Hi, hv been reading the forum....need advices/views from wee, eagle..
My son is in Sec 2 this year...result has been in the mid..50 plus % . We have tutors for him...but it seems tht he is not motivated to study. Always thinking of compu games...which we allows him during the weekends if it is sch term. He neglects his school works and tutors' work...and if need to do...he just complete it without giving his heart in it...attitude is do la...so that no complains.
Thought of giving up...leave him alone and let him failed...then he will wake up...but as parents, I really do not want to see it happen..especially this year is streaming year.
We spent alot on tuition...and is rather painful..especially in this time of recession.
Am very worry and in a fix....and because of this issue...we tend to argue and I know this is very unhealthy for our relationship. Pls advise...as you all have been thru the teens...
Ask the tutor(s) to give him work that he can do well first so as to build up his confidence. With confidence, he will show more interest in his work.
Have a good discussion with your son that time wil be allowed to play computer games and there will be time agreed that he will study. Make him sign a statment.
Do not nag or scold him thereafter, just sit down with him every week and review the tasks and target and what he will have to do if he fails to meet the target or tasks assigned. Make him sign a statement.
Originally posted by Etan0065:Hi, hv been reading the forum....need advices/views from wee, eagle..
My son is in Sec 2 this year...result has been in the mid..50 plus % . We have tutors for him...but it seems tht he is not motivated to study. Always thinking of compu games...which we allows him during the weekends if it is sch term. He neglects his school works and tutors' work...and if need to do...he just complete it without giving his heart in it...attitude is do la...so that no complains.
Thought of giving up...leave him alone and let him failed...then he will wake up...but as parents, I really do not want to see it happen..especially this year is streaming year.
We spent alot on tuition...and is rather painful..especially in this time of recession.
Am very worry and in a fix....and because of this issue...we tend to argue and I know this is very unhealthy for our relationship. Pls advise...as you all have been thru the teens...
If your son choose to fail what can you do?
Talk to him about his interest and let him develop from there. "Forced your child to study" is only useful if u know how to tackle the subject
Originally posted by Etan0065:Hi, hv been reading the forum....need advices/views from wee, eagle..
My son is in Sec 2 this year...result has been in the mid..50 plus % . We have tutors for him...but it seems tht he is not motivated to study. Always thinking of compu games...which we allows him during the weekends if it is sch term. He neglects his school works and tutors' work...and if need to do...he just complete it without giving his heart in it...attitude is do la...so that no complains.
Thought of giving up...leave him alone and let him failed...then he will wake up...but as parents, I really do not want to see it happen..especially this year is streaming year.
We spent alot on tuition...and is rather painful..especially in this time of recession.
Am very worry and in a fix....and because of this issue...we tend to argue and I know this is very unhealthy for our relationship. Pls advise...as you all have been thru the teens...
Wow, if you didn't say your son was 14, i would think you were my student's mum cos shes facing the exact same thing from her son who is giving me a super headache as well.
I would say some boys won't even wakeup after they fail and to them they just feel its fine as long as they manage to pass etc without a care about their own future. Some boys just don't wakeup and care about their failures so i would say academic failure isn't always a good wakeup call...
Your son needs to be motivated (ya it's a duh)... What I think is that he hasn't get used to scoring well, and wanting to score well... It's like... "I study also can't score, so why study" type of mentality.
That said, I was like that in sec 2.... I didn't score very well... But I went for maths tuition at Mavis... Don't remember much homework, but did a lot of practices there... And that was how I improve... I can understand fast, but I was too lazy to practice... Rather practice my Red Alert skills that time :(
What you could do is to supervise him in doing his homework. Do allow time to play though, but make sure he finishes his work... on time... Homework don't take very long to finish if you understand the thing, so make that an incentive...
"he just complete it without giving his heart in it...attitude is do la...so that no complains."
That happened to me as well; just do it so that no one complains. But the fact that he does it is already better than some other kids who don't even bother no matter who complains.
