the deceased shortly after their demise. That's what we should be doing in funerals and memorial services - talk about them fondly. Of course, if you've been close to the person, your loss will be deeply felt and it might take a long time to get over it but in time to come, you will slowly come to terms with it.
There will be regrets too. The 'I should have spent more time with him/her' trend of thought. You've got to forgive yourself for those 'I should have' moments. Acknowledge that under the circumstances, it might have been difficult for you to fulfil an ideal role. There might be lessons to glean from it too! Take heed of the 'I should have's and make sure that you look around you at those loved ones who are still alive and with us, and do stuff with them, spend time with them, basically, making sure that you don't take them for granted and eradicate the 'I should have's when death snatches yet another one of them away.
It's merciful when one has advanced notice of impending death. One can slowly become prepared and arrive at an acceptance. Sudden death is much harder to cope with. -
Death comes to all of us. Right now, Im even saving/planning for my own funeral.
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Hi, faithblade. Sorry to hear about your losses. Feeling angry is a natural process of grieving and for some of us, it's the only way we know of expressing our sadness over the death of a loved one.Originally posted by faithblade:I too understand the grace of death... I have a few friends who passed away when I was in my schooling days. It's amazing how some are able to rise above the grief and embrace the last few important moments of life...
But sadly, grace comes not into my family, when my grandad died, with him he took the connection we had to our ancestral home and hall. All were devestated, especially me and my brother. We were the last few who remembers our dialect tongue and family values. My elder brother was in NS, he rushed back home, kowtow hard on the floor before my grandad's body. His whole forehead was covered with blood. I was shocked with grief, I punched the wall until my knuckles bled. Both of us were not used to griefing, our anger overwhelmed our sadness.
Trust that all's well with you now. -
Yes, the best way is not to suppres the feelings, let them out and accept the fact that a beloved person has gone from us. Then a relief should come, but the grief still stays in you, you have to manage it. Death is bad for those who stay, not for those who have gone. The life continues, no matter who died.Originally posted by Rhonda:The 'best' way to handle death, would be to allow yourself to grief, to feel sad, to feel shocked, to feel angry. Conversely, suppressing all these emotions would be the worst thing you could do.
Don't be embarrassed to cry. It's natural to cry when you see someone you love, standing at the threshold of death. You have to grief when it's time to grief...
After grief comes the 'WHY?' questions. That's when we're trying to grapple with our own helplessness in the situation. That might lead to anger, or it might lead to acceptance. Some people stay on in a denial stage, refusing to acknowledge reality.
It's good to sit around and share good memories of the deceased shortly after their demise. That's what we should be doing in funerals and memorial services - talk about them fondly. Of course, if you've been close to the person, your loss will be deeply felt and it might take a long time to get over it but in time to come, you will slowly come to terms with it.
There will be regrets too. The 'I should have spent more time with him/her' trend of thought. You've got to forgive yourself for those 'I should have' moments. Acknowledge that under the circumstances, it might have been difficult for you to fulfil an ideal role. There might be lessons to glean from it too! Take heed of the 'I should have's and make sure that you look around you at those loved ones who are still alive and with us, and do stuff with them, spend time with them, basically, making sure that you don't take them for granted and eradicate the 'I should have's when death snatches yet another one of them away.
It's merciful when one has advanced notice of impending death. One can slowly become prepared and arrive at an acceptance. Sudden death is much harder to cope with.
I have lost my grandparents, I'm sure you all know the helpless and desperate feeling, that no matter how much you wish, how much you mourn, they won't come back, there is nothing to do about it. Then you pick up yourself and carry on with your life, because those who have passed away sure wouldn't be happy if seeing you suffering. The best thing you can do to commemorate them is to do the best out of your life. -
Thanks for the reminder, Rhonda.Originally posted by Rhonda:....
There will be regrets too. The 'I should have spent more time with him/her' trend of thought. You've got to forgive yourself for those 'I should have' moments. Acknowledge that under the circumstances, it might have been difficult for you to fulfil an ideal role. There might be lessons to glean from it too! Take heed of the 'I should have's and make sure that you look around you at those loved ones who are still alive and with us, and do stuff with them, spend time with them, basically, making sure that you don't take them for granted and eradicate the 'I should have's when death snatches yet another one of them away.
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Thanks Rhonda, yeah.... the griefing had stopped long time back, but me and my bro.... we still think of the old man. There's so much he has to tell us, so much to pass on. But in our foolish youth, we never made the effort to carryon his stories and legacies.
Thus, we had decided to one day, return to China, sek our ancestral hall and make things right... yeah... 2 brave men making vows and promises of honor... after lots of alcohol
A lesson I've learnt in life... it's never how you die, but how you live... and how everything else carryon with life
Cheers to all!
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Those are true and wise words, I have learnt that long time ago.Originally posted by faithblade:A lesson I've learnt in life... it's never how you die, but how you live... and how everything else carryon with life
Cheers to all!
One should live his life in a manner, that he has no regrets when dying.
What do you think? -
Do you want to leave us so soon and so young or are you saving for a huge pyramide?Originally posted by alexkusu:Death comes to all of us. Right now, Im even saving/planning for my own funeral. -
depends on how u go la..sometimes you don;t even have a chance to say goodbye to your friends and loved ones..
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Dear Rhonda,Originally posted by Rhonda:However, there was a beauty to this... this family placed their entire faith in God. Their belief in the life God promised us after death was complete and absolute. Sure, they'll all miss him upon his demise, but this deep acceptance and coming to terms with the inevitable and tackling the impending death of a loved one by assuring him, asking him to go in peace and unburden his spirit upon leaving this earth... it's really a very loving way of sending away a loved one.
We all handle our grief differently, but I think when death is knocking at the door, it's important to send away the person in peace and make his spirit 'at rest'. 'An1 Xing1 de4 Zou3 Ba4'.
Since you mentioned that the family was Catholic, let me share with everyone a small glimpse of how we Catholics are taught to see death.
Below are the lyrics to the last part of Faure's famous Requiem in Latin and in English.
Latin:
In paradisum deducant te angeli,
in tuo adventu
suscipiant te martyres,
et perducant te
in civitatem sanctam Jerusalem.
Chorus angelorum te suscipiat,
et cum Lazaro quondam paupere
aeternam habeas requiem.
English:
May the angels lead you into paradise,
may the martyrs receive you
in your coming,
and may they guide you
into the holy city, Jerusalem.
May the chorus of angels receive you
and with Lazarus once poor
may you have eternal rest.
The piece, when sung, has a very other-worldly feel to it.
regards,
siginah -
Wow, siginah, thanks so much for sharing that! It's really beautiful prose!
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I saw my classmate lying there in his No.1 uniform and sword placed in front of his casket.
It really chilled us that we are not immortal after all, as what many of us 20s might think.Our class split up after the Os, and it was kind of spooky how his passing brought us back together, after all, he was a kind soul, a good son, a great brother, a capable officer and a loyal servant of Christ.
RIP KF.