What do you do if you discovered...
-
your spouse/gf/bf has overdrafts of over S$10k and didnt let you know...
and if you have the means to help him/her repay everything, would you do it? bearing in mind his/her ego and pride...
but if u act as if nothing happens, the banks are charging 18% interest pa, and u know s/he would probably let it rollover forever...
I have exactly this problem right now. I am deciding between letting him know that i know, but admitting i looked at his letters albeit accidentally, or pretending i dunno anything about it to save his pride... -
I would cry, realising that I'm a gay and actually married to a man....
-
HOMOFAGSOriginally posted by Devil1976:I would cry, realising that I'm a gay and actually married to a man.... -
Huh?
-
Well I will be EXTREMELY upset if I discovered that he is hiding such an important issue from me and lame excuses like "I don't want you to worry" is not going to work because it will ultimately affect our lives and it is better to clear the air than sweep it under the carpet.
I guess if you don't want to blow it up you can approach him nicely about it and ok maybe I'm an insensitive bitch but I think when it comes to issues like that, there is no such thing as pride and he can jolly well screw it for hiding from me in the first place.
I would definately want to know why is there an overdraft of 10k and the steps we can take together to clear it instead of letting it balloon.
Anyway you should have a good heart to heart talk with him because debts if left unsettled only grows and won't disappear. Maybe approach him gently if you think he have a pride issue. -
Thanks Elindra, for such a sensible reply.
to tell the truth, this isnt the first time i discovered this. the last time was probably half that amount, and when i tried to talk to him, he was very elusive, kept saying he will settle it. and after that, his attitude towards me changed dramatically -- inferiority complex creeping in. very bad. so if i can help it, i will try not to confront him about money matters.
u were right, debts will only grow and grow.
our lifestyle is quite thrifty. seriously, i also dunno how he could run up such debts. i dunno where the money goes to!
felt so sad... a guy, 30 yrs old, with no savings at all. and probably will never have savings unless he clear his debts. -
OK, this is very very serious. Like it or not, you have to bring it up. We're talking 18% compounded interest p.a. for a 5 figure sum. Even credit card debt of as little as 3k can become more than 10k in very little time after all the interest.Originally posted by sweetie05:but if u act as if nothing happens, the banks are charging 18% interest pa, and u know s/he would probably let it rollover forever...
-
Well if you guys are married you really need a heart to heart talk about this because it could have other hidden problems like a secret gambling habit or something.Originally posted by sweetie05:Thanks Elindra, for such a sensible reply.
to tell the truth, this isnt the first time i discovered this. the last time was probably half that amount, and when i tried to talk to him, he was very elusive, kept saying he will settle it. and after that, his attitude towards me changed dramatically -- inferiority complex creeping in. very bad. so if i can help it, i will try not to confront him about money matters.
u were right, debts will only grow and grow.
our lifestyle is quite thrifty. seriously, i also dunno how he could run up such debts. i dunno where the money goes to!
felt so sad... a guy, 30 yrs old, with no savings at all. and probably will never have savings unless he clear his debts.
The thing is if you don't confront him the debts will grow and grow. 10k is still managable but that is going to balloon to a figure that you guys can't cope with. Whether he likes it or not you have to talk to him.
I mean if he is 30 he should be able to think sensibly and it's not like you are looking down on him or anything -
Holy smokes - 18%? That'll have doubled in less than four years!
I'd be particularly concerned if I were you, for a number of reasons:
- this is serious and if he's keeping this from you, it doesn't say much about his reliability; like it or not, this gives you no reason to turst him
- irrespective of the reason, the debt has not been attended to - as Elindra says, it not only not going to go away, it's going to get bigger
- if the two of you do have plans together, like it or not you'll be stuck with the problem too, and therefore it IS your business
It's a bitter pill to swallow, but if he's not going to deal with this, you may have to look after yourself and walk away from this guy. I've seen people who've stuck around on principle, and it's never pretty. -
Yup I agree with Ged. It is your problem too especially if you guys are married and seriously he really have to be more responsible for his actions
Compounding interest is no laughing matter plus interest rates are expected to rise further so.... I mean there is so long the body can be kept in the closet and very soon it will start to bloat up and rot and when it starts to reek, it is usually too late and things tend to get really ugly by then. -
Thanks for ur advices.
He is a reliable guy, just one with lots of ego and pride, wouldnt want to admit he got debts and compromise on his lifestyle ie. scrimp and save, go hungry in front of his friends.
and bcos i want to go for a holiday (we havent gone on one for almost 2 yrs), he went. and of cos blew a few $k, though he paid for his own portion only.
So i dun believe there is anything to do with gambling. And i wouldnt dump him just bcos he has no $. Its just difficult for me to approach him bcos he would be very defensive and feel terribly inferior. -
bank's money belongs to the bank, your money belongs to the bank as well.
