Can a guy be too nice?
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who u a clone of? sounds so familiar....Originally posted by olala:U think so?what makes u think after u had all ur Fun u shld get together wif a nice guy..
continue with ur bad boy out there
wth do u think ur r
nice guys arent there ffor u to cuddle n dump when u need em
Say ur not gonna ban me juz bcuz ur a mod
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Actually it kind of disgusts me if a guy says he is 'too nice' that is why no girl wants him. You can't help wondering how he reached this conclusion. It is as if he can't visualise himself having any other faults and he is perfect as he is.
(I mean, why don't a girl WANT me?? I'm perfect liao, no other faults... must be cos I am TOO nice to her)
And THAT in itself is a big glaring reason why the girls are not biting. Should just wake up his idea.
Inevitably, they need to see that the basic premise of relationships - Being loving does not GUARANTEE love. Being giving does not ensure being able to receive. Love is not an insurance policy where you think if you 'pay your premiums', then sure momma will look after you one. -
shro-cat, sounds good.. however, we see something which the guy himself doesn't see..
he thinks he's been terrible to the girl, but we know that he's been a complete and utter angel, was taken advantage of, been abused, yet stood by her through thick and thin...
then she leaves him for a neanderthal who treats her like crap.. and she sticks by the neanderthal like glue...
i've seen it myself...
he was too damned good and too damned nice (but he doesn't think so)
we think so...
flip the genders, and i've seen the same thing too...
sad but true.. it'll happen..
so, yes.. some people can be too nice.. so nice that people walk all over them
p.s. this is for a guy who isn't full of himself, and actually doesn't think he's too good.. and you're right, those who do think they're too good, are usually kinda crap
Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:Actually it kind of disgusts me if a guy says he is 'too nice' that is why no girl wants him. You can't help wondering how he reached this conclusion. It is as if he can't visualise himself having any other faults and he is perfect as he is.
(I mean, why don't a girl WANT me?? I'm perfect liao, no other faults... must be cos I am TOO nice to her)
And THAT in itself is a big glaring reason why the girls are not biting. Should just wake up his idea.
Inevitably, they need to see that the basic premise of relationships - Being loving does not GUARANTEE love. Being giving does not ensure being able to receive. Love is not an insurance policy where you think if you 'pay your premiums', then sure momma will look after you one. -
Is Michael Jackson bad?
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no.. he's kinda sad..Originally posted by kaobeikaobu:Is Michael Jackson bad?
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Nods.. Yup! Of course, if its coming from anyone else than the guy himself - it's acceptable.
However, again - the reason the girl is simply not attracted to him may not be that he is 'too nice', in a case like this, I also wonder about the guy's ability to be discerning about the type of girls he likes, his value system that makes him cling on to someone who obviously doesn't seem to share his values, and his inability to be decisive when there is a need to.
To be fair, I think there are both guys and girls who are like this. AND to be fair again, most of us have had such an experience before, where we get hurt by someone who care for a lot. BUT MOST of us move on, sadder but wiser. We learn from our mistakes and we grow hopefully more discerning, but not more cynical.
But if a person persists in being victimised over and over again by someone that doesn't have the inherent character to even treat him decently (regardless of whether he/she goes for a neanderthal or not), then I think it boils down to choice and not some petrarchan helpless love that renders him the tragic hero.
Hmm decided to add this in:
Of course there are real cases such as in spousal abuse case where the relationship has taken off on a psychotic tangent, and where the victim is really helpless in the face of the abuse. But I'm not talking about these.
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Petrachan tragic lover. OMG.
Heck, if they exist, many guys would be jobless.
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my definition of a nice guy is someone who is inept at taking advantage of the situation either from fear of rejection or genuine respect for the girl in certain situations.Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:Nods.. Yup! Of course, if its coming from anyone else than the guy himself - it's acceptable.
However, again - the reason the girl is simply not attracted to him may not be that he is 'too nice', in a case like this, I also wonder about the guy's ability to be discerning about the type of girls he likes, his value system that makes him cling on to someone who obviously doesn't seem to share his values, and his inability to be decisive when there is a need to.
To be fair, I think there are both guys and girls who are like this. AND to be fair again, most of us have had such an experience before, where we get hurt by someone who care for a lot. BUT MOST of us move on, sadder but wiser. We learn from our mistakes and we grow hopefully more discerning, but not more cynical.
But if a person persists in being victimised over and over again by someone that doesn't have the inherent character to even treat him decently (regardless of whether he/she goes for a neanderthal or not), then I think it boils down to choice and not some petrarchan helpless love that renders him the tragic hero.
Hmm decided to add this in:
Of course there are real cases such as in spousal abuse case where the relationship has taken off on a psychotic tangent, and where the victim is really helpless in the face of the abuse. But I'm not talking about these.
I aggree with your points here regarding not be able to deiscern the correct type of girls, but come on how many of us can seriously say yep thats the one who we will get along with and will definately like us back. isnt love supposed to be exciting and scary?
In love you either play the victum or the perpetrator lol with minor role swapping at times.
opposites attract and equals are just friends -
get a dog...theya re loyal -
To be discerning means you can at least know you do not want to be involved with someone who is emotionally abusing you, using you, dont respect you.
To know who is SUITABLE for you over a long term - that's not merely to be discerning, that's to be prophetic. Most of us just take the leap with our best bet, and hope for the best
my definition of a nice guy is someone who is inept at taking advantage of the situation either from fear of rejection or genuine respect for the girl in certain situations.
