vett my essay
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Hi! I have just completed a essay as per request by my English teacher but before I submit, I will like to canvass fellow forum-ers opinions. Is there any advise you will like to share? I am taking O level this year so I am quite concerned.
Titled: Heroes
Could you believe it? I used to be a gangster. Gangster of Singapore’s most infamous mob. To aggravate it, at 16 I was the youngest of the bunch of hooligans. Back before I joined the bunch, I was very much inclined academically. My grades would had easily ignited jealousy among anyone. However, that was not long lasting. Someone close to me departed, that gravely stricken and devastated me. It was during this hard time when I was introduced to the apparent endearing appeal of the Lao’s gang. Eventually, I returned to my rightful path but at the price of my brothers’ lives.
After my loved ones passed on, my brothers were the only group whom I can confine my problems with. Then, I enjoyed my company with them. We did lots of unlawful activities, notably fighting. We did not need to have any good reasons to start a fight, Laos frequently engage in it, mostly just for the thrill. The gang was such professional that we always maintain a reserve of deadly destructive weapons. Baseball bats, Parangs of different sizes just to name a few. For most of the fight we had, Laos always emerged victory. That was probably the reason how the Laos’ gang had made such a reputation in this city state. However, there was a time where the Laos lost. The violent between the Laos and second to Laos’ gang, the Lims.
I am not sure what caused the violent but if I not mistaken, it was because my chief unintentionally entered the Lims’ territory without any permission. Lims believing the Laos did not have any respect for them initiated the violent brawl.
That night was particularly eerie and quiet. I could perhaps hear a pin drop. Ominous moonlight shores the streets we were in. I had a very bad feeling about the fight – something bad was going to happen, something really awful. The streets were clear and we were the only group present. 89 of us, each possessing at least one possibly lethal weapon. At a hour past midnight, the Lims could be heard marching towards the streets we are in. In front of us, there were at least a hundred of them viciously and confident looking men. We were ambushed. We had agreed on maximum of 90 members in this battle, we were tricked!
“Tonight is going to be tragic!”, I mumbled that night.
For that five terrifying minutes when the Lims marched towards us, I was shaken with fear and had a lot of uncertainty if we would even be able to walk out of this street alive. I gradually took few steps back and hid in a small corner where I watched.
The inevitably started, I had a first taste of what being a gangster really had to offer. Parangs can be seen flying in the air, ever ready to inflict agonizing pain into its targets. Screams were reverberating along the two narrow long stretch of Lorong 98, 99 Geylang. That violent brawl allowed me to truly witness the brutality of the Lims. With a slash of the sharp Parang, the skull splits, fragments of it could be seen on the ground; bright pink brain matter was clearly visible. The Lims even had firepower. Where they squeezed and held down the trigger sprayed a horde of bullets all over the place killing my brothers. The few seconds of fire felt like an eternity as I watched painfully my brothers flinch, toss and turn and their bodies torn to pieces. All casualties had blood oozing out, most lying motionlessly on the cold hard concrete.
I could feel my heartbeat in my temple and a cold sweat broke out on the surface of my brow. I knew, chances were, the Lims would examine every corner of all streets and when I am found, I would be sentenced to death. I was terrified. The Lims played dirty. There was no way the Laos could successful win this battle as we were outnumbered. They successfully inflicted huge damages to my brothers.
Unexpectedly two of my brothers found me in the corner. They were badly injured. Alvin barfed blood whereas Ken was catching his breath. They seemed surprised to see me alive. Noting that it was only seconds before the Lim’s gang would find us, Ken said breathlessly, “Max! Out of all the gang members, you are the highest educated, you have the brightest future among all of us. We will distract the Lims while you run for the exit and seek help. Do not join the gang again!” Alvin silently agreed.
Before I could speak, Ken screamed, “Run now!”
I did not have the luxury of time to think, I escaped the spot and ran for the main road as I told. At the corner of Lorong 98, I turned back and saw Alvin being ripped into halve with a Parang, Ken tried to stop but was punched hard and kneeled for mercy. Blood was seen pooling on the concrete he was kneeling. His eyes, nose was swelling.
