Her Emotional Needs
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Firstly I've to say that I decided to post it under Club 30 instead of AA because I'm not exactly in agony, and I find that the people in Club 30 are more mature.
So the situation is like this. I'm 19, she's 20. We have our fair share of quarrels, but we do manage to make up after our conflicts each time. Sometimes things do get bad, but both of us compromise and try to make things work out, and I appreciate the bond that we have.
While having a heart to heart talk one night, she mentioned that although I'm always physically there for her, she feels that I'm not emotionally there. "If it's there, it's there. If it isn't, it just isn't", as quoted.
Been pondering over this since then. I've been trying to listen more instead of talking in hope that I'll be able to understand the unspoken things. Although everyone's emotional needs are different, how do I address this? -
men are from mars, women are from venus.
understand why women react a certain way, what they need.
at the same time she also has to understand why men react a certain way. -
You should ask her, how to be there for her emotionally. What do you need to do to be emotionally there. Because different people view it differently. Her expectation seems to quite high and that you are fulfilling all her emotional needs?
Is listening to her enough? Or do you need to get hysterical with her when she is feeling it, or you need to be as sad as she is when she is sad. If you need to "connect" to that level, my view is that being her BF is going to be tough. Because she too need to recognise that you are a separate individual. You can empathize but you are not her. You cannot be her because you will lose yourself.
Certain things and certain events and certain emotions, one single person cannot cover it all. Meaning that, sometimes I know I feel something, but I do not always expect support from my husband. I might approach my girl friends. Other times, I just want to bounce ideas off people, I ask my guy friends. Other times, its family and siblings, etc. She need to be able to identify that.
Anyways, you both are young and exploring. Don't get all hung up over it. Perhaps you can explain to her why you are not her, but you will be a pillar of strength for her... beside that, if she feels upset, unhappy, she should tell you and not let you mind read. when she is happy and joyful, she should also share with you and not let you guess.
Anyways, I also believe age has nothing to do with maturity. And maturity has nothing to do with advicing. And advicing is just someone's views, it might not be the right stuff for your situation. So you must exercise some thought about this as well. Don't love blindly, don't blindly follow, don't make blind assumptions. -
Thanks for the valuable advice misty. Actually she never made any demands or asked for me to be there for her emotionally. But as her boyfriend, I just feel that if I can't be there for her, then what exactly can I do for her?
I know that I'm not her, and I can never be her. That's one reason why I'll not be able to totally understand her, but still I hope to be able to know how she feels. Not totally, but at least have an understanding. -
u can't learn just by people telling you because it is a whole lot of things.
really, go read the book "men are from mars, women are from venus"
you will get a better understanding. -
Alright I will.
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its kinda hard to find now, so drop by those used book stores.
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i think in Times in Marina Square still got, the last time i went there about a month ago they still have it and on sale summore
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You realised something : you cannot be her.
She has yet to realise this: You cannot be her.
Has she adjusted her expectation?
Put it this way, If I had brain cancer, I suffer. My husband is healthy and strong. He might feel sad and miserable for me. But he will never understand the pain I have to go through. If I ask to be put to death, would he be able to understand my pain and my thought process to arrive at this conclusion. Propably not. I can speak with him, he can be there for me, but he cannot understand 100% my situation. He might cry and he might laugh. But I will also never understand 100% what he feels about my decision and how is he managing it.
But what have we arrived at is the acceptance that we are different and feel differently for the same thing. We can and always try to be there for each other but that's about all we can do for each other - to support each other through the hard times. What more can a person ask? -
moneyOriginally posted by mistyblue:What more can a person ask? -
Sometimes I feel that it's contradicting. Once she said that she thinks that I'm not compromising enough, she feels that she's always the one giving in to me. Then the next moment she can say that she feels that it's unfair to me, and she knows that she asks for a lot.Originally posted by mistyblue:You realised something : you cannot be her.
She has yet to realise this: You cannot be her.
Has she adjusted her expectation?
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I don't know what she expects, and I no longer know what to expect as well. -
Hi aRcTiC_sTaR
How long have you two been togethe? -
Coming to 1 year soon.
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Is your girl the emotional type who's very invested in her relationship?
E.g. she has lots of / frequent heart-to-hear talks about your relationship
e.g. she likes to psychoanalyse the relationship (frequently discusses wads changed, wads different, wads missing, etc)
e.g. she spends most of her free time with you
e.g. she needs alot of attention? -
We talk, but yet not really 'talk'. Sometimes we have good heart-to-heart talks, but we did lack this for quite sometime until lately after we had a conflict.Originally posted by choco B:Is your girl the emotional type who's very invested in her relationship?
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She doesn't really often discuss on what's missing. But right now I feel that something's missing. She used to be happy when I say things like I miss her and stuffs, but nowadays it just seems like she's avoiding making any response to such things that I say.
She used to spend most of her free time with me, but she's very busy of late with work. I understand that she hasn't met up with her friends, so I can accept her not spending time with me.
She doesn't really seek much of my attention. Maybe it's because I already give her most of my attention. -
I think your relationship has evolved into a mature stage and you're both adjusting.
I don't think necessarily that SOMETHING is wrong
You're both just adjusting to the new phase.
Perhaps you feel something's missing because there isn't that crazy enthusiasm & passion between you two anymore. This doesn't mean the love is gone.
This new stage gives rise to disconcertion, an uneasy feeling that things aren't the same as before. Thus you both start trying to pinpoint what's wrong - the connection is gone, you're not THERE, SOMETHING's missing, etc.
But if you take a totally practical, realistic examination at how you and her are performing as a couple, if you're both fulfilling each other's needs... I don't think there's really anything seriously wrong LOL
Could it be you're both alittle bored with each other and the routine? -
Agree with Choco
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I'm trying to adapt to the current situation. And no I haven't grown bored of her. But the points that you've raised are worth thinking about.
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marriage is a disease
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Heh not there yet. Though I have been thinking 'bout the future, but I know that it's not time yet.