-
Well I'm sure you can somehow put it across nicely that he will have no ego and pride if he goes bankrupt coz he is not doing anything to manage his debtsOriginally posted by sweetie05:Thanks for ur advices.
He is a reliable guy, just one with lots of ego and pride, wouldnt want to admit he got debts and compromise on his lifestyle ie. scrimp and save, go hungry in front of his friends.
and bcos i want to go for a holiday (we havent gone on one for almost 2 yrs), he went. and of cos blew a few $k, though he paid for his own portion only.
So i dun believe there is anything to do with gambling. And i wouldnt dump him just bcos he has no $. Its just difficult for me to approach him bcos he would be very defensive and feel terribly inferior. -
Originally posted by sweetie05:
I'm going to be very straightforward here and say that your guy is heading towards disaster and you too, if you stick with him. Guys with a massive inferiority complex usually are. And it looks like he's the kind who will consistently try to live above his means, just to "save face" in front of people
Thanks for ur advices.
He is a reliable guy, just [b]one with lots of ego and pride, wouldnt want to admit he got debts and compromise on his lifestyle ie. scrimp and save, go hungry in front of his friends.
and bcos i want to go for a holiday (we havent gone on one for almost 2 yrs), he went. and of cos blew a few $k, though he paid for his own portion only.
So i dun believe there is anything to do with gambling. And i wouldnt dump him just bcos he has no $. Its just difficult for me to approach him bcos he would be very defensive and feel terribly inferior.
[/b] -
if u were in my shoes - and u have the money, would u help him repay the debts?
and then of cos make him pay u back.
Pros:
- wont owe banks 18% interest
Cons:
- may hurt the rship, bcos he is now "indebted" to u
Knowing him, he wont want me to repay the debts on his behalf. due to pride and probably bcos of the cons above.
In that case, the issue will never be settled. bcos he doesnt have the money.
And bcos i opened the pandora's box, there will always be some "tension" between the two of us. at least in the near term until this fades with time.
So in the end, its a "lose-lose" situation for me!
the problem doesnt get solved and i strained the rship.
we are very happy together until i discovered this problem. if i ignore this, life will just go on. the debt may not balloon bcos he is repaying the interest every month, but just that the principal dun get paid down much.
How? dilemma dilemma... -
Why is he only paying the interest?
Does he have a lot of financial commitments? Like housing loan, car loan, supporting parents or siblings etc.
Just paying the interest alone is quite jialat, its several thousand dollars per year. -
That ego and pride is going to be the source of a lot of trouble. I've seen it before - someone gets a bad deal, and then he keeps getting into it and losing money over and over again to prove to his wife that the idea was sound. It doesn't matter how many times he loses money, as long as he gets it right once, so that he can prove it's theoretically sound. Over twenty years, the house goes, the bills are unpaid and the debt stacks up even higher. Evetually the pressure reaches a point where the inevitable breakup takes place, and the wife would have been better off walking away twenty years prior instead of being stuck, broke and single at 55 with no chance to recover from the disaster.Originally posted by sweetie05:Thanks for ur advices.
He is a reliable guy, just one with lots of ego and pride, wouldnt want to admit he got debts and compromise on his lifestyle ie. scrimp and save, go hungry in front of his friends.
and bcos i want to go for a holiday (we havent gone on one for almost 2 yrs), he went. and of cos blew a few $k, though he paid for his own portion only.
So i dun believe there is anything to do with gambling. And i wouldnt dump him just bcos he has no $. Its just difficult for me to approach him bcos he would be very defensive and feel terribly inferior.
All for a little ego. -
I have to caution you that if you pay for him, changes are you will never get the money back and from what you say, to "save face", he will somehow or other get himself into debt again. Bearing this in mind, would you? I mean it's easy to say that you love him and would pay for him and hopefully sometime down the road you don't regret your decision but the thing is, usually one will regret making this decision.
Seriously if it was me I will walk out of the relationship. This is not because I'm with a guy because of his money nor not wanting to share his burden but because I know a few years down the road I will start to feel really resentful and stupid. How do I know? Because I have experienced something similar before.
I chose the "I pay for him option" The end result? To make himself feel better and more superior, he ended up putting me down all the time and blackmailing me emotionally till I was a total mess. It took me a year to be myself again. Anyway, I told myself never again will I get into a relationship like this again. The fortunate thing was that it happened to me when I was still young. I'm still young but it was a lesson which I was fortunate enough to learn early.
Just say I was young and stupid then and I was fortunate enough to be from an above average income family though it basically wiped me out of my savings then which was about 5k and it's alot considering that I was not working and was still in school. I am treating the money as school fees for a lesson in life.
Don't forget that the debt won't disappear even if he were to continue paying for interest and he is just making himself the slave to the bank and this amount will increase if you guys are going to buy a new house etc etc and you will have problems getting loans too due to this outstanding debt.
Anyway, ignorance is not really bliss you know. Don't blame yourself for knowing something which you should know rightfully as his gf. I'm assuming that you guys are not married.
