A discussion on Life and Marriage...
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OT:
The central character in David Lodge's novel on national service in the UK, Ginger You're Barmy, is a classic case of someone who gets himself into a marriage he did not really want because of his overly despo nature (he was desperately lonely and horny)
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Do you imagine being with him for the next 50 years ?Originally posted by honeymouse:Yes, engagement can be very stressful with all the wedding preparations (just look at our don_don), the money involved, the decisions, etc
Like any relationship (including normal friendship), it's important to make an effort to keep the bond strong, to get to know the person. My hubby and I had been going out for 5 years plus 12 mths engagement before we got married. We will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary in Sept this year. However, if you ask me whether I know everything about my hubby after being together for so long, I would still say no.
While I know him very well generally, there are always new things to learn about each other, especially during certain circumstances. So, it's important in a relationship not to make too many assumptions thinking that you know your partner so well that you stop making any effort in knowing him better.
I think it will help when you look at your partner not just as your partner (to have sex with you, to provide for you etc) but also your best friend and soul mate.
Can you ? -
My opinion has always been my own. And I have always been satisfied with that, knowing that right or wrong, I made the choices, the decisions. And of course, living with the consequences.Originally posted by choco B: You think too much
- Don't apologize for your principles or preferences. You are what you are, you need what you need. If other people subscribe to a different theory, that's their problem. There is no strictly right or wrong.
- To really understand more about love (and marriage) , I guess the best teacher is experience. Talk is nothing. But first you have to open your heart for love to come in.
But I think marriage meant two shared opinions (not to mentioned extended family and kids).
If your other half does not subscribed to the same shared ideals and values....there would be a compromise, isnt there ?
Experience... Sigh.. I think my heart is dead.
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In a nutshell,
there are no guarantees, and you just have to take that leap of faith
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For me...50 yrs cannot imagine lah... then he would be 90+ yrs old.Originally posted by Ferret:Do you imagine being with him for the next 50 years ?
Can you ?
Another 30 yrs perhaps....and he must still hold my hand.
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YeahOriginally posted by av98m:In a nutshell,
there are no guarantees, and you just have to take that leap of faith
There is no pt talking about it coz each and every individual experience different things and at that pt in time you have to decide if you want to take that leap of faith or not
What might work for one might not work for you -
i think if i find Mrs Bear, i'd be holding her hand after many many years.. if only to stop her smacking me upside the headOriginally posted by Wanda:For me...50 yrs cannot imagine lah... then he would be 90+ yrs old.
Another 30 yrs perhaps....and he must still hold my hand. -
Some things can compromise, others are deal-breakers, non-negotiables, have to decide which is which... if it's not meant to be, then it's just not, bo bian wan
Flat-liner??
Originally posted by Ferret:My opinion has always been my own. And I have always been satisfied with that, knowing that right or wrong, I made the choices, the decisions. And of course, living with the consequences.
But I think marriage meant two shared opinions (not to mentioned extended family and kids).
If your other half does not subscribed to the same shared ideals and values....there would be a compromise, isnt there ?
Experience... Sigh.. I think my heart is dead. -
Maybe he just gotta find a girl who thinks giving someone right arm is very romanticOriginally posted by the Bear:first statement.. no.. not necessarily.. a person who loves you may not be romantic at all.. but he may love you in his own humdrum, straightlaced, boring way.. he'll give his right arm to make you happy but he's probably seen as a boring wallflower..
the second statement.. nail got hit right on the head
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Yeah I guess no one could. What I couldnt bring myself to say is that perhaps, love may not come first in a happy marriage.Originally posted by elindra:You can't survive on love alone you know
For example my ex
I loved him before but when I imagine myself married to him I was like
The more I thought about it the more I felt and ultimately we broke off
We were together for over 4 yrs.
I get along well with his family and he is doing well in his job as a private banker
He is not ugly either and is of above average looks with a nice build
One reason is that I cannot accept his shortcomings and I kept trying to change him and the thing is that I know that even if we were married I will never be able to accept him for who he is.
I had it all. I had loved him before, he has a future, he is good looking, I get along with his family but it didn't work out anyway
That is why I said it's a hell lot of factors.
I really don't know how to explain to you but once you experience it, you will know it.
Suddenly I feel a little naive for even assuming so. -
Non-idealistic love is romantic too, y'know
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Originally posted by the Bear:there is no such thing as certainty.. which is why it's vital to work on things...
even when the both of you work on things, it may not work out..
that is why, when things do work out, it's a beautiful sight to behold
First, how do you deal with uncertainty ? Not knowing what to do, what will happen...Originally posted by choco B:You can be certain but you will never 100% certain. Life is full of possibilities both good and bad. The fact is, you could be happy too with someone else - who knows who will come into your life in the future? Love and marriage is also a choice - you choose to be faithful, you choose to be be happy and content with what you have. (within certain limits of course)
You need love, and then some
And choco, supposing...the one u married isnt the one wanna be with the rest of your life, is that an acceptable excuse for divorces...even if ur other half still loves you deeply ? -
frankly, i revel in the uncertainty of some things..
it makes life infinitely interesting and gives you the reason to get up in the morning and live life!
if everything was certain, life would be infinitely boring..
(that is the trap of prescience, if you think of it that way) -
so we should forego the troublesome and expensive wedding and spend the time, effort and money on the life after marriage insteadOriginally posted by the Bear:let's look at it this way.. you worry.. that is good because you know the gravity of it..
which is heaps better than a whole lot of them out there.. who end up spending all their time and energy preparing for the wedding instead of preparing for the marriage
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When I marry he IS the one I wanna be with the rest of my life - this is a certainty at that point in time.