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Being hurt in a relationship is not the same as being victimised. If he is genuinely nice, then his decision to not take advantage should never be seen that he is 'missing' out on anything. The fact that the girl fails to appreciation his 'gentlemanliness' has nothing to do with the fact he is nice. It also does not mean if she fails to appreciate it, he is 'victimised' for being nice. -
the complexity of love, life and relationshipsOriginally posted by ShrodingersCat:To be discerning means you can at least know you do not want to be involved with someone who is emotionally abusing you, using you, dont respect you.
To know who is SUITABLE for you over a long term - that's not merely to be discerning, that's to be prophetic. Most of us just take the leap with our best bet, and hope for the best
Being hurt in a relationship is not the same as being victimised. If he is genuinely nice, then his decision to not take advantage should never be seen that he is 'missing' out on anything. The fact that the girl fails to appreciation his 'gentlemanliness' has nothing to do with the fact he is nice. It also does not mean if she fails to appreciate it, he is 'victimised' for being nice.
well the ability to "discerne" is always easy in hindsight and from an outside perspective. I am sure you have seen relationships where it makes you cringe at how couples talk to each other, and it usually the "nice" person being talked to in such a way.
I dont understand what you mean if she fails to appreciate his gentlemanliness has nothing to do with him being nice. what then is nice in your books, if a man who is "gentlemanliness" to a woman is not nice?
such high standards -
When the thread started.. i din really want to post.. but now after 6 pages and reading and skimming through all the posts... i think i should post..
back to the question again.. can a guy be too nice?
i look at the question in 2 ways.. from the nice guy's p.o.v and whoever is at the recieving end of his "niceness"
easy bit to tackle is from the receiving end.. its like asking.. will you ever have too much of a good thing? basic instincts will tell u know.. dun talk about side effects and all.. if something is nice is nice.. no bad points about? so whats really stopping you from having more??
from the nice guys p.o.v.. i think there is more in there to explore..
you look at the reasons on why he is nice.. upbringing.. personal character.. ciricle of friends.. his own life experiences.. many things..
if he is nice.. he is genuinely nice and not nice just to hook girls.. i think this is impt.. if you are nice just to get laid.. your cover will soon be blown and your actions will reveal your true nature in time..
Nice Guy version A
if a guy is genuinely nice.. i believe he also will not do it for any other bad intentions.. like some say.. he is the cushion.. and maybe that's all what he wants to be? he asks for no reward.. if someone likes him back.. he will think about it and ask his own true feeling.. and thats being honest to himself as well
Nice Guy Version B
on the other hand .. if he feels the girl he likes falls for a bad guy.. and he can just whine and sulk.. then.. i see it that this "nice guy" is nothing more than someone who is weak and lack courage to really pursue his interests.. it also says much about his principles.. he is not that nice after all.. becos he has ulterior motives for being nice..
in every bit.. i think no one... guy or girl can be too nice.. nice people are after all a good thing for everyone and the world
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i thought he's whiteOriginally posted by the Bear:no.. he's kinda sad.. -
some gals, or I would say most (or not
), look for or settle on nice guys eventually.
other than being tagged as "old mr boring" or ones who wld most probably finish last, sometimes when a mr nice guy becomes too nice to everyone, his gf might have been blowing her top many times over seeing her bf going all way out to help other gals.
I wld still say there's no wrong or right in loving a person whether he/she is nice or bad, just the right or wrong person FOR him/her. sh!t! now I'm lost.
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I did not put it across clearly. I mean if a guy is nice - whether or not the girl fails to appreciate his gentlemanliness or not should not make him seem like the victim.Originally posted by Kan_i:I dont understand what you mean if she fails to appreciate his gentlemanliness has nothing to do with him being nice. what then is nice in your books, if a man who is "gentlemanliness" to a woman is not nice?
such high standards
He is not a victim simply because he is nice and his niceness is not reciprocated. It would be a sad day that if once 'niceness' does not guarantee 'gratitude' then the niceness is wasted and the giver becomes 'victimised'
He is only a victim if he is either
1) unable to discern that his affections is wasted on someone who not only does not return his affection, but abuses it and use him, and does not respect him or
2)unable to walk away from someone like this despite being able to see it due to whatsoever reasons.well the ability to "discerne" is always easy in hindsight and from an outside perspective. I am sure you have seen relationships where it makes you cringe at how couples talk to each other, and it usually the "nice" person being talked to in such a way.
And yes, as mentioned above in 1) and 2), then the nice party is a victim and deserves pity.
I am only putting this across because I have seen many more situations where, say, a guy does a lot for a girl even though the girl have already stated very clearly to please stop it, she cannot reciprocate. And in the end, the girl is the one being criticised for not 'accepting' the 'nice' guy. Of course the opposite happens where the girl is the 'nice' one as well
The recipient of such 'niceness' in the end resort to being curt and adamant to discourage this - but in the end will also be criticised for not appreciating the 'niceness' and the nice person is so pitiful and victimised.. like someone do much but kenna treated like this back.
Real cases of victimisation exists, but most of the time cases like this that happen. -
Yeah!Originally posted by Kan_i:who u a clone of? sounds so familiar.... Yet another one of my stalkers who buay tahan but had to finally make himself known!
Cowards like these... make a personal attack, and then plead with you not to ban them!
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Thanks for all the response... everyone. Just goes to show that there are and always will be differences in opinions of whether a guy can be deemed 'too nice' or otherwise.
It's all a matter of perspective, really.
To all those guys who are 'too nice' - don't stop being nice, and to those who feel a kinship with the bad ones... some of us still need you.
For what its worth... always, always be yourself. Can't go very wrong there.