I could not tolerate the scene I was witnessing. With teary eyes, I dashed to the nearest police post, imagining what will happen to Ken. Would the punch collapse his trachea and he suffocates to death, or, would he be crashed in his windpipe and his spine separated from the brain stem? I thought of how the Lims would clear the traces of evidence. Would they pulverize all their teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure their faces, forcing a DNA test to establish their identity impossible? The thoughts were scary.
To lighten my guilt, I kept saying to myself that I had to leave my brothers, I had to be selfish and it had to be done in order to save at least a life.
When I knew I was at a safe distance, I slowed and walked heavily hearted to the police post.
I swung open the glass door and briefly told the officers the trauma I had just experienced. They brought me to their cafeteria for a coffee to calm me down. There, I cried for a good fifteen minutes.
I ended my presence in the police post with the police taking my statement and they sent me home.
Back home I remind myself of what Ken last words “Max! Out of all the gang members, you are the highest educated, you have the brightest future among all of us. We will distract the Lims while you run for the exit and seek help. Do not join the gang again!”. His last sentence kept echoing my mind.
That night, I reflected the spiteful actions I did in the past and despite being devastated, I did a serious concrete planning of my future. I vowed to never to join any gang again.
It was only after Ken and Alvin sacrificed for me that I reflected upon myself. If I had continued be part of the gang, I would only be a pest in this society, creating trouble for the country. Their death for me made me discovered my rightful path in my life.
Because of their heroines act, I became a part time volunteer at a prison school where most inmates was sent there because of gangster related activity involvement. While I did fulfill Ken’s and Alvin’s last wish, the guilt was never taken from me for my selfishness to live ended their live. It is something I have to deal with every day.
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This post should be in my forum. Tomorrow a nice lady will help you move this post.
Dear BillaMax,
I'm Chin Seng from Homework Forum.
Great to see you here. Tell you something interesting, exactly one year ago, I marked an essay with the exact topic.Storyline is good. Slightly deviated from the topic "Hero".
I can see that you used some vocab in your essay. Grammar is not a huge issue, but still have room for improvement.
Sentence structure is good, you can further improve this by reading newspaper. Note that some times it is very easy for use to write down what we want to say (spoken language), and you must remember that there is a difference between spoken and written language.
I can see one or two complex sentences. A good effort to add in variation.
Kinda didn't see any spelling mistake. Look like Word97 correcting system.If this is O level question.... then this essay is too long.
Remark: The fighting part was well written because I see the effort in making the story come alife. However, when I come to the Police station and the ending part, the story seems to be a little hurried.
Keep each paragraph short and sweet. Remember the rule, "starting of the paragraph (first sentence) is a short insight of the remaining paragraph".
23~26/ 30
use some words to impress the examiners. Example I learn a new word yesterday " force majeure". I googled it and understood the meaning, now I'm selling this word.
I notice that you didn't use " ; ". This is another punctuation that will show the examiner that you're good with your punctuation.
Best Regards,
Chin Seng
Homework Forum Moderator -
Originally posted by Darkness_hacker99:
This post should be in my forum. Tomorrow a nice lady will help you move this post.
Dear BillaMax,
I'm Chin Seng from Homework Forum.
Great to see you here. Tell you something
interesting, exactly one year ago, I marked an essay with the exact
topic.Storyline is good. Slightly deviated from the topic "Hero".
I can see that you used some vocab in your essay. Grammar is not a huge issue, but still have room for improvement.
Sentence structure is good, you can further improve this by reading newspaper. Note that some times it is very easy for use to write down what we want to say (spoken language), and you must remember that there is a difference between spoken and written language.
I can see one or two complex sentences. A good effort to add in variation.
Kinda didn't see any spelling mistake. Look
like Word97 correcting system.If this is O level question.... then this essay is too long.
Remark: The fighting part was well written because I see the effort in making the story come alife. However, when I come to the Police station and the ending part, the story seems to be a little hurried.
Keep each paragraph short and sweet. Remember the rule, "starting of the paragraph (first sentence) is a short insight of the remaining paragraph".
23~26/ 30
use some words to impress the examiners. Example I learn a new word yesterday " force majeure". I googled it and understood the meaning, now I'm selling this word.
I notice that you didn't use " ; ". This is another punctuation that will show the examiner that you're good with your punctuation.
Best Regards,
Chin Seng
Homework Forum ModeratorHi! Thanks! Yup there is much to improve on for my English. My English is quite terrible at a C grade.
