Hi guys, this is my first time posting in this forum, so I hope that I'm posting in the right sub-forum.
Okay, first. I'm a secondary 4 student, and I'm not really good with tenses, nouns and stuff (especially when it comes to more complicated things such as past present, present perfect ect). In actual fact, I don't know what it means at all. and in composition, it's either I get no mistakes, or a whole bunch of them.
The way I write compositions is that, I write whatever sounds right to me. I have been struggling with English when I was in primary school and my English suddently took a turn for the better when I reached secondary school (and I don't know why!) and writing compositions becomes smoother for me.
Although so, I would like to know when do I use past tense, and "s" (eg, jumps, walks). I hope someone could direct me and correct my mistakes. Also, I realised that sometimes I made similar mistakes throughout the whole compo (eg, from some of my compos, you could see my ignorance on the usage of "s" and tenses).
So, I thought it would be good if I wrote a compo and you guys could help me CORRECT my grammer, tenses, ect, as well as help me identify what I'm always having trouble with. Oh, I know it's a little too much to request, but it will be good if someone explains the usage of tenses (notice how I emphasize tenses, since it's one big block for me!) too.
The following is my compo. The topic is "Power". Yes, "free" topic. From the 2009 "O" level paper, I think. A little out of topic, yes, I know.
Oh, also, don't "flame" me or whatever. If you think this is stupid, then I'm sorry, just don't reply and I won't post this kind of stuff again.
Thanks a lot. Constructive criticism pls.
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I looked down the 25 story building. It was a hazy and creepy night. The chilly atmosphere did not help either; it made my hairs stand on both ends. My hands were clammy to the touch and I reeked of alcohol. I soon began to sunk into a mental reverie. Questions were haunting me. Why was I here? What am I going to do? I began a look back on my life, flipping through my memories, looking for some comfort, some reason to account for my failure. I realised it was power. Something so strong, that only exists in our minds, that has caused my downfall.
I remembered distinctively that day. July the 14th. I went to work as usual, tugging my tie and greeting good-mornings as I walked. It was a normal Wednesday, but something was wrong. Maybe it's just me, but I felt especially weird. Soon after, I was called into my superior's office. I soon realised what was going on. I was going to be retrenched. I shouldn't have made so many mistakes and even shouting at him yesterday. I walked slowly, but catiously into his office, hoping to delay some time, looking for an explaination to the many mistakes I made during the last few weeks. But it was not helping; my mind was bursting with thoughts. After what seemed like hours, I finally reached my "destination", perharps my end point in life. I can't afford to lose this job. I simply can't. I have a wife, 3 children, and my parents to take care of. I cleared my mind and with a few good knocks, I entered the office.
Contray to my beliefs, my superior came forward, gave me a hug and congratulated me on my promotion. I was stunned with this good piece of news and jumped for joy. The following month was like heaven to me. Everyone greeted me whenever I walked past them and gave me the respect that I thought I deserved. As the general manager, I was ranked even higher than my "superior". I became arrogant, and of course, began to covet for money and higher standard of living. I began to stay out late at night, making merry with my friends, ignoring the well-being of my family members, and even at time defying my parents. I felt that the world was mine, and I had the power to command anyone to do anything. I could buy anything that I used to thrift for months to buy. One day, my friend suggested to me a way of obtaining more money, much to my delight, and that is to embezzle funds. Being a logical individual, I was aware of the ramifications of my actions. But it's different this time. I had the power to get access to virtually everything in the company. Surely no one would suspect me.
But I was wrong, certainly I was. I was handed to the police after my "friend" told the boss and even provided evidence of my fraud. Soon after, my family, too, found out that I have been gambling, smoking drugs, and worse of all, much to their dissapointment, approaching prositutes for sex. My face was all over the newspaper, and it was this very moment that I realised I was completely ruined. Power made me felt in control and lured to to commit such a crime. Power made me forgot about the existence of my loved ones. Power made me lose everything. Power. It's what ruined me.
I looked down (from)1 the 25 story building. It was a hazy and creepy night. The chilly atmosphere did not help either; it made my hairs stand on both (their)2 ends. My hands were clammy to the touch and I reeked of alcohol. I soon began to sunk (sink)3 into a mental reverie. Questions were haunting me. Why was I here? What am I going to do? I began a (to)4 look back on my life, flipping through my memories, looking for some comfort, some reason to account for my failure. I realised it was power. Something so strong, that only exists in our minds, that has caused my downfall.
1. without the word "from" it seems that you are looking down the building from a height.
2. Both ends? Which two ends? It doesnt make sense. "Their" which refers to the hairs.
3. A rather careless mistake. Anything that follows "to" is a present tense.
4. "I began to look" sounds better.
I must admit my English isnt very good. I got a B3 for O levels. But I tend to be able to pick out obvious mistakes because it doesnt sound smooth. Just like one of your mistakes, "to sunk". It doesnt sound smooth. I am not sure if you are able to proof-read in this way, and if you are not able to do so, I recommend you reading newspapers or books where you are exposed to so much perfect English that at one look, you are able to spot obvious mistakes.
Whereas for when you use tenses and stuff, I have to research a bit before I can give you an answer. I rely more on my "smooth reading skill". Or you can wait for other people who are more proficient in this area.
I try to correct the rest of your essay.
I remembered distinctively that day. July the 14th. I went to work as usual, tugging my tie and greeting good-mornings as I walked. It was a normal Wednesday, but something was wrong. Maybe it's (it is)1 just me, but I felt especially weird. Soon after, I was called into my superior's office. I soon realised what was going on. I was going to be retrenched. I shouldn't (should not)2 have made so many mistakes and even shouting at him yesterday. I walked slowly, but catiously (cautiously)3 into his office, hoping to delay some time, looking for an explaination(explanation)4 to the many mistakes I (have) made during the last few weeks. But it was not helping; my mind was bursting with thoughts. After what seemed like hours, I finally reached my "destination", perharps my end point in life. I can't6 afford to lose this job. I simply can't.6 I have a wife, 3 children, and my parents to take care of. I cleared my mind and with a few good knocks, I entered the office.
1. I am not sure about this, but during my time, I am not supposed to use it's but "it is"
2. Same idea, "should not" not "shouldn't" again, I think you should check with your teacher.
3. Spelling mistake. For me, spelling comes rather naturally if you know how to pronounce the word.
4. Same, try pronouncing the word. You will see the difference.
5. I cant really explain this, but it is smoother to say "I have made"
6. Cannot. Again, check with your teacher.
7. And I am not sure whether you are allowed to numbers in "1,2,3,4" form. But there are some exceptions like dates, time and so on. Check back with your teacher.