What I think nowadays is.... students like to see quick results, don't really like hard work... If a lot of hard work is required to achieve the result, then forget it... Very unlike my generation... The thing is to make him studying isn't a lot about hard work; it is about studying techniques, methodology, accelerated learning, mind-mapping, conceptual understanding... etc... etc... In fact, to score moderately well, one do not need to spend 24 hours a day sitting in front of their textbooks to score...
Anyway... he just has to score once very well to want to score the same again.... If not will "throw face" one...
Originally posted by Etan0065:Hi, hv been reading the forum....need advices/views from wee, eagle..
My son is in Sec 2 this year...result has been in the mid..50 plus % . We have tutors for him...but it seems tht he is not motivated to study. Always thinking of compu games...which we allows him during the weekends if it is sch term. He neglects his school works and tutors' work...and if need to do...he just complete it without giving his heart in it...attitude is do la...so that no complains.
Thought of giving up...leave him alone and let him failed...then he will wake up...but as parents, I really do not want to see it happen..especially this year is streaming year.
We spent alot on tuition...and is rather painful..especially in this time of recession.
Am very worry and in a fix....and because of this issue...we tend to argue and I know this is very unhealthy for our relationship. Pls advise...as you all have been thru the teens...
Hi, I myself had been through what your son has been through. The moment I stepped into Secondary School, my results plummeted.
However I started to worry when prelim's for the 'O' Levels were nearing, and I started to study like crazy.
You didn't mention whether your son has the potential or not, or if he has been like this since young.
You shouldn't leave him alone. Since you are already arranging tuition for him, I believe it will do him good sooner or later.
Sometimes kids are just plain lazy, but if they do put in the effort, they will actually excel.
My Chinese was really pathetic in the past, until my parents got me a tutor, and that's when I started to read newspaper, and that helped me alot.
All in all, it boils down to his determination to study. Do try to encourage him. 14 years old is the age where most kids really start to turn bad.
Hi sonic & eagle,..he can score if he put his heart in it and when we pushed very hard...he scored math 99 in prel PSLE and A* for math. Sec 1 he failed his science terrible...8/30 for bio...3/30 for chem..
But this year...we change his sci tutors and on top of that I went thru all the topics and read them..and revise with him...he scored for his SA 1 chem 73/100 etc...but average out to 66 due to his CA1..he flunked for class test....class test...we did not know about it...so no one pushes him.
Am sad..cause he can do it.if he wants..but with us (dad & mummy) to push...it is really tiring for us...we are working class parents...and in this times of recession...we are too stress with our jobs.
He is already 14....and Lee012lee...I have worked with him about signing a contract of agreement...it didn't work as well...I have tried the soft approach...and the hard approach...but to no avail....that pushes me to seek online help.
Originally posted by Etan0065:Hi sonic & eagle,..he can score if he put his heart in it and when we pushed very hard...he scored math 99 in prel PSLE and A* for math. Sec 1 he failed his science terrible...8/30 for bio...3/30 for chem..
But this year...we change his sci tutors and on top of that I went thru all the topics and read them..and revise with him...he scored for his SA 1 chem 73/100 etc...but average out to 66 due to his CA1..he flunked for class test....class test...we did not know about it...so no one pushes him.
Am sad..cause he can do it.if he wants..but with us (dad & mummy) to push...it is really tiring for us...we are working class parents...and in this times of recession...we are too stress with our jobs.
He is already 14....and Lee012lee...I have worked with him about signing a contract of agreement...it didn't work as well...I have tried the soft approach...and the hard approach...but to no avail....that pushes me to seek online help.
Hi. Please, please do not push your son too hard. Kids these days are totally different from kids in the past. Kids now are more prone to depression and stress.
Do everything slowly, show that you care about his future. What stream is he in? If he's in Express, he still has more than 2 years for him to realise how important is Education in Singapore.
Kids are very rebellious these days and pushing too hard results in negative consequences which is what i see happen to some of my boys in the boys hostel/home who became more rebellious as their parents try to force them to do things they dislike.
At least your son is still willing to work hard when pushed by you all and have not started to rebel yet. Try to motivate him to study. Will rewards for good results help?
Originally posted by Etan0065:Hi sonic & eagle,..he can score if he put his heart in it and when we pushed very hard...he scored math 99 in prel PSLE and A* for math. Sec 1 he failed his science terrible...8/30 for bio...3/30 for chem..
But this year...we change his sci tutors and on top of that I went thru all the topics and read them..and revise with him...he scored for his SA 1 chem 73/100 etc...but average out to 66 due to his CA1..he flunked for class test....class test...we did not know about it...so no one pushes him.
Am sad..cause he can do it.if he wants..but with us (dad & mummy) to push...it is really tiring for us...we are working class parents...and in this times of recession...we are too stress with our jobs.
He is already 14....and Lee012lee...I have worked with him about signing a contract of agreement...it didn't work as well...I have tried the soft approach...and the hard approach...but to no avail....that pushes me to seek online help.
You can try the good companions and good mentor method.
You can get him some good study buddies and a good mentor.
Ultimateonline, the Science moderator, is a very dedicated tutor. Perhaps, you can enrol your son with him and ask him to let your son join a group that is of similar standards. With his good guidance and good study buddies, he can be motivated to study.
Eagle and Mr Wee, the Maths Moderators, are also very dedicated tutors. Similarly, you can enrol your son with him and ask him to let your son join a group that is of similar standards. With his good guidance and good study buddies, he can be motivated to study.
In addition, if financially possible, you can promise him a gift of choice if he does well in his studies. This can be an added incentive for him to study.
Sigh...that's why I am fix...have tried reward...I noticed recently he has changed..very rebellious...and started foul words...He is in Express...am very worried..cause I know it is important to have a gd relationship with him...
Sigh...that's why I am fix...have tried reward...I noticed recently he has changed..very rebellious...and started foul words...He is in Express...am very worried..cause I know it is important to have a gd relationship with him...
Originally posted by Etan0065:Sigh...that's why I am fix...have tried reward...I noticed recently he has changed..very rebellious...and started foul words...He is in Express...am very worried..cause I know it is important to have a gd relationship with him...
U are worried that your son dun score well, next time will suffer is it?
yup..uncertain...no matter what..a basic education is the entrance of an interview...after getting thru..is the performance....but without that paper...or education...it will be tough...as what I told him..if you want a simple life...then it is ok...but if u want many choices in life...then hv to study
Originally posted by Etan0065:Sigh...that's why I am fix...have tried reward...I noticed recently he has changed..very rebellious...and started foul words...He is in Express...am very worried..cause I know it is important to have a gd relationship with him...
Rebellious and foul words usually mean troubled state of mind and under stress.
He might feel that he cannot relate to you and that he feels that you are unable to understand him.
You can try the patient listening method.
You will listen to him patiently when he talks to you.
Do not show any displeasure and negative emotion.
The objective is to get him to talk to you and share the emtions, frustration and stress with you.
With this understanding, you will be in a better position to help him emotionally and academically.
Your son lacks 1 thing, its essential if he wants to succeed.
Its a GOAL.
Have a goal, always know your end game before you lift a finger. Having a goal also serves as a strong motivation. :D
Or you can either just dont send him to tuition and use the money instead and send him for Adam Khoo's classes. Yup, that one die die wakes the shit outa you. Ive been through that b4. I cant reccomend that enough!!
I hv sent him to Ernest Wong...superteens camp last year...end of Sec 1...didn't work...He told me...all these is waste of $...motivation is up to him....Ya...that's the point...how to get him up!
Have you ever tried sitting down 1 on 1 with him and hear what he has to say and what he himself wants rather than make him do what you want?
he has to fail first before he can start learning, some ppl are like that.
im one of them, im one of the worse failure -.- due to all the shits i've been doing for e past yrs.
it may be heartbreaking as a mum to see your son turn out this way, but the potential that's going to be unleashed may be seen as useful.
good luck ~
Hi Etan0065,
i am currently a student as well, older than your son in sec 2 who is probably 14 years of age. I know that your son isn't doing very well in his studies. May i know is his school a step school or some neighbourhood school? Could be the school standard too high?
There are many reasons why your son could not do well
-mixture of bad influences.
-stressfull cca and school workload.
-tution work is tough
-he don't get the attention needed to guide him to his solutions in his work.
-he is just always tired.
-he needs a listening ear
All kids are born smart, and i bet if your son had the chance to do well, wouldn't he do well? Yes i do agree with him, that motivational camps are bullshit and stuff. i do agree. it just motivates you for awhile and you go back slacking. its the mindset of your son.
At your son age he is easily losing attention on his schoolwork. At this age friends works more than parents. Maybe the friends he has don't do that well too. So he has this sense of complancency to not do well.
Yes i know,parents just want to leave their child to fend for themselves than hope they fail and wake up. SOORY, but this method do not work. My mom did it on me back than and i went into a gana and screwed up. Never ever lose hope on your son.
Do guide him back, maybe he is better with his dad? Ask his dad to talk to him? If not get his friends to ask him whats wrong and them get them to convey it to you. Sec 2 is a very very fragile age. If you go wrong from here. Life is screwed.
All the best for him.
Originally posted by Etan0065:I hv sent him to Ernest Wong...superteens camp last year...end of Sec 1...didn't work...He told me...all these is waste of $...motivation is up to him....Ya...that's the point...how to get him up!
I have always thought that parents often expect too much from their children. Often I get parents telling me to give as much homework as possible.
Sometimes parents need to realise that secondary education is a marathon and running at maximum speed thru the whole journey may result in breaking down.
This is not to say you slack the whole way thru. For most students, I feel that they should be focusing on "keeping pace" thru sec 1 to sec 3 and "sprint" the final round aka sec 4.
The score itself mean nothing, it is where the student stand among peers that we should be concerned about. And too often parents expect their children to be leading the pack.
I venture to guess that if your son get 60% then you will ask him to get 70%. It is often the shifting goalpost that deter the student from working toward the target as once he hit the target, he will be made to work toward another target...
Hi.. i can say to you this.. you as parent can only do so much. You tried your best by engaging tutors, trying soft approach trying all sorts of different ideas. But this is only a small part. The big part lies in himself and his friends.
By saying himself, you must see what he is really thinking. What he really wants. I believe some of the forumers are right in saying kids nowadays like quick results. I myself last time was very into playing games too, Playstation and playstation 2. Was practically gaming the whole day. Now with WOW, DOTA and all sorts of games, your son can easily spent up to half a day gaming or thinking about it. If your son's heart is not there in studies no matter how much you forced him to study he will do it half heartedly. He will keep thinking about the games and keep wanting to play.
I have experience this. Everytime I play a game, I will keep thinking about it almost 24 hours. Thinking like how the story will unfold, how to cross this stage. The thought of the game is so severe until i dreamt about it. Until I dreamt about the solution to a game, which was really the solution. I was obsessed with playing games as well, and I was neglecting my studies too. But the difference is, I knew that I was suffering from this and I tried to kick the habit by shifting the games to my cousin house so I had no games to play.
Take a look at the NTU indonesian student that die recently. His results drop because he was playing too much game. He was a scholar and even he could not resist the temptation of playing game.
Therefore you as a mother must know the lure of these games. Every child wants to play. And this brings me to my next point. If your son's friends are all playing these games, then it will definitely affect your son because he wants to play them too and so to have a common topic with the friends. Friends actually play a huge role on the development of a child in his teenage years. I am not asking you to scold his friends or wat.
The most important factor lies in your son himself. What does he wants? Can he see the pros and cons of gaming and studying? Can he see what his own future is? Your son himself needs to wake up. There is so much a parent can do for a child. If your son does not want to wake up you cannot do anything more. It takes time, sometime people wake up early, sometimes people wake up in their 20s. By waking up I mean know what is important for him, being mature and planning for the future.
You as a mother should remind him of these but not over do it, as in too much nagging because children nowadays do the opposite of what their parents want. Therefore it is very tricky part.
Parenting is not easy, every parent wants the best for the child. But it depends on the child himself. sometimes, it will take a very significant event to wake the child up. Example seeing himself failing O level, seeing his mother fainting over his poor results. I suggest you to stop worrying about this, let him be for the moment, let him fail and let him be on his own. Hopefully he will see his own fault soon, especially if he starts failing all his subjects. All you can do is to be there for him when he needs you. Its his life not yours, even if he becomes a gang lord next time, it is what he chose, you may object but you are not him. Just be there for him at all times and with motherly love, i believe he will one day understand all that you did for him are actually for his own good.
Last time i was pretty bad as well, getting caught by police, however it was the police case that shook me up. I was only 12 then and I changed ever since. Then I was obssessed with games but I managed to see mu fault early and I chuck my game aside.
I believe one forumer said something about being results orientated. This is indeed true. Kids nowadays want good results fast. Let me ask you, if you keep getting 50++ for your exams, then you would not be motivated to study at all. However, if you keep getting 90++, you will be motivated to study to work harder. It is the same for everyone i guess.
Therefore my advice to you is, leave your son to "die" by himself, but stay by his side to give him support. If he fails all his exams, dont score him, stay by his side and let him understand your pain, let him ownself learn how to wake up.
Your son has a long way to go.
Hi. Actually, nowadays, parents are too anxious about the education level of children, in fact, there is a kiasu drive within it. Anything that is too much will blackfire...
You as a parent... haven't you been there? haven't you been the same as your child during your teens?
For my advice, have a talk with your child, let him know the importance of elementary education and then he can chose from his interest as in pursuing the course that he like, like information technology. But to get to the course of his interest, good grades are essential.
Extreme methods would be totally deprieve him of the internet and computer but I doubt this works. Maybe you can try rewarding method?
Originally posted by Etan0065:I hv sent him to Ernest Wong...superteens camp last year...end of Sec 1...didn't work...He told me...all these is waste of $...motivation is up to him....Ya...that's the point...how to get him up!
yup. like what "dkcx" noted.
Ask him things (positively--PLS NEVER CRITICISE- or NEVER in a condescending tone) .. ask him like, what are your aspirations?instead of, why you never study? want to die ah? cannot lose out leh!--- dont say things like these. be motivational- yes, though sometimes it can be frustrating.
Note: DO NOT i repeat.. DO NOT suggest or force him on a certain idea. Lets say he wants to be an artist, but you want him to be a Lawyer, let him be. Cause note, in the long run, eg,.. when he's like 20+ onwards, when lets say.. if he does continue to study on, it wont be you thats pushing him, he HIMSELF has to find that motivation. and the simplest way to phrase it .. is that it comes from his passion.
Take some time off to ask him about how's he going.. Anyone bully you? BGR? Eg.. etc. yup. it helps.
Remember: Empathy is the no.1 rule. It allows you to understand how's he feeling,thinking, and what he WILL do. Takes time & trust. :D all the best..
Im been in Nt class , i been much worse then your son
I did horrible in my sec3 term barely pass my exam lol , but sec 4 i got a distinction for my N level
Dont agure wiht your son , rather try to find your son passion and interest.
Show Martial arts , cooking or other stuff
After he found his passion he will have the motivation to study or do things , the you force him to study the more he will despites it .
He is only sec 2 dont worry , Many kids that age r like that .
Dont make studying stressful and hateful or else when ever he studys or look at books he will think all those negatives stuff about studying. Make it fun