I googled for the meaning of force majeure, it is very interesting.
Re-read the essay and corrected some phrasing and grammatical errors. The corrected version of this essay is below:
Could you believe it? I used to be a gangster. Gangster of Singapore’s most infamous mob. To aggravate it, at 16 I was the youngest of the bunch of hooligans. Back before I joined the bunch, I was very much inclined academically. My grades would had easily ignited jealousy among anyone. However, that was not long lasting. Someone close to me departed, that gravely stricken and devastated me. It was during this hard time when I was introduced to the apparent endearing appeal of the Laos’ gang. Eventually, I returned to my rightful path but at the price of my brothers’ lives.
After my loved ones passed on, my brothers were the only group whom I can confine my problems with. Then, I enjoyed my company with them. We did lots of unlawful activities, notably fighting. We did not need to have any good reasons to start a fight, Laos frequently engage in it, mostly just for the thrills. The gang was such professional that we always maintain a reserve of deadly destructive weapons. Baseball bats, Parang knifes of different lengths just to name a few. For most of the fight we had, Laos always emerged victory. That was probably the reason how the Laos’ gang had made such a reputation in the city state. However, there was a time where the Laos lost. The violent between the Laos and second to Laos’ gang, the Lims.
I am not sure what caused the violent but if I not mistaken, it was because my chief unintentionally entered the Lims’ territory without any permission. Lims believing the Laos did not have any respect for them initiated the violent brawl.
That night was particularly eerie and quiet. I could perhaps hear a pin drop. Ominous moonlight shores the streets we were in. I had a very bad feeling about the fight – something bad was going to happen, something really awful. The streets were clear and we were the only group present. 89 of us, each possessing at least one possibly lethal weapon. At a hour past midnight, the Lims could be heard marching towards the streets we are in. In front of us, there were at least two hundreds of them viciously and confident looking men. We were ambushed. We had agreed on maximum of 90 members in this battle, we were tricked!
“Tonight is going to be tragic!”, I mumbled.
For that five terrifying minutes when the Lims marched towards us, I was shaken with fear and had a lot of uncertainty if we would even be able to walk out of this street alive. I gradually took a few steps back and hid in a small corner where I watched.
The inevitably started, I had a first taste of what being a gangster really had to offer. Parangs can be seen flying in the air, ever ready to inflict agonizing pain into its targets. Screams were reverberating along the two narrow long stretch of Lorong 98, 99 Geylang. That violent brawl allowed me to truly witness the brutality of the Lims. With a slash of the sharp Parang, the skull splits, fragments of it could be seen on the ground; bright pink brain matter was clearly visible. The Lims even had firepower. Where they squeezed and held down the trigger sprayed a horde of bullets all over the place killing my brothers. The few seconds of fire felt like an eternity as I watched painfully my brothers flinch, toss and turn and their bodies torn to pieces. All casualties had blood oozing out, most lying motionlessly on the cold hard concrete.
I could feel my heartbeat in my temple and a cold sweat broke out on the surface of my brow. I knew, chances were, the Lims would examine every corner of all streets and when I am found, I would be sentenced to death. I was terrified. The Lims played dirty. There was no way the Laos could successful win this battle as we were outnumbered. They successfully inflicted huge damages to my brothers.
Unexpectedly two of my brothers found me in the corner. They were badly injured. Alvin barfed blood whereas Ken was catching his breath. They seemed surprised to see me alive. Noting that it was only seconds before the Lims’ gang would find us, Ken said breathlessly, “Max! Out of all the gang members, you are the highest educated, you have the brightest future among all of us. We will distract the Lims while you run for the exit and seek help. Do not join the gang again!” Alvin too weak to say anything nodded his head silently agreed.
Before I could speak, Ken screamed, “Run now!”
I did not have the luxury of time to think, I escaped the spot and ran for the main road as I told. At the corner of Lorong 98, I turned back and saw Alvin being ripped into halve with a Parang, Ken tried to stop but was punched hard and kneeled for mercy. Blood was seen pooling on the concrete he was kneeling. His eyes, nose was swelling.