Seriously this is a compounding problem and there will be no winners unless it is nip in the butt no matter how awful it is and I certainly hope that you will not regret it years down the road.
I'm sorry to say that if he is my bf now I would leave him. Easier said than done but with my past experience no way am I repeating my same mistake. If he is my husband I might just go counseling with him if settling it amongst ourselves will not help. I would pay his debts but I think I will make him cancel all his credit cards and stick to a debit card. At the same time open a joint account whereby money can only be withdrawn with 2 signatures and every mth he has to put money in it.
Seriously try to drum into his head it is either a short term 'loss of face' or a lifetime of misery. -
i guess...
the debt started from last time when he bought some big ticket items like PDA, PC on credit. and then he lost his job. so the debt just continued to roll over.
now even though he got a job, its not paying enuf for him to repay everything fast.
luckily he doesnt have too much other financial commitments. mortgage loan is paid by CPF. he does need to support the car ($400-500 pm?), mobile, PUB bills. -
Maybe get him to dump the car and use the money to settle the overdraft? It will lesson his financial burden quite considerably.Originally posted by sweetie05:i guess...
the debt started from last time when he bought some big ticket items like PDA, PC on credit. and then he lost his job. so the debt just continued to roll over.
now even though he got a job, its not paying enuf for him to repay everything fast.
luckily he doesnt have too much other financial commitments. mortgage loan is paid by CPF. he does need to support the car ($400-500 pm?), mobile, PUB bills.
And elindra has very good advice. please consider it. -
elindra,
i am sure u have made the right choice. your advice is very sound, but for me, leaving him is not an option. we are married and i love him.
we are both not that young to be thinking abt leaving each other, especially after we have been thru so much.
i just hope he wont take it too badly if i do talk to him. -
Well I did say if you are married you might want to get some counseling or make some drastic movesOriginally posted by sweetie05:elindra,
i am sure u have made the right choice. your advice is very sound, but for me, leaving him is not an option. we are married and i love him.
we are both not that young to be thinking abt leaving each other, especially after we have been thru so much.
i just hope he wont take it too badly if i do talk to him.
Anyway talk to him and even if he takes it badly he has to listen -
You're married already? Hmmm - well, it's not that there's too much choice then.Originally posted by sweetie05:elindra,
i am sure u have made the right choice. your advice is very sound, but for me, leaving him is not an option. we are married and i love him.
we are both not that young to be thinking abt leaving each other, especially after we have been thru so much.
i just hope he wont take it too badly if i do talk to him.
E's right - the car is a luxury rather than a necessity in Singapore, and to put it bluntly he's got higher priorities than its upkeep right now (assuming that he doesn't need, and I mean absolutely NEED, it for business).
Look, if you're going to be married, there's no space for fragile egos here - like it or not, it's the both of you in it for better or worse. I literally tell my fiancée everything, whether she likes it or not (and quite often she doesn't), so that she knows exactly what our current situation is. Sure as hell she wasn't happy when I wrote off a $40,000 contract that was in dispute last year, but she needs to know exactly where we're at because the finances can affect both of us (although I was able to absorb the hit without too much pain) - I've moved on since then and knowing what's taken place, I've earned her trust in my ability to recover from that sort of thing and learn from my mistakes.
I suppose I'm in a reverse situation to yours. My fiancée often doesn't want to know what's going on but I make sure she does because, God forbid, if I ever get run over by a truck she'd better know where everything is and exactly what needs to be done. Fact of the matter is that once we get married, everything's intertwined and everything that I do affects her. That's why there's no space for fragile egos - you simply can't afford it.
Botttom line, girlfriend, is simply that whether or not he takes it badly, this matter MUST be taken care of for both your sakes. -
Touchy issue. Still I am with the heart to heart talk as well. Perhaps you can tell him you feel that something is bothering him, is there something he wishes to talk to you about? And perhaps instead of giving him the solution, ask him what his plans are.
Thing is, first off, without you paying for him, can you think about what he can do to solve the problem himself? He's a grown man and should learn to handle his own problems - and if it means learning to swallow that ego and change his own lifestyle - that's too bad for him. Doesn't mean you dont be compassionate - just that unless it is completely hopeless for him to solve the problem on his own, I dont suggest you offer your help immediately.
For a simple reason that if he doesnt learn, it might jolly well happen again. Secondly, if he can't save, then you got to be the one to take the responsibility to save for the both of you. Alternatively, if you know his friends well, perhaps you can 'loan' him the money through a good mutual friend who he is able to confide in.
If the only solution is for you to pay for him - its gets a bit .... calculative if it becomes a clear cut loan. perhaps you can tell him in view of the future, both of you can open a joint saving account where he giros in a certain amount for saving every month or something. -
pay half or 70% of it off
then keep mum about it and pretend I do not know anything
then maybe use it as my trump card should any situations in the future calls for it