O LEVEL ENGLISH ESSAY
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Hello people, I'm a new user, taking my O Level English paper in 8 days' time. I hope that you people can give my useful suggestions as to how to improve on my compo. It will be good if you can provide me with:
1. Replacement of vocabulary words to more impressive ones
2. Corrections for my tenses
3. Corrections for my sentence structure (if any)
4. Ideas on how to make my plot more interesting
5. A score, out of 30.
Thanks!
Title: Write about an occasion when an attempt to help led to unexpected consequences for the helper.
I never knew that helping someone could cause so much trouble. Since young, my parents had been stressing the need to help others so much that I sometimes wonder if I was born to help. Of course, they had been setting good examples for me as well. Whenever there was a charity that requires large amount of money to help the disabled, or simply our neighbour who needed someone to look after his pet while he was overseas, my parents would be the first on the list offering to help. Their influences on me impacted me so much that I was sometimes called 'the nosy one' in school, for I had offered my help to every single event. This time round, as usual, I offered my help. Never did I knew that that would mean a big trouble for myself.
It was the first day of my summer vacation. I was feeling rather excited as I was on my way to meet my friends, planning to chill out at the beach. While walking to the nearest bus stop from my home, I noticed a boy, probably five years my junior, looking lost on the streets.
"Could he have lost his way?" I thought to myself, wondering if I could help.
After glancing at my watch, I realised I was quite early. I should be able to arrive on time even if I helped the little boy. With that, I walked towards him, approaching him with the confidence that I could help.
"Excuse me, I noticed that you look kind of lost. Can I be of help in any ways?" I approached him with a smile on my face.
"Oh, I... I need to deliver this to my friend. However, I have something else to see to," there was a tinge of uncertainty and fear in his speech. Nevertheless, I offered to help him to deliver the large parcel he was holding since the trip would not take long.
I took a bus to the place stated in the address he had given me. Within a few stops, I arrived. I went around asking for directions to the "Dark Alley House". After a few attempts, I reached my destination.
It was a large warehouse. As I walked further into the gloomy place, three men, smelling of cigarettes and beer, approached me.
"Are you here to deliver something?" one of them asked, in an intimidating tone.
"Yes, if I am not wrong, your friend was supposed to deliver this parcel package to you. However, he had something else to attend to," I answered him, stating the only truth that was known to me.
"My friend, huh?" he replied, leading to an outburst of laughter among the trio. "Alright, come on in. Follow us closely."
They led me deeper into the warehouse. I realised that the 'warehouse' was actually a gambling den. The whole area was crowded with people. Some were smoking, while the others were taking drugs. that observation led to to wonder what could the parcel package contain. As soon as I figured it out, it was too late to flee.
The police alarm sounded off. I could see everyone panicking, trying to escape through the back door. however, those were futile attempts. The police had cordoned that whole area. Policemen stationed at both the front door and the back door. No one could escape. Soon, everyone, including myself, was caught and taken to the police station for further interrogation.
I told the police everything that I knew. At that point of time, the only wish I wanted to come true was that the police could believe me. They seemed to be convinced by my plight. Similar to what I had expected, that parcel package was indeed drugs. I knew I was in hot soup. The boy whom I helped was nowhere to be found. There was no witness to help me. This was a hopeless situation. I was later arrested and put into the boys' home for 6 months.
Now, I was finally released from the boys' home. I could sense that my future is bleak. Surely not many would accept an ex-convict into the society. I regretted my actions. I had only myself to blame for landing myself in such a situation. I always thought that being helpful was good. However, this time round, it was just nosiness on my part. -
simple plot and quite predictable, more nuances will be better to make your episode more poignant. I will not be your vocabulary and grammar tutor but do try to add in sophisication in your sentences like
They led me deeper into the warehouse. I realised that the 'warehouse' was actually a gambling den. The whole area was crowded with people. Some were smoking, while the others were taking drugs. that observation led to to wonder what could the parcel package contain. As soon as I figured it out, it was too late to flee.
Can be
They led me deeper into the desolate warehouse. I am stunned by the interor of it. The whole area was swamped with hordes of people. The people in it committed all the vices that I could think of: smoking, abusing of drugs and much more. This led me to ponder about what could be the contents of the parcel I am holding. I chance upon the idea that it may contain drugs, however, it was all too late. Time had ran out on me ...
Overall, maybe 20/30
(I hate narratives tho')
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Simple yet fantastic plot! I shall start not helping people :D !
Although Im in no position to grade ur compo as Im taking O levels this year too, I think ur compo can fetch you 20/30 also .