I could not tolerate the scene I was witnessing. With teary eyes, I dashed to the nearest police post, imagining what will happen to Ken. Would the punch collapse his trachea and he suffocates to death, or, would he be crashed in his windpipe and his spine separated from the brain stem? I thought of how the Lims would clear the traces of evidence. Would they pulverize all their teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure their faces, forcing a DNA test to establish their identity impossible? The thoughts were too scary.
To lighten my guilt, I kept saying to myself that I had to leave my brothers, I had to be selfish and it had to be done in order to save at least a life.
When I knew I was at a safe distance, I slowed and walked heavily hearted to the police post.
I swung open the glass door and briefly described to the officers the trauma I had just experienced. They brought me to their cafeteria for a coffee in an effort to calm me down. There, I cried for a good fifteen minutes.
I ended my presence in the police post with the police taking my statement after which they sent me home.
Back home I reminded myself of what Ken’s last words “Max! Out of all the gang members, you are the highest educated, you have the brightest future among all of us. We will distract the Lims while you run for the exit and seek help. Do not join the gang again!”. His last sentence kept echoing in my head.
That night, I reflected the spiteful actions I did in the past and despite being devastated, I did a serious concrete planning of my future. I vowed to never to join any gang again.
It was only after Ken and Alvin sacrificed for me that I reflected upon myself. If I had continued to be part of the gang, I would only be a pest in this society, creating trouble for the country. Their death made me discovered my rightful path in my life.
Because of their heroines act, I became a part time volunteer to impart wisdom at a prison school where most inmates was sent there for committing gangster related activity involvement. While I did fulfill Ken’s and Alvin’s last wish, the guilt was never taken from me for my selfishness to live ended their lives. It is something I have to deal with every day.
These are only slight changes to the essay, hence the effect may not be significant.
Thanks for your kind advice. :D
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nothing escape sharp eyes
Alvin too weak to say anything nodded his head silently agreed.
mumbled.
I became a part time volunteer to impart wisdom
for committing gangster related
and other smaller changes.
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this is sort of off topic but in exams usually it's much easier to score writing expository essays...
naratives generally have a tendency to come off as cliched...
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parang is malay, in english its machete.
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Wall of text... but here's my 2 cent worth.
heroine is feminine for hero.
Because of their heroic act...
...at a prison school where most inmates was sent there for committing gangster related activity involvement.
Consider revising..
...at a prison school where most inmates were sent there for gangster related activity.
...
Hope this isn't cheating on your home work.
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(What I think)
There's some run on sentences and some sentences that are rather awkward. I spotted about sixty or more errors.
The following is how I would write it. You can compare with the one you wrote. Overall, I'd say that you have a very good storyline and some of your descriptions are really fantastic. Just be careful of the tenses, general grammar and avoid run on sentences. I hope you find my suggestions helpful.
***
Could you believe it? I used to be a gangster. Yet I was no mere average gangster, but a member of Singapore’s most infamous mob. To make matters worse, my age of sixteen makes me the youngest amongst these hooligans. Back before I joined them, I was very much inclined academically. My grades would have easily sparked jealousy in anyone. However, that did not last long. Someone close to me departed. This gravely devastated me. It was during this hard time that I was introduced to the apparent endearing appeal of the Laos’ gang. Eventually, I returned to my rightful path but at the price of my brothers’ lives.
After my loved ones passed on, my brothers were the only group whom I can confide my problems with. Then, I enjoyed their company. We did lots of unlawful activities, notably fighting. We did not need to have any good reasons to start a fight. Laos frequently engaged in it, mostly just for the thrills. The gang was so professional that we always maintained a reserve of deadly destructive weapons. Baseball bats, Parang knifes of different lengths just to name a few. For most of the fight we had, Laos always emerged victorious. That was probably the reason why the Laos’ gang had made such a reputation in the city state. However, there was a time where the Laos lost. This was during the violent fight between the Laos and their closest rivlas, the Lims.
I am not sure what caused the violence but if I'm not mistaken, it was because my chief unintentionally entered the Lims’ territory without any permission. The Lims believing that the Laos did not have any respect for them initiated the violent brawl.
That night was particularly eerie and quiet. I could perhaps hear a pin drop. Ominous moonlight shored the streets we were in. I had a very bad feeling about the fight – something bad was going to happen, something really awful. The streets were clear and we were the only group present. 89 of us, each possessing at least one possibly lethal weapon. At an hour past midnight, the Lims could be heard marching towards the streets we are in. In front of us, there were at least two hundred of them. They were vicious and confident looking men. We were ambushed. We had agreed on a maximum of 90 members in this battle, but we were tricked!
