69 (II)
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A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years.
She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.
He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.
Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh. -
Rubbing Her The Right Way
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" -
A loving married couple preparing for the night out
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car. -
my old time favourites
The Little Girl and a Bird
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
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A man is very horny and goes into a wh0re house. he goes up to a wh0re and tell her he wants to do something new and exciting. so she tells him "ok, baby, how about a little 69?". he says "69? what's that?" so she tells him "come upstairs and i'll show you". so they go upstairs, get naked, climb on the bed and start doing 69.
After about 5 minutes, she farts. he's a little shocked, but doesn't say anything because he's enjoying it so much. she continues, he continues and after about 15 minutes, she farts again. this time much bigger than the first. the guy gets really upset, but still doesn't say anything because he's still very turned on and enjoying his 69. after about 10 minutes, she farts again, this time a huge ripper, really smelly. by now he's really disgusted and throws her off the bed, and starts getting dressed. she looks up at him and says "what's the matter honey, didn't you enjoy 69?" and he shouts back "Hell no! i can't take 66 more of those!!!!" -
Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what they're supposed to do once they get to their hotel room.
The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there.
The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens.
He calls his mother back to find out what to do next.
She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course.
The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing.
He calls his mother a third time.
Getting frustrated with the situation she says: "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!", and hangs up on him.
A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back: "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?" -
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: "Hello, could you give me condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom; And as the boy is leaving he turns back and says: After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions...
and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us!!!" A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..."
Ten minutes went on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others.
She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies :"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!" -
AHAHAH the last one is power.
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Originally posted by stellazio:AHAHAH the last one is power.
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a man had 3 women to choose for his wife and he decided to test them to decide who he shall marry... he gave each of them 5000 dollars and observe how they use the money...
the first woman went for a complete make over, styled her hair, put on the best make up and got the most expensive best looking jewellery... she told the man that she did all these so as to make herself moreattractive to the man... and that's because she love him so much... the man was touched...
the second woman bought him many gifts... a complete golf set, computer accessories and expensive clothes... when she gave the gifts to the man... she told the man that she loves him so much she spent all her money on him... the man was touched...
the third women invested her money... earned many times the 500 dollars, gave the man back his 5000 dollars and saved the rest of the money in a joint account with the man... she told the man that she wanna have a firm financial foundation with him... just because she loves him so much... the man was touched...
he considered the way the 3 women spent their money and after a long time of deciding he decided to marry
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the woman with the biggest breast -
LOL.. typical of men...
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Originally posted by stellazio:LOL.. typical of men...
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A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called." -
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your t!ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." -
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.
"Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
"Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!".
The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".
So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!". -
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!" -
wah u become pee-member now so active eh
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Originally posted by de_middle:wah u become pee-member now so active eh
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Phoebie is getting more active in bar.
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Originally posted by viewquek:Phoebie is getting more active in bar.
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x2Originally posted by viewquek:Phoebie is getting more active in bar. -
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!" -
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma." -
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More! More!
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MORE MORE MORE!!