If in the future, somehow or other the marriage has broken down beyond repair and there is nothing to keep us together, I am open to the option of divorce. Heck it might even be a relief.
The other half might love me deeply but if there is no chance of happiness in the marriage , it's better for both of us to part.
I respect the institution of marriage. But I am a realist - people change with time. Sh|t happens. One person can never fulfill all your needs (This is another thing you might find shocking, haha) .
Does a divorce cheapen a marriage? No! As long as at that point in time, during your marriage, what you had was real and honest, you worked hard at it, gave it your all - it's precious and beautiful! It just had a shorter shelf life, that's all.Originally posted by Ferret:And choco, supposing...the one u married isnt the one wanna be with the rest of your life, is that an acceptable excuse for divorces...even if ur other half still loves you deeply ? -
All I think about is being with him at this moment and just take one moment at a time. After all it's the quality of time you spend together that matters.Originally posted by Ferret:Do you imagine being with him for the next 50 years ?
Can you ?
If you just keep thinking about how to uphold your marriage for the next 50 years, I think you'll feel miserable throughout the whole marriage, adding extra burden onto yourself and the relationship.
Just learn to relax and cherish every moment together, you'll be happier that way. -
i wonder why some people need to plan everything to a T
overriding thing: you love him... and he loves you..
2nd overriding thing: you get on well together..
3rd overriding thing: you're happy together..
everything else can be worked out and somehow, after the 3 overriding things, they would be almost trivial (at least to me)
maybe i'm doomed coz i think that way -
Good for u.Originally posted by av98m:I haven't succumbed up to this point
Hey, if I meet a sweet girl from thailand I like, who knows?
(but I wun ever go to those ridiculous china/thai/viet wife agencies to purchase a wife ok)
One of those couple started separation proceedings not long after the honeymoon lol. The rest I have no idea, lost contact.
Though in 20 years time, when we might have the time for a chat again, I wonder if you would tell me a different thing ? -
Love doesn't have to mean marriage ma. Can cohabit oso.....Originally posted by gentlerock:Yeah, 3 menstrual cycles is too short for such a heavy commitment. A few Financial Years is more like it
I've been married 7-8 years now, after 8 years of dating...and still loving it.
Marriage is like starting a business. Its a calculated risk where if you think too much, you'll just get more afraid. As they say, it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. -
You're not doomed at all, you're just so ripe to meet Mrs Bear.Originally posted by the Bear:i wonder why some people need to plan everything to a T
overriding thing: you love him... and he loves you..
2nd overriding thing: you get on well together..
3rd overriding thing: you're happy together..
everything else can be worked out and somehow, after the 3 overriding things, they would be almost trivial (at least to me)
maybe i'm doomed coz i think that way -
Life and love is a gamble
But if you don't risk something, you can never win! -
oh where is she?
i wonder if that's her i can't even find a chance to take time off to ask out for sushi?Originally posted by Wanda:You're not doomed at all, you're just so ripe to meet Mrs Bear. -
Ferret, I think that in marriage, there's no guarantee that it will definitely work out. Like several others have mentioned in here, it is a great leap of faith that a couple takes, because they love each other and want to commit to each other. They do not know if the union will work for sure, but they love each other enough to want to put in their best effort and hope that the marriage endures for the rest of their lives.
Sometimes, you just need to stick your head out, despite all the uncertainties. You can keep your head safely tucked in your shell, like a tortoise, but all you'll see will be darkness within the confines of your own tiny shell.
If you stick out your head tentatively, you might see blinding light, or you might see beautiful colours, then depending on whether you choose to dwell and face the blinding light or the beautiful colours, you'll end up sticking your head with your eyes shut tight to keep out the glare, or with your eyes wide open, to enjoy the brilliant colours for what they are worth.
Sure you'll risk getting your head chopped off or eaten up but would you rather die in darkness, forever wondering about the what-could-have-been's or would you rather have cherished that precious moment where you saw the brilliant colours?
The dynamics between a couple cannot be scientifically analysed and guaranteed. There's no tried and tested formula that guarantees that a marriage will work. But I do feel that you have to know yourself well first so that you know what you are looking for, what would work best with you, what you can tolerate, and what you can't.
Even then, armed with a list of what you want, you might just meet someone who doesn't fulfill what's on your list anyways, but somehow, you just 'click' with him, and you both somehow make up for each other's shortcomings and complement each other perfectly.
I do think, though, that some sort of pre-marital counselling like those offered in churches, is important because it sets the groundwork and forces the couple to get away from the lovey-dovey mode to tackle real-life issues like finances, taking care of the in-laws, parenting, etc head-on.
Ferret, there seems to be a lot of fear in you. But we're all resilient - even if a relationship / marriage fails, we will somehow manage to pick ourselves up after grieving over it, shake off the dust, and move on. Do not be afraid of failures because if you fear failure too much, you won't even begin to tread the path of life and experience the good and bad that life has in store for you! -
Why not? What's the worst thing that can happen?Originally posted by the Bear:oh where is she?
i wonder if that's her i can't even find a chance to take time off to ask out for sushi?
Go for it lah. -
i am i am!! but i got to apply for some leave or time off because schedules clash so badly..
soon... soonOriginally posted by Wanda:Why not? What's the worst thing that can happen?
Go for it lah.