“Tonight is going to be tragic!”, I mumbled.
For that five terrifying minutes when the Lims marched towards us, I was shaken with fear and was uncertain if we would even be able to walk out of this street alive. I gradually took a few steps back and hid in a small corner where I watched.
The fight inevitably started, I had a first taste of what being a gangster really had to offer. Parangs could be seen flying in the air, ever ready to inflict agonizing pain onto their targets. Screams were reverberating along the two narrow long stretch of Lorong 98, 99 Geylang. That violent brawl allowed me to truly witness the brutality of the Lims. With a slash of the sharp Parang, the skull splits, fragments of it could be seen on the ground; bright pink brain matter was clearly visible. The Lims even had firepower. When they squeezed and held down the trigger, they sprayed a horde of bullets all over the place killing my brothers. The few seconds of fire felt like an eternity as I watched painfully my brothers flinch, toss and turn and their bodies torn to pieces. All casualties had blood oozing out. Most were lying motionless on the cold hard concrete.
I could feel my heartbeat in my temple and a cold sweat broke out on the surface of my brow. I knew, chances were, the Lims would examine every corner of all streets and when I am found, I would be sentenced to death. I was terrified. The Lims played dirty. There was no way the Laos could successfully win this battle as we were outnumbered. They successfully inflicted huge damages to my brothers.
Unexpectedly two of my brothers found me in the corner. They were badly injured. Alvin barfed blood whereas Ken was catching his breath. They seemed surprised to see me alive. Noting that it was only seconds before the Lims’ gang would find us, Ken said breathlessly, “Max! Out of all the gang members, you are the highest educated, you have the brightest future among all of us. We will distract the Lims while you run for the exit and seek help. Do not join the gang again!” Alvin too weak to say anything nodded his head silently agreed.
Before I could speak, Ken screamed, “Run now!”
I did not have the luxury of time to think, I escaped the spot and ran for the main road as I told. At the corner of Lorong 98, I turned back and saw Alvin being ripped into halve with a Parang, Ken tried to stop but was punched hard and kneeled for mercy. Blood was seen pooling on the concrete where he was kneeling. His eyes, nose was swelling.
I could not tolerate the scene I was witnessing. With teary eyes, I dashed to the nearest police post, imagining what will happen to Ken. Would the punch collapse his trachea and cause him to suffocate to death, or, would he be crushed in his windpipe and his spine separated from the brain stem? I thought of how the Lims would clear the traces of evidence. Would they pulverize all their teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure their faces, forcing a DNA test to establish their identity impossible? The thoughts were too scary.
To lighten my guilt, I kept saying to myself that I had to leave my brothers, I had to be selfish and it had to be done in order to save at least a life.
When I knew I was at a safe distance, I slowed and walked heavily hearted to the police post.
I swung open the glass door and briefly described to the officers the trauma I had just experienced. They brought me to their cafeteria for a coffee in an effort to calm me down. There, I cried for a good fifteen minutes.
I ended my presence in the police post with the police taking my statement after which they sent me home.
Back home I reminded myself of what Ken’s last words “Max! Out of all the gang members, you are the highest educated, you have the brightest future among all of us. We will distract the Lims while you run for the exit and seek help. Do not join the gang again!”. His last sentence kept echoing in my head.
That night, I reflected on the spiteful actions I did in the past and despite being devastated, I did a serious concrete planning of my future. I vowed to never join any gang again.
It was only after Ken and Alvin sacrificed their lives for me that I reflected upon myself. If I had continued to be part of the gang, I would only be a pest in this society, creating trouble for the country. Their death made me discovered my rightful path in my life.
Because of their heroic act, I became a part time volunteer to impart wisdom at a prison school where most inmates were sent for committing gangster related activities. While I did fulfill Ken’s and Alvin’s last wish, the guilt was never taken from me for my selfishness to live ended their lives. It is something I have to deal with everyday.
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Is TS a O level student?
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Originally posted by CaiHongRainx:
Is TS a O level student?
Yes, the answer can be found in the first paragraph of the introductory text. -
Ops sorry! I'm absent-minded at times. Btw